Parental Divide-ry
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 6, 2014
The math of human instinct tells us that self + unfair victimization = a right to punish the person to blame, even if that person is a blood relative with the best of intentions. In a fair world, the justice equation would check out, but in this one, the person who appears responsible often had no choice, and just happened to be a conduit for life’s random misery. So whether you’re a blamed parent who is helpless to stop your kid from hitting and running, or a blamed child who can’t escape unfair punishment, judge yourself carefully and fairly. Then, instead of fighting for justice, stand up for what you believe while waiting for blame to fizzle and an equation that adds up.
–Dr. Lastname
My fifteen-year-old daughter, whom I used to be close to, was always a sensitive, over-reactive kid. I was still shocked and hurt, however, when she suddenly spoke up, in the midst of her first visit with me and my new husband, to say to him, “Who the fuck are you?” She stopped talking to me for a year after I left her father, but eventually relented and then we started spending regular time together (though he has full custody, and I get weekend visitation). Now that she’s insulted my husband, however, I don’t know what to say— to not talk like that to her stepfather? To go to her room until she’s ready to behave? My goal is to figure out what to say that will address the nastiness and inappropriateness of her speech and let her know she can’t treat my husband with disrespect.
As hard as reality TV tries to find us the Cesar Milan of adolescent girls, as of yet, there is no such person as the “Teen Whisperer.” The closet thing we have is that woman on “Dance Moms,” and she’s really just an all-purpose bellower.
The reason no such teen expert exists, on TV or off, is because there is nothing you can say, in any volume, that will persuade your daughter to behave better. You have little influence and she wants you to be angry and hurt, so, as with any breach of the law anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of teen self-entitlement.
Yes, expressing yourself with anger and vehemence will sometimes get through to a kid who’s being rude and insolent and needs a lesson, but this is not one of those times. Remember, her rudeness is intended to hurt both you and her stepfather, so negative emotion will be less of a punishment and more of a reward.
Instead, think about the goals that would be best for her. Punishing you and her stepfather may satisfy her rage at the injustice of your abandoning her and the family (in her view), but it isolates her from the mother who can be a major source of strength in her life. It also makes it impossible for members of the larger family to invite you and her to the same event for holidays and transitions.
Use your own values to weigh the moral judgment she’s made. While she believes you wronged her and her father by leaving them and causing her great pain, life sometimes forces people to make choices for good reasons that cause innocent people to suffer, and this was one. I assume you didn’t do it to make yourself happy at her expense, but rather because you couldn’t control problems in your marriage and believed they would ultimately cause bigger problems if you didn’t leave. If that’s true, you don’t owe her an apology and you have reason to think she needs to learn how to accept life’s pain without turning into a jerk.
Write down what you think she needs to know, while editing out anger and moralism. You think her punishing you and your husband is undeserved and destructive, and even if you don’t expect her to agree or respond, at least not in the immediate future, let her know that you continue to love her, care for her welfare, and hope that she will come to respect your views. Until then, she needs to control her anger when she’s with you and your husband or leave the room. Refuse to engage in an exchange of angry feelings, but let her know your door is open, assuming she accepts house rules.
If the recent past is an indication, you can’t expect her to stop being sensitive to change, but anger passes, and your relationship has survived past storms. With luck, it will survive and flourish again and her stepfather may even wind up becoming a friend. Until then, if you can’t settle for the Teen Whisperer, be the common sense-speaker instead.
STATEMENT:
“I felt totally helpless to hear my daughter insult my new husband, but I know I can’t stop her from being nasty and stubborn. I will, however, tell her why I think her actions are undeserved and harmful and why I will not allow them to continue. I will set firm limits without getting drawn into a fight, and wait for her to calm down and resume our relationship on terms we can all accept.”
My mother has never been easy to live with, but I love her dearly and don’t want to upset her. Nevertheless, I’m very fond of her second husband, who has the patience of a saint and was a devoted father to me even though he didn’t come along until I was seven and left last year, just after I turned 15. He has no visitation rights, but I’d like to continue to see him and I know he wants to see me. What will happen if I do, however, is that my mother will accuse me of trying to hurt her and of being ungrateful for all the things she’s done for me. She’ll list all the bad things she thinks he did to her, until she wears me down. My goal is to figure out if I can continue to see my ex-stepfather without causing my mother great pain and bringing down endless crap on my own head.
Since you know your mother’s pain springs from her problematic sensitivity, not from anything you did wrong, it’s not fair to hold yourself accountable for it. Like the daughter in the case above, she may not be able to stop herself from blaming others when she’s hurt and angry, but that’s not your fault. You’re responsible for acting decently, and that’s all.
Unfortunately, even though your mother’s hurt and anger aren’t your fault, they become your problem when you have to live with her and she unloads on you with all the authority and power of a parent. As you say, as much as you’d like to see your ex-stepfather, she’s boss of the house, and you’ve got to do what’s necessary to protect yourself from punishment and turmoil, whether or not it’s deserved.
So, while you shouldn’t judge yourself for being guilty of disloyalty, regardless of what your mother says, you must, for your own sake, do what’s necessary to protect yourself. That means there’s nothing wrong with your seeing him, as long as you can avoid stirring up a shit storm.
You’re right not to waste time and energy fighting her for control of your life; it’s hard to avoid such fights when her rules are unfair and she’s cutting you off from someone you love and have come to rely on. Besides, fighting with your mother is more likely to undermine your independence than otherwise. If there’s someone else you can live with, you have more options; otherwise, work with what you have.
Until you’re on your own in a few years, communicate with your stepfather using means your mother doesn’t monitor (avoid the phone, invent a specific email address, etc.). He probably understands your predicament, so he’ll be happy for you to keep in touch in any way you can. If possible, find a close relative or family friend who sympathizes with your situation enough to provide a meeting site; that way, you can tell your mother you’re visiting that person, without mentioning your stepfather will also be there.
Every passing day brings you closer to your freedom and independence, when you’ll have more opportunity to visit your stepfather without your mother’s knowing. Until then, you have to walk a thin line to avoid irritating her thin skin.
STATEMENT:
“I hate to be controlled by my mother’s anger, particularly when it’s undeserved and rips me away from someone I love and trust, but I know how to deal with life as it is. I’ll try to keep my relationship with my stepfather alive while keeping it away from my mother, and take credit for my ability to make arrangements and endure crap in a good cause.”
