Marital Meld

Posted by fxckfeelings on February 17, 2014

Marriage requires a lot of sacrifice, and while surrendering some independence and half your Netflix subscription fees are worth it, the ability to keep strong emotional reactions from screwing up rational judgment is not. Sometimes, marital conflict will cause you to blame yourself unfairly, just to restore peace, and other times, you’ll blame your partner unfairly, to head off a situation that scares you. In any case, don’t forget that you can make an independent judgment without blaming or demeaning your spouse. Give yourself time, use normal business practices, and you’ll always find a positive way to discuss your differences and stand by both your vows and your own vision of what’s right and wrong.
–Dr. Lastname

My husband stormed out of our house last night because I just can’t seem to meet his needs or understand where he’s coming from. He’s needed more help lately because he hurt himself falling on the ice, and it’s hard for him to do the chores. I could make excuses for myself and tell you I have a full-time job and I try to be sympathetic, but obviously I’m not succeeding. My goal, if I could only achieve it, is to be better at understanding my husband and making him feel valued so he comes home.

Certain marital complaints are impossible to judge, the most common being that you sounded nasty or uncaring. Until a smartphone app is invented that will scientifically judge the negativity and/or offensiveness of a spouse’s tone of voice, this is a complaint about which no one can be objective.

Then again, in the absence of smartphones, there are always plain old smarts, which means creating standards of your own to compare his complaints with.

Create your standards by writing up a job description of the nursing assistance you would expect from your husband if you were injured, or that you would offer an injured friend. Don’t be afraid to include specific tasks and hours and take into account your need to make a living, take care of other essentials. Accept the input of friends. Then compare your behavior to your standards.

If, after doing so, you think you owe your husband an apology, tell him and do better in the future. Otherwise, be aware that you and your husband have different standards and that it’s likely he’s too irritable, perhaps because of his injury, to be objective or to control his behavior. If getting irritable and walking out are not unusual for him, then the good news is that the problem isn’t your fault and the bad news is, as always, that it’s also beyond your control.

In any case, don’t respond to emotional blackmail; shift your tone from pained spouse to customer service pro. Let him know you heard his complaint, care about his feelings and recovery, and believe in being helpful, so you will carefully consider whether you did less than you should. Meanwhile, storming out of the house shouldn’t be necessary and isn’t good for his injury or your marriage.

You hope he’ll think it over carefully and add everything up, rather than let anger make his decision for him. Whatever you decide about your own conduct, don’t assume that self-punishment and winning his approval are good goals.

Offer your opinion with the expectation that, whether he agrees or not, if he can’t manage his frustrations without taking them out on you, he’s not good for you. Be smart enough to tell him that it’s time to find a new carrier.

STATEMENT:
“My husband’s walk-out has left me feeling punished and abandoned, but I won’t let his anger control how I judge my actions or think about myself. I will not be bullied into accepting undeserved blame or punishment, and I will expect him to manage his anger with more restraint if we are going to continue.”

My wife and I are certainly capable of working well together—we own and run our own business—but we sometimes have terrible fights when she gets nasty, demeaning, and just doesn’t listen. It often starts with her having some ambitious idea about improving the business that might very well cost a lot of money we don’t have, so I ask her where she’s going to get the money, and she tells me I’m treating her like she’s an idiot and that I have no respect. Things go downhill from there and it’s often two or more days before we make up. My goal is to get her to see that her plans could be expensive and that we need to avoid extra projects right now, without triggering her abuse.

If anyone but your wife invited you to consider a joint investment, including one you couldn’t afford, you’d respond in a careful, business-like fashion, asking her to spell out the risks and potential benefits while taking time to do your own due-diligence evaluation. You would then share your opinion, showing respect for her proposal while giving yourself a chance to look at it objectively, regardless of whether it made you feel anxious, eager, or both.

The way you’ve responded to your wife, on the other hand, is the way most people do with family; personally, instantly, and emotionally, as if the worst was going to happen, and your only weapon was the battering ram of all your fears and objections, regardless of the conflict you were stirring up and the pain it would cause you both. Maybe that’s a reflex by which tribal animals let one another know that they can’t be pushed around. In any case, there are better ways to approach the problem than creating conflict around the marital watering hole.

Ask yourself whether there’s really any risk of your wife’s ideas endangering your savings or controlling your business. Even better, ask whether there’s a way she can do things her way and try out her methods without forcing you to be part of it; yes, you’re bound in business and in marriage, but you’re also capable of independent action. Then take the same time and use the same words and procedures for evaluating her proposal as you would for anyone else’s.

If, after all that, you don’t like her ideas, let her know you appreciate her hard work and creative thinking, but unfortunately, you cannot share her enthusiasm, and describe your methods for analyzing her proposal. If possible, urge her to try out her ideas on a smaller scale, using her own time and capital. And if, in the end, she accuses you of treating her badly or lacking courage, tell her you don’t see it that way and end the conversation.

Your goal isn’t to prevent your wife from messing up your business or to agree on a plan you’re comfortable with. It’s to use good methods to arrive at your own opinion, express your views respectfully, and refuse to make your disagreement personal, regardless of whether you or she has personal feelings about it. In family business, good business methods are what help family stay together.

STATEMENT:
“I get very nervous when my wife gets eager to change our business, but I will give her ideas careful thought, express my opinion carefully, and be prepared to keep our possible differences from becoming persona, by refusing to let negative feelings become part of our discussion.”