Double Share

Posted by fxckfeelings on January 30, 2014

Many of us suffer stress and torment by accepting nutty ideas, either because we’re literally hearing voices, or just because we’re reading women’s magazines or buying into our own baseless guilt. It’s easy to feel you’re doing what you have to do when you’re really just holding yourself responsible for problems you don’t control and making efforts that can do no good. Unless mental illness makes it impossible, most of us should examine our beliefs before accepting them. Then we’re better able to stand up to critical thoughts, undeserved self-punishment, and airbrushed models in the name of deeper values.
–Dr. Lastname

My sister started hearing voices when she was about 20 and then got diagnosed with schizophrenia, but she controls it well with medication and is able to hold a challenging secretarial job, so I know she’s relatively lucky. Sure, she had a brief hospital stay a couple years ago when her paranoia got out of hand, but since then she’s been fine. The other day, however, when we had dinner together, she was more outgoing about her fears of my being able to read her mind or put thoughts in her head. I was glad she could confide in me and I wondered if that was a sign she was getting better, but then I had second-thoughts about whether, if she was talking about it more, that it was maybe getting worse, and she was going to share her fears inappropriately with people at work. I’d like to know whether her talking about her symptoms is a good sign or bad sign and what I should advise her to do.

Back in the day, shrinks always thought sharing was a good thing, even if patients shared how much they hated us, thought we were aliens from Jupiter, and/or wanted to kill us. Thanks for sharing, even more thanks for not murdering.

In the long run, we thought sharing was always a good step towards recovery. Actual experience, however, has taught us otherwise, so your question is sensible, and you should, indeed, be prepared to discourage sharing when you think it’s a bad idea.

The key question you should ask your sister, and encourage her to ask herself, is whether she’s as sure as she usually is that the things she fears aren’t really happening. You’re less worried about her losing her job and more worried about her losing her mind.

If she’s confiding in you because she’s confident in her ability to tell delusion from reality, then it’s helpful to talk about her symptoms without disapproval or stigma and respect the effort it costs her to tolerate them while going about her business. You can even inquire about the techniques she uses to ignore them and share your own methods for ignoring distractions when you’ve got work to do.

On the other hand, if she tells you that her fears are stronger and more distracting than usual, then you should tell her that, from your point of view, her symptoms are getting a little worse and you wonder whether she’s been taking her medication recently and what her usual procedure is for heading off early relapse. Your guess is that it includes calling her doctor and/or upping one of her medications, and you’ll be glad to put in a call if she wants your help.

If she seems too paranoid to make the call herself, you can always contact her doctor without her permission. Remember, her doctor can’t share information with you, but you can always share information with her doctor, who will want to know if her symptoms are getting worse.

Chances are, given your sister’s well-established ability to function well in spite of her symptoms, that her comments reflect confidence rather than compulsion, and that it’s a credit to your friendship that she can talk comfortably about her experience. You’re one of those special people in her life who sees her as a person with schizophrenia, not a schizophrenic.

Even if she’s experiencing early relapse, her chance of a full recovery is excellent. In either case, you don’t have to be a shrink or delve into the meaning of her symptoms in order to be a helpful friend. Her over-sharing with you doesn’t mean she’s going over the edge.

STATEMENT:
“It’s creepy to know the weird things that go on in my sister’s mind when she’s having schizophrenic symptoms, but I know her well and have the greatest respect for her ability to work and be a good friend in spite of her crazy thoughts.”

I don’t love my job, but it’s been interesting, and I like the people and the fact that I always have something to contribute. Recently, though, it’s been exhausting because the company is short of money and they keep asking me to do more and more. It’s got to the point where I’m not home enough, my wife is complaining, and I’m so fed up with work I’m really not doing a good job. My goal is to work harder, get home earlier, and get through this difficult time.

I know a guy’s identity is supposed to depend on his work, but that’s just instinct talking, and not a reflection of your values. As a mature adult, father, and husband, your actual values are to do a good day’s work in return for pay. That doesn’t mean a good day’s work as defined by your boss’s approval and happiness, because that would make you a slave to any crazy, depressed, perfectionistic boss who’s never happy with anyone’s work until the job is done; it means living up to your own definition of a good day’s work and being able to stand by your own opinion, even if your boss is delusional.

Pretend you’re the boss and you’re hiring someone to do your job, for your pay, with your experience. Then define the performance you expect from this person, given what they signed on for and the pay you’re giving them. Finally, use these standards to measure your own performance.

If, as I suspect, you’ve been working harder than you should, then your goal isn’t to work harder still. It’s to meet your own definition of hard work, even if that means working fewer hours, getting less done, and watching the boss give you the stink-eye at quitting time. Your goal isn’t to feel good about the way he feels about you, but to give yourself and your family appropriate protection from crazy overwork, regardless of how you feel.

Assuming you should be cutting back on your work hours, give careful thought to your priorities and monitor your performance carefully. Then prepare a statement for your boss that expresses confidence in your contribution and concern for the project as a whole. It should present him with his options, given the fact that you can’t complete everything you’d like to, while implying that you’re working very hard and feel it’s your duty to deliver the unpleasant news that, however you juggle priorities, there’s some important stuff that won’t get done.

Yes, you may get fired, but you won’t first have to get worn out and worn down and then tell him you can’t do more or you’ll have a nervous breakdown. You also won’t have to first get mad and tell him to take this job and shove it. Regardless of what happens, you’ll know you did the right thing and you’ll be able to give yourself good references as you look for a new job and a better boss with your new, better set of priorities.

STATEMENT:
“I’ve always been willing to work extra hard and stay late to complete a project, but, with my current job, the crash projects come one after another and never end. I know I would never expect anyone else to work the way I’ve been working, so it’s time for me to strengthen my management skills and give myself the protection I deserve.”