Bullsplit

Posted by fxckfeelings on January 27, 2014

Sometime or other, for any number of stupid reasons, most of us have found ourselves hanging onto or hanging back from a relationship that was never going to satisfy our needs. What you need to do, of course, is to let go of what you had in order to find what you actually want—a good relationship—instead of avoiding immediate loneliness by clinging to the unsatisfactory-but-familiar. It takes courage to cut your losses and open yourself to the unknown, but that’s the only way to make sure you’re ready when the right relationship finally comes along. Ultimately, you’ll end up hanging on to your standards, which are more important than anything (and anyone) else.
–Dr. Lastname

After a long separation I now have my decree nisi and can make my divorce final as soon as we sort out our finances. It’s been a long marriage and the bitterness has settled and we both agree that there is no going back. My problem is that I can’t seem to break out of the inertia/fear and do what needs to be done to set us both free. My ex is adopting the same sluggish approach despite putting pressure on me a few months back to file for divorce. We are both in other relationships and remain on good terms. My goal is to identify what the block is and find the courage and motivation to get on with what needs to be done.

Whether it’s mixed feelings, fatigue, or just a distaste for paperwork and/or lawyers, searching for the reason you’re avoiding the final steps of divorce may do the opposite of setting you free.

I assume you’d recognize and deal with depression, if that’s your problem, and that you’ve already done much of the work of breaking up and moving on. If you hadn’t, you wouldn’t be with someone new and on good terms with the someone that’s old.

The risk of searching for meaning in avoidant behavior is that it often doesn’t give you a tool for breaking log-jams, and dwelling on helplessness and negative feelings is a good way to lose energy and get more stuck.

Instead of figuring out why you can’t pull the trigger, or examining your feelings about your almost-ex, review your objective, practical reasons for divorce. Just as you would examine your reasons for finding a partner or evaluating someone for partnership, list the factors that doomed your marriage without dwelling on anger, disappointment, and should-haves or would-haves. Focus on what your marriage lacked in terms of acceptance, trust, financial stability, a working relationship, an ability to nurture your most important life goals, etc.

My guess is that there are certain aspects of your ex’s character, behavior, and life goals that won’t change and will always interfere with partnership. Without blaming him or yourself, fan the motivation to finalize by focusing on these qualities and determining to do what’s necessary to re-build your life.

Don’t let shame stop you from recruiting help from friends and family; you can even have someone come over and watch you while you complete the remaining paperwork. Ask for help getting organized from someone who’s got the organizational gifts that you lack. Don’t ask to be nagged, just assisted, encouraged and applauded while you overcome a difficult barrier. Self-criticism will slow you down; what you need is to be cheered and fed.

Once you know the positive, non-reactive reasons for completing your divorce, you’re ready to take on your next challenge, and make sure avoidant behavior will never control your life. Then the only thing you’ll avoid is putting things off for too long.

STATEMENT:
“I feel stuck about being stuck, which makes me feel more stuck, but I know what I want in life and why it’s necessary to get a divorce. I will focus on my positive reasons for moving on and not let shame stop me from getting all the help I need to get organized and get the deed done.”

I’m afraid to let myself get committed to my boyfriend, though he’s a terrific guy and says he wants to settle down. The trouble is, he’s had other close relationships over the past 10 years, and they always seem to break down when he gets a big project at work, or gets a job offer in another city. He hasn’t broken up with his girlfriends; they broke up with him because they just didn’t get to see enough of him, since he loves his work as a very high-powered executive, and he’s very ambitious, probably more than he realizes. So my goal is to figure out whether I’m afraid of commitment or of getting committed to someone who will never really have room for a relationship.

Just because someone is an ambitious workaholic doesn’t mean he can’t also have a committed relationship, particularly if that’s what he says he wants, but you’re right to pay more attention to his actions and track record than to his words. It’s good that you’ve done the necessary detective work, but unfortunately, the news isn’t, and it suggests your boyfriend has less room on his dance-card than he says or thinks he does.

There’s nothing wrong with pushing the issue by sharing your doubts about his availability and asking him, and yourself, if there’s anything new about his attitude and behavior that would make you think he’s about to change. Particularly now, when you’re not too emotionally involved and therefore not angry or disappointed, you can pop the question skeptically but uncritically, knowing that cutting through his rationalizations and getting an honest answer is as much in his interest as yours.

Don’t be overly impressed by expressions of love, however sincere; a major change in priorities and behavior that hinges on new love is not only fragile, but sets you up for a crushing personal loss if/when his normal reflexes reassert themselves. Put more faith in his motivation if it arises from his own development, values, and long-term goals. Then you won’t worry about his relapsing every time you have a spat, and won’t feel that it’s your job to be lovable if you want him to stay available.

Don’t let neediness talk you into accepting an implausible answer, just because you feel you could have a wonderful life together. Instead, hold back until his availability is confirmed by new and lasting behaviors, using friends and family to confirm your assessment of his reform. Of course, if he doesn’t recognize his work-addiction and express concern about his ability to change long-grooved behaviors, you have your answer right away, even if it’s not the one you want.

Perhaps the most important requirement to impose on this process is the one you should put on yourself, to clear your dance card as soon as the answer is clear and not in your favor. It’s tempting to hang onto a loving relationship, hoping that change will occur, but nothing could be more damaging to your long-term goal of finding a stable partnership. Unless you’re very lucky, a good partnership search requires swift, definitive rejection of the almost-good-enoughs. Otherwise there’s no room for good luck when it finally arrives.

You’ve done all the work that’s needed. Now all that’s left is to have your talk, judge his response (by his feet more than his mouth), and make your move. It may not make you happy in the short run, but you’re trying to find yourself the partner you need, not the words you want to hear.

STATEMENT:
“I would love to have a long-term relationship with my boyfriend, but he shows every sign of being married to his job. I’m not afraid to tell him I care and I want to be sure I’ve given this my best shot. If I don’t see an obvious commitment to change, however, I am prepared to move on.”