Panic Glutton

Posted by fxckfeelings on January 23, 2014

Sadly, there’s a simple equation when it comes to confronting someone about drug use; the more you panic during the confrontation, the more they panic and then seek chemical relief by using more drugs. So, whether you’re trying to get through to others, or taking up the topic with yourself, it’s best not to focus on negative emotions. Instead, ask yourself to create your own definition of drug abuse, based on what you think would compromise your safety or ability to keep your promises and be who you want to be. Then compare your behavior with your standards and, if it doesn’t measure up, consider a positive way forward. Your confrontations will be less dramatic, but your conclusions and efforts will have stronger roots, more staying power, and the relief won’t be so chemical.
–Dr. Lastname

My twenty-year-old son did well for a couple months after his last detox, but then I got a call from his girlfriend that he’s taking the same tranquilizers again that he was addicted to before. I asked him about it and he denied it, but I believe his girlfriend and now I don’t know what to do…tell him to get help, take him to the emergency room, have an intervention, or what? If he admits it at all, I know he’ll say that his anxiety is unbearable and he just can’t stand it without medicating himself. My goal is to get him real help.

Most people know that the first of the Twelve Steps is to admit your lack of power over addiction, but few realize that this applies as much to the loved ones of addicts as to addicts themselves.

As the parent of a young son, you may feel you have additional power and responsibility, but you also have additional handicaps, such as the huge cost of treatment, its notorious ineffectiveness, and the difficulty of winning cooperation from a defiant child.

So don’t feel obliged to act as if you’re in control; the best you can do is help your son improve and regain his self-control, and the best way to do that is by remaining calm and guiding him towards treatment instead of pushing him into it.

Instead of punching through your son’s denial, spell out the advantages for him of identifying early relapse. The sooner he stops, the less damage done and the lower the risk of his hurting himself physically, medically, or academically. That’s why, if you see signs of relapse, you will reduce his access to transportation and money—not to punish him, but to reduce the risks that go with addiction.

Without using words like “bad choices” and “responsibility,” let him know any danger signs you’ve observed, including slurring, fogginess, and avoidant behavior. Urge him to ask trusted friends and advisors whether they see any impairment, so as to protect himself from underestimating the impact of drugs on his life and allow him to take action before others force him to. Of course, he probably won’t, but you’ve set the tone for giving him calm advice and trying to put him in charge of his recovery.

Tell him you don’t want to, but you’ll have to take over if you see him doing anything dangerous, at which point an emergency room doctor will decide whether he needs additional in-hospital treatment. While acknowledging that he may hate feeling humiliated or controlled by the detox process, urge him to consider the high cost of residential rehabilitation, which is what he’ll need if he isn’t able to get or stay sober. Don’t make him feel guilty about what rehab will cost you; make him concerned about what it will subtract from the resources you’ve earmarked for his future.

Don’t let yourself get overwhelmed by helplessness or disappointment; remind both him and yourself that relapses are part of the illness of addiction, and that your goal is to help him recover sobriety as soon as possible and learn from the experience.

Sooner is better, safer, and less costly, but you’re ready to help as soon as he’s ready to begin, as many times as it takes, one day at a time.

STATEMENT:
“I hate seeing my son mess up his life while lying to me and everyone else, but I know relapses are an unavoidable risk of addictive illness. I will encourage him to shorten relapses and learn from them, while helping him fight the shame and self-hate that they cause.

My wife gets worried every time I have anything to drink, and I’ve got to admit she’s got a reason—I used to drink way too much, so I stopped for a while just to get things back under control. Now I indulge very infrequently, just at weddings and family events, so I don’t see why she worries. I don’t even think about drinking and, if I do go on a bender, I hardly have a hangover, so I’m certainly not an addicted alcoholic. She claims I get drunk enough to fall down and hurt myself and that I would have grabbed the car keys once if she hadn’t hidden them, but that’s just once, a year ago. My goal is to get my wife to be more reasonable about my drinking.

Before worrying about your wife’s opinion of your drinking or her possible panic level, give thought to your own rating method. Pretend, for instance, that you’re trying to determine the indicators that would help you rate drinking-safety for a friend or relative. It’s positive that you don’t encounter withdrawal symptoms, drink every day, or feel much urge to drink. That means that drinking is unlikely to affect your work, and that you’re the same guy after-hours as are you all day.

Ask yourself, though, whether you’d be comfortable sharing a bank account with or insuring the health of someone who occasionally binges and just might drive. Even if it occurs rarely, the risk is higher than I think you want it to be. To the degree that binging causes you to lose your judgment and someone else, like your wife, has to step in to protect you, it also damages a key relationship.

Carefully gather the facts of your binges and discuss them with others whom you trust, preferably moderate drinkers who don’t binge. Ask them to be objective about the risks and tell you whether they think you’re putting yourself and family at excessive risk.

Then, whatever your decision, present it to your wife without argument or defensiveness. Let her know that you care about her opinion and have given her concerns careful thought, with special attention to issues of maintaining safety and not burdening her with unfair responsibility. Let her give you any input you haven’t had before, and then, if it’s necessary, announce that it’s time to agree to disagree and drop the subject.

My own impression, from what you say, is that the risk of harm from your binges is higher than you think, but the person who has to make that judgment is you. Leave yourself open to reconsidering your risk if events contradict your expectations.

In any case, making the issue your own and suppressing your defensive responses to your wife will improve your ability to work out this issue rationally, without letting marital interactions interfere with the values that matter most; safety for yourself, your family, and your future.

STATEMENT:
“I feel like my wife is a worry wart about my drinking, but I won’t let my resentment of her nagging interfere with my ability to make my own judgment and be a responsible husband and father.”