Fault to the System

Posted by fxckfeelings on January 13, 2014

Ironically, the two simplest ways to make a problem worse are also entirely contradictory; you can give the problem too much attention, or pretend it doesn’t exist. That means the ideal, middle ground is finding the courage to admit you have a problem, particularly if it’s stigmatized, then summoning the additional courage to put it out of your mind after doing your best to manage it. It’s not a simple process, but it is the best way to ensure that you both face your problem and not let it take over your life.
–Dr. Lastname

I was just told recently that I have ADD. Lately, I’ve been wondering if my brain has other irregularities (I’m pretty sure it does, I can barely do basic f*cking math). I try to bring it up to my relatives, if I maybe have other learning disabilities, but they say it’s genes or it’s just my ADD. I end up feeling like a hypochondriac or just plain crazy. I guess my point is, how do I go about trying to convince my relatives that maybe there is more to know and get their support? Although even asking that is making me feel like a hypochondriacal nut-job.

Contemplating your brain can be just as useless as contemplating your navel; although the latter is usually a euphemism for useless, time-wasting self-involvement, aimlessly exploring any body part is a huge waste of time.

Obsessing over a disability can make you feel helpless and inadequate, so before trying to learn more about your brain, ask yourself why you want to know. If you need to know more about your brain problems in order to manage them better, more power to you. Otherwise, accept the ways your brain is broken and find a work-around.

If your brain problems are recent rather than longstanding, ask your primary care doctor whether there’s anything wrong with your brain that’s fixable. There are a number of very fixable, checkable problems that can cause your brain to underperform, including a weak thyroid gland, B12 deficiency, and an overactive parathyroid gland.

Don’t encourage him or her to get tests about things you can do nothing about, unless you want to get depressed. Depression, by the way, is another major (sometimes treatable) cause of slow, distracted thinking, but there’s no test for that, other than noting the kind of music you keep in your iTunes library or whether you watch documentaries about third-world countries on Netflix.

If your brain has always underperformed on certain tasks and you can’t find a spouse or employee who is gifted in doing those tasks and can do them for you, then it’s worthwhile learning more about the way your brain processes information and get a coach to teach you tricks for doing better. Neuropsychologists can give you hours of information-processing tests and suggest ways you can use your strengths to compensate for your weaknesses. Their services are usually partly covered by insurance, but not entirely, and testing can sometimes be expensive. Coaching by a psychologist or social worker is usually covered by insurance as long as you space out the visits.

In any case, don’t make it a priority to get your relatives’ support, because that’s beyond your control and likely to harness your self-esteem to their reaction. Instead, learn what you need to know about your own problem, then offer to educate them about what you’ve got and what you need, and if your impairment means you won’t meet their expectations, too bad. Define your own expectations and make it clear to them that you value your progress, not by the prestige or volume of your work, but by how well you do with what you’ve got.

No matter when your impairment began, don’t dwell on what you can’t do, or why. Learn to accept and manage your weakness so that you can do whatever is really important for you to do, even if it takes you longer and requires more sweat.

Don’t define yourself by your disability, but by how well you manage it while living your life. Be proud, and aimlessly ponder less.

STATEMENT:
“I wish to understand more about the frustrating way my brain prevents me from doing things I should be able to do, but I don’t want to dwell on my disabilities. I will find out more if it will help me define what I have to accept and what extra work I have to do to accomplish my goals.”

I’ve had trouble adjusting to college and life on my own. When I had academic trouble my first year, I got very drunk and then had the bad luck to get caught driving under the influence, which was the first time I was forced to take time off. The next year, after my boyfriend dumped me, I got drunk again, broke his car windows, and got arrested for a drunk and disorderly. This past year I was doing better taking Ritalin, but I was worried about falling behind so I doubled up on my dose and started to feel crazy, and now my doctor won’t give me any more. My goal is to finish school and learn to take better care of myself.

College adjustment may be a part of your problem, but it’s not as important as your inability to manage your impulses when you’re upset, without parental supervision. That’s when you do what your anger or hurt want you do to, rather than what’s good for you, and the fact that it usually involves drinking and dangerous, violent behavior is even more worrisome. Before college even enters the picture, you’ve got to deal with the two huge problems of alcohol, and poor impulse control.

On the other hand, you also have strengths and a determination to finish school. Getting help with your courses or college adjustment, however, will probably not protect you from binge drinking and wild behavior. Unless you realize you have these problems and start working on them, you’re in trouble.

Don’t take my word for it; do your own self-assessment. Count up the number of times you’ve screwed yourself with alcohol and bad behavior. The goal is not to blame yourself—blame your genes or the taste of beer, if you want—but to figure out whether these are problems you need to manage.

If you wind up agreeing, make those two problems the focus for change. Don’t let shame stop you from talking to friends and a coach/therapist or 12 step group about how to protect yourself from triggers, calm yourself down, and take good care of yourself when you’re angry or hurt. Not drinking is the big step forward, which then allows you to think about what’s really important and stay under control.

Remember that the most important college you’re going to is Self-Control and Common Sense U, and that you have some 101 courses to take. Tuition doesn’t require money, just pain, but once you graduate, your other college will be a breeze.

STATEMENT:
“I feel like I can get through college if I just try harder and stop getting in my own way. I wonder, though, if I’ve got a serious impulse-management problem. If so, I know I’ll have to make it my priority or my current courses won’t do me much good.”