Parent/Child Bondage

Posted by fxckfeelings on January 9, 2014

When your kid is a teenager, every decision you make has the potential to cause drama, whether you’re insisting they retake the SATs or refusing to buy them $200 pants. One issue that will have a powder keg quality right into adulthood, however, is whether you think a family relationship should have more together-time or less. More time together may feel like crowding, and less time together may feel like rejection or loss, but either way, be prepared to encounter strong emotions, including your own, when you go to discuss it. First, ask yourself why a change is necessary or beneficial, rather than why your feelings want it. Then prepare to ignore criticism, anger and hurt feelings while you stand by your views and do what’s best, just as you did with the pants.
–Dr. Lastname

I know that my ex and I put the kids through a rough divorce fifteen years ago, and the roughest part, at least from my point of view, was that my ex convinced a judge that the kids shouldn’t see me without supervision. I couldn’t afford that, so the kids basically didn’t see me for about fifteen years, but understanding the problem hasn’t helped me deal with my oldest son now that he’s twenty-one and free to start seeing me again. He’s reached out to me several times, which was wonderful and had me hoping we could rebuild a relationship, but then he’d set up a time to come over for dinner, and I’d cook up something special, and he wouldn’t show up or call for several months. There’s nothing I want more than to re-establish some kind of relationship with him and his younger sister, but I can’t stand setting up times to meet and knocking myself out and then getting stood up. I’m afraid his mother has poisoned his mind against me and I don’t like getting treated like shit. My goal is to be his father, not his doormat.

Whether it’s from a boyfriend, university, or a home loan, rejection is rejection, and even if you know why it’s happening and know there’s nothing you did wrong, it hurts like hell. You could know you’re the most important person in your child’s life, and it would still be hard to be stood up, ignored, disobeyed, and shut out.

When, on top of that, you’re yearning to resume a relationship years after it was stopped by divorce, you’re even more vulnerable and helpless. You already know what your child has discovered; that your need for one another is mutual, as is your ability to hurt one another.

Given the strong needs and disappointment on both sides, things can go wrong at the drop of a hat. If you show your hurt or anger when your son stands you up, you satisfy his need to punish you for leaving while making it stronger. Showing negative emotions can ignite the powder keg and push you two further apart.

Instead, create an alternative, positive way of viewing the future by asserting your own perspective of the past. Excluding negative feelings, tell him you wanted to provide him with good parenting and that you happen to think you could have done a good job, if the bitterness of your divorce hadn’t gotten in the way. In any case, you believe you will always have love and support to offer and hope he will explore the possibilities as time goes by and see if he agrees.

Then, when he calls, don’t get emotional or knock yourself out, since strong emotion will trigger both of you. Instead, let him know your availability, while urging him to call and confirm 15 minutes before just in case your plans change, and ask him what kind of pizza he prefers. Keep it friendly, casual, and disappointment-proof.

Stand by your no-fault view of a painful past and your optimism for a future that requires nothing but patience, persistence, and an ability to find some fast foods you can both tolerate. Expect false starts and provocative accusations, remembering this isn’t a rejection, but a process.

STATEMENT:
“I yearn to see my son again, but I know how dangerous it is to unleash the hurt of our lost time together. I will outline a positive, unemotional path for us to take that will protect us both from expectations and provocations until we have a chance to see whether we can get our groove back.”

I’ve adjusted to the shock of having my daughter move back home five years ago so I could help her raise her son. It sure wasn’t what I was planning and I wasn’t thrilled, but I could see no alternative since the father wasn’t in the picture and she dropped out of college when she got pregnant. Now we get along well, and I love my grandson, but that’s what worries me—my daughter is very comfortable with this arrangement, rarely dates, and doesn’t seem to be interested in moving out or changing her life. She has a good job and helps out around the house, but it’s still harder for me than if I just had myself to take care of, and I’m not sure it’s good for her. My goal is to figure out whether it’s time for her to go, which I think it is, and then get her to agree.

Your first priority was always the well-being of your grandson, and it’s clear that you and your daughter succeeded beautifully in giving him a secure home, making the necessary sacrifices to secure the future and safety of the next generation. Now it’s time to think about your own needs and the level of sacrifice that continues to be necessary.

You should figure out your own priorities, however, before concerning yourself with your daughter’s. Ask yourself whether the current arrangement wears you out, causes you to work harder than is good for you, or interferes with your own important personal, social, or creative needs. Don’t just ask yourself whether you’re happy; think about whether this living situation is good for you. Then weigh the possible good that living with you does for your grandson and the risk of harm to him if you’re not there. Finally, imagine the possible good that living independently could do for your daughter.

Write down your conclusions in a way that avoids negative moral judgments or feelings. Include facts and projections, as if you’re weighing the pros and cons of a corporate spinoff. If you think it would be good to separate, don’t discuss your anger or unhappiness or your daughter’s irresponsibility. Just cite the good things you’ve accomplished together, the advantages of separating, and the good things you’ll miss.

Don’t make it your business to see how she feels or how you feel about how she feels. Instead, gather together your observations and form an objective opinion about what will be good for you and, if separation is your plan, why it’s better. Then invite input, but take responsibility for making your own decision.

Hopefully, your daughter will follow your lead, put aside her anxiety about making changes, join you in a rational discussion of the pros and cons of living together, and come to a similar conclusion. If not, however, prepare to implement your decision as long as you’ve convinced yourself that it’s for the best for all generations involved.

STATEMENT:
“Breaking up our household when my daughter clearly likes it the way it is will probably cause anxiety and anger, but I have a right to assess my own needs and I have the experience to figure out the consequences of living together or apart. I will trust my own observations, come to my own conclusion, and stand by it whether or not my daughter agrees.”