D’oh Choice
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 23, 2013
As emotions go, guilt is often the most devious; it’s very good at tricking us into believing we’ve done something wrong, when we know we haven’t. It’s so slick that you can feel guilty for not feeling guilty in the first place. That’s why guilt is a terrible barometer for whether or not you’ve made a good or bad decision; sometimes the right choice makes you feel wrong and the wrong one righteous, at least in the short run. If you think of values and consequences, however, as well as needs, you’ll usually come up with a choice you won’t feel guilty about being proud of.
–Dr. Lastname
Please Note: We’re taking Thursday off, so please have a great Boxing Day without us.
I’m a medical doctor—I graduated three years ago and did extremely well in my school. But then I broke up with my boyfriend, and for a while, I hated myself very much for it. Coupled to it was the death of one of my closest relatives. I turned lethargic, did not want to function, never talked to anyone and was alone. Finally I managed to get into a job not at all related with medicine, but for the past few months, I have been experiencing severe guilt about my decision. At the same time I don’t feel active or ready enough to put in the hard work necessary to go back to medicine. At least this feeling is welcome as I am finally feeling something. I have stopped trusting any guy and don’t want a relationship, but I’m consumed by this feeling of guilt. Unfortunately I also have a bit of narcissism, I feel that I m more intelligent than most of the people I meet, and so did not visit any counselor either. I just want to know if you have any suggestions on how to conquer my guilt and lethargy.
Even with support from a very nice therapist, all the insight in the world, and/or a job in the medical profession, guilt and lethargy often hang around as long as they want. You could find cures for cancer, bad boyfriends, and even depression, but still feel guilty that it took you so long, guilt is that insidious.
The way to conquer those symptoms is to prevent them from affecting your beliefs about yourself and the world. Up until now, it seems the symptoms have been brainwashing you into feeling like a hateful, worthless failure instead of a smart medical school graduate with an unlucky personal life.
It’s certainly possible that depression made it impossible for you to function as a doctor by interfering with your ability to focus, concentrate, read, and multi-task. Even if you forced yourself to practice medicine, you may have been too cognitively disabled to do the job, so take credit for finding a way to work regardless.
Instead of waiting for your confidence or energy to return, however, assess your cognitive functions. There will come a time, and it may already have come, when your brain will start working again and regain the ability to do good enough work, even though you may still lack confidence and energy. When that happens, push yourself; as long as you believe that your medical work is worthwhile and that your skills are sufficient, pursue the path you’ve already chosen. Don’t let negative thinking stop you or guilt slow you down.
If finding a partner becomes important to you again, don’t worry about your new mistrust of guys and don’t let it stop you from dating. Don’t let mistrust change your belief in your ability to find a good relationship or alter the value you place on it. Instead, use it to become better at rejecting the many guys who wouldn’t be right for you, no matter how strong the mutual attraction. Now that you’re more experienced, you have a much better chance of succeeding.
Depression turns your superior intelligence against you. Reach out to friends, family, and/or a therapist who have the common sense to remind you that, just because you’re writhing with the pain of rejection, your strengths remain solid and your professional abilities haven’t disappeared.
Open yourself to the support of friends and the wisdom of those who have survived what you’re experiencing and triumphed. You’ll become a stronger and wiser survivor yourself. Guilt will always be there, but it doesn’t need to get in your way.
STATEMENT:
“I feel like I don’t care about myself or where I’m going, but I still believe in the value of hard work, helping people, and good friendships. I will reclaim my values and direction and move forward again, even if I have to go slow and endure lingering unhappiness.”
I thought I had a reasonable marriage and was raising a solid family until my wife told me she didn’t love me and wanted a divorce. I thought we were getting along well and building security for the future, but she said we couldn’t communicate, she had found someone she felt closer to, and she didn’t want to waste the rest of her life feeling she passed up the opportunity to live with the person she loves. When I checked out her boyfriend, he seemed like a lazy dope. I’m hurt, worried about the impact on our kids, and I think she’s fucking up her own future, but she believes she’s on the road to true happiness. My goal is to get her to see that she’s making a big mistake.
You’re right to ask you wife whether she believes the damage done to her kids, spouse, future security and personal pride in vow-keeping is worth her leaving a boring marriage with a competent partner for the sake of the not-so-competent-seeming great love of her life. You’re doubly right not to dwell excessively on what you might have done wrong to lose her.
Nevertheless, believe it or not, your first goal isn’t to get her to see that she’s made a big mistake. First, ask yourself whether you made a big mistake in marrying her.
After all, if you ask old married people why their partnerships survive, few will say it’s because their partner made them tingle with love from dawn to dusk. They’re more likely to say it was because they were sure of their partner’s commitment, even when there was no tingle for months on end, and they valued and respected their partner even when they weren’t having much fun. They were the kind of people who put commitment ahead of tingle and felt the result was a deeper kind of love. If your wife isn’t that kind of woman, you may never be able to trust her as a partner.
Of course, you may have good reason for believing it would be best for the family to continue your marriage, at least for the time being. If, in the long run, however, you want someone whose commitment you can trust, your wife may not be that person, even if she changes her mind about her new boyfriend.
Meanwhile, for your own sake as well as the kids’, accept your wife’s choice, refrain from discussing who’s done what wrong, and put together a plan that gives you the best opportunity to be a parent while giving you social separation. By urging her to do what’s truly best for herself, and not attacking her, you’ve been a good husband and done your best to hold the family together. Now, it’s time to force yourself to let go.
If, at some point, she comes to see that she’s made a mistake, you’ll feel grounded in a life without her and able to consider your choices. Then you’ll be able to look for a partner who stands by her man, even when she doesn’t feel he’s the love of her life.
STATEMENT:
“I feel helpless watching my wife break up our family, but I realize she doesn’t feel about our marriage or relate to her feelings in the same way as I do. I will try to respect her choice, keep my anger and sadness under control, re-build my independence, and find a partnership that will last.”
