Flaws of Attraction

Posted by fxckfeelings on December 19, 2013

People often feel that the success of their relationships depends on feelings of self-confidence—love yourself and find love, whatever that means—when really it’s the other way around. In fact, if you have very little self-confidence but choose your friends and partners wisely, your self-confidence will grow as your relationships endure. If you have lots of self-confidence and choose friends foolishly, you’ll wonder what they’re doing wrong and why life is getting harder. Regardless of how confident you feel, you can learn to think about life and your needs realistically, make good relationship choices, and build friendships and partnerships that last, all without sounding like a hippie.
–Dr. Lastname

I think I know why relationships don’t work out for me, but it doesn’t seem to stop me from messing them up in the same way every time. I think guys drop me because I don’t really value myself as much as I should, and they pick up on my lack of self-esteem. There are probably other reasons, too, because I knew my last boyfriend really wanted different things than I do—he was much more materialistic than I am, and I kind of knew it from the beginning—but he was very interested at first, and I feel it’s stupid not to give someone the benefit of the doubt and spend some time if they’re really interested in me and are attractive. Anyway, he turned out to be just the kind of guy I thought he was, so it was no surprise that our relationship got nowhere, but still, it hurt to break up with him and I wonder how I’ve ever going to get enough self-esteem to make things work.

The trouble with blaming bad choices on a lack of self-esteem is that it requires you to first gain confidence in order to make better choices—a tall order when you’re down on yourself for making bad choices, the latest of which is this “blaming your low self-esteem” thing.

Don’t pay attention then to your lack of confidence, and instead consider whether there’s a simpler way to improve your dating methodology. One obvious procedure you’ve omitted from your dating method is proper screening, which should exclude anyone who doesn’t seem like a good match, even if they’re interested and interesting to/in you.

Sure, to once-again paraphrase RuPaul, it is hard to love somebody else when you can’t love yourself, but it’s harder to love someone else when the only reason you’re with them is because they appear willing to be around you.

Defining a possible good match, in a matchmaker’s business-like terms, includes common interests, values and plans, and a good track record for honesty, sobriety, and long relationships. A lack of these qualities, not of love, is what usually causes break-ups and divorce, so checking them out before committing your heart is the essence of good, safe dating.

If you’re too needy to do a complete background check before getting close, then maybe your lack of self-esteem is too strong to let you overcome loneliness and horniness and do what you know is right. I hope, however, that your bad dating habits are correctible and that your experience has taught you it’s necessary. Date less, screen more, and you have a much better chance of success, especially if your self-esteem isn’t too tied to your personal attractiveness.

That’s because personal attractiveness guarantees you lots of initial interest, flattery, and many dates, but no great compatibility in the ways that matter, so it pushes you to get more attached when you shouldn’t and offers more opportunities for bullshit romance. All the more reason for you to know your own screening criteria, pursue them actively, and weed through the thicket of candidates more quickly.

Yes, it hurts to be lonely and it’s hard work to sift through and reject 99% of the candidates who come your way. Discipline yourself to this process, however, and become adept at efficient screening, and you’ll have a much better chance of being available and taking the initiative when true opportunity comes along.

It’s not your self-esteem that’s to blame, just bad matches; in other words, it’s not you, it’s them. Time to stop blaming yourself and being more selective. As Ru might say, it’s worth the “werk.”

STATEMENT:
“It’s hard to feel like keeping my distance when I’m lonely, but experience has taught me what I need in a partner and there’s no changing the basic requirements. I will learn how to screen quickly, avoid heartache, and increase my chance of success.”

I know the kind of women I like to go out with (sexy, good-looking/fit, independent) and I have always had the confidence to find dates and get a relationship going. My problem is that the girls always want something more, after a while, and I wind up dumping them because they’re not very happy with me. I’m not a cheapskate and there are lots of fun things I like to do, like hiking, skiing, and dancing, so I’m never dull. What I keep on doing, I think, is choosing women who are more dependent than I realize, and then, when they show their true colors, it’s too late. It really gets me down and I wonder how to stop from going through this cycle over and over.

Just as the girl in the first case discovered that there are very few attractive, attracted guys who are also good partnership candidates, you’ve discovered there are very few attractive, attracted girls who are good non-partnership candidates. It helps, of course, to have some standards for whom you date instead of just giving any interested party a try, but when those standards are mainly about attractiveness and not character, it doesn’t help much.

You’re lucky you have the attractiveness and sociability that make it easy to pick up girls and start relationships. If you want to do more than bask in one another’s attractiveness, however, you may not be able to sustain a relationship. That’s because relationships, sooner or later, require you to tolerate the less attractive side of one another’s personalities as you go through hard times together. If you don’t see the purpose of a relationship as helping one another get through those times and giving one another acceptance, you probably won’t find one that will get past the first illness, parental visit, or delayed flight.

Sometimes, the attractive, sociable, and ever so confident don’t realize they need something other than good company. Perhaps you have a family support system you can take for granted, so that you never worry about having to cope with illness, losses, or unemployment alone. If so, going through hard times might help you assess your needs for the future and re-order your priorities.

So instead of looking for good times and fun people to share them with, or not looking beyond your buddies and family to have your back, do research on hard times and imagine how a partner would affect your ability to cope with them. Ask yourself who would be good company for a bad time.

Don’t assume that the dissatisfied girls you’ve been dating are overly needy, because what you may be underestimating is your own preparedness to meet the needs of life when life stops being fun and to contribute to a team when the going gets tough. Rely on your life experience to tell you what’s coming down the line, then think about revising your criteria, not just for the kind of person you’re looking for, but the kind of person you want to be, and how much it matters what a person looks like.

STATEMENT:
“I feel like I have a talent for enjoying myself and having a good time with my dates, but the pleasure I get out of life may be blinding me to problems that I need to face and prepare for. I will re-assess my needs and reconsider whether my choices are likely to meet them.”