Involving Conflict

Posted by fxckfeelings on December 16, 2013

While the “fight or flight” response seems ingrained in most any living thing with legs or wings, your average human’s response to aggression is slightly more nuanced; instead of “fight or flight,” it’s more like, “flight or stay put and become a dick or a doormat.” If, however, you give yourself time to think through your moral priorities, risks, resources, and the ends you want to achieve, there’s always a third, non-dick or –doormat option, which is, stay and decide to set limits. Instead of trying to intimidate or placate, you learn to protect yourself from the chaos of conflict by doing what you think is right and encouraging others to use their complex human brains to do likewise.
–Dr. Lastname

My family is lucky that I’ve always been a peacemaker, because my husband is very opinionated and overbearing. I know there’s no point in trying to reason with him or oppose what he’s saying, because he’s never going to change his mind and opposition just makes him angrier, and when he’s angry he just berates me until I stop talking and yells until I beg him to stop because it’s upsetting the kids. He’s never, ever been physically violent, just loud. Sometimes, however, I find myself feeling helpless, depressed, trapped, and full of resentment and anger. My goal is to feel better about my husband’s behavior without rocking the boat.

Although rocking the boat may feel painful and like the wrong thing to do—it is, after all, one of the best ways to tip over and sink—there is usually a possible benefit in family situations. And not just because a sinking ship will drown most rats.

For instance, it may stop you from having to go along with a bad or dangerous decision, or protect you from toxic exposure to prolonged criticism. In actuality, your husband is the real boat-rocker who insists on his right to yell you into submission and you have to decide what action will best keep it afloat, even if that action triggers threats and loud voices that make you feel like you’re drowning.

It’s important to realize that a peaceful feeling is not the same as making peace. A peaceful feeling is doing whatever is necessary to stop your husband from yelling, regardless of what you compromise or what trouble is likely to happen later on. Peacemaking, on the other hand, is making a peaceful place for yourself in life and knowing that, as long as you’re doing what you think is right, no loud jackass can interfere with it or blackmail you out of it.

Your kind of peacemaking sounds like the former, peace-at-any-cost please-don’t-yell-at-me variety that actually encourages more yelling because it tells your husband that’s the best way for him to get what he wants. You’re too scared to protect yourself, and what happens next scares you even more, so it’s no wonder you’re angry and depressed. You have no one looking out for you, not even you, since you’re so busy responding to fear.

I’m not urging you to fight with your husband, but to fight with your fears so that you’re free to decide when it’s necessary to say no (respectfully) and ignore his response. His specific response is unimportant, just don’t provoke it by being nasty or insulting and then protect yourself from his response by getting away from it. What matters is your response; drawing a line when necessary and giving him no satisfaction or emotional stimulation if he tries to intimidate.

Learning to set limits will make you feel worse in the short run but, before long, you’ll have much less to be anxious and helpless about. You’ll know there’s someone strong to look out for you and keep you safe at sea.

STATEMENT:
I always feel I’m causing trouble if someone is unhappy with my statements and decisions, but it’s time that I learned how to stand by them when I know I’m right. I’ll take time to prepare my positions carefully, so I believe in them. Then I’ll do what’s necessary to protect myself from abuse, blackmail and intimidation.”

My six-year-old son has special needs and I know he can’t help being irritable and throwing tantrums, but I find myself getting angry with him and saying nasty things that a father shouldn’t say. I try to remember that he gets over-focused and becomes very irritable when I ask him to stop or change what he’s doing, but then he says something mean when I ask him to come to dinner and I get mean right back, as if I’m the kid. It’s so unlike me, because I like people and usually get what I want by being amiable and reasonable, so I don’t know what’s come over me. He behaves pretty well at school, which makes me feel even more ineffective. My goal is to be a good father and help my son with his problem.

Unfortunately, understanding why your young son can be aggravatingly difficult won’t explain the secret to stopping him and easing your aggravation. Having an amiable disposition, which is helpful to you in other circumstances, is also of no use here.

What you’ll need is to learn special techniques for managing problem behaviors; otherwise, your own irritability will make them worse. Getting nasty with kids’ nastiness triggers a loop of bad behavior, anger, and self-dislike on their part, then your part, then theirs. It’s normal human nature, but like so much of human nature, it’s very hard to stop once started and completely dangerous.

Just because his bad behavior pops up at home and not at school, however, doesn’t mean that you’re causing it; he’s perceptive enough to realize that controlling his behavior in school is important and the structure at school probably helps. It’s a sign of his strength, not your weakness.

For your sake and his, however, get a grip, accept that you can’t reason or charm him into good behavior, and learn how to run your household. Give him clear rules about acceptable behavior and set up a lockable, comforting, indestructible quiet room. If he can’t control himself after a warning or two, move him there quickly without explanation, uncertainty or any appearance of rage (regardless of how you actually feel). Once there, encourage him to regroup but make it clear you’re in no hurry and he can stay there as long as it takes. Proclaim your confidence in his ability to get it together and learn self-control. Get whatever advice and coaching you need in order to set up a system and make it work.

Because saying nasty things is so satisfying, it’s sometimes as hard for parents as for kids to give up the bad habit of talking back. If you have that problem, you may need a quiet room of your own. Hopefully, however, you will find it easy to control yourself once you set up the infrastructure for exerting authority and use it confidently to manage bad behavior, even if the cause of the behavior itself remains a mystery.

STATEMENT:
“I’m amazed at how quickly my son’s obnoxious behavior breaks down my own self-control, but I know I can’t intimidate him into changing and I can’t stop feeling the way I feel. I must improve my own behavior so I can take charge of my household and exert my authority more effectively.”