Value Added Facts

Posted by fxckfeelings on December 9, 2013

If everything that was good for you also felt good for you then kale would be heroin, running would be orgasmic, and one-a-day vitamins would put you into a pleasure coma. Unfortunately, bad things often feel best, which is why heroin is heroin, kale tastes like land seaweed, and passion can be poisonous. That’s why you can love someone who’s just not good for you and hate a job that you do well for good reasons, but before assuming your feelings are telling you the truth, take time to measure a relationship by how well it fulfills your purpose, meets your standards, and satisfies your moral priorities. Then you can do the right thing, even if it feels (or tastes) terrible.
–Dr. Lastname

What could have been a perfect relationship slipped very quickly down hill as two insecure people who have both been emotionally abused by our families growing up both went through stressful times suddenly. We couldn’t manage to make it through the bad times due to coping mechanisms we both employed to save ourselves from more pain, having not had long enough to make the relationship secure. Still, I’m really struggling to let him go. I felt this connection that I’ve never felt before and this is the first person I’ve ever missed in my life. I know he needs space to sort himself out but I want him back and I’m not sure whether to cut the cord now even though I really feel like I can’t and it would cause more pain. I don’t know how to let him go, or make the right decision.

The strength of your connection to a lover is great inspiration for a love song—maybe something by Taylor Swift if she ever dates Sean Penn—but a good song won’t tell you whether a relationship is good for you, is likely to last, or what you can or should do if it falters.

The fact that you and your former lover are insecure victims of abusive families may explain why you’re both anxious and vulnerable to doing negative things when you’re scared, but it won’t tell you how much he can control his negative behaviors and/or tolerate yours. For that, you need to review facts, not your emotional family history.

Some people would say that understanding that his negative behavior is driven by insecurity means that it’s controllable, but as we love to remind readers, finding the source of a problem is not same as finding the solution. What counts isn’t what causes his behavior, but how well he’s managed himself in the past, how well he identifies his negative behavior as needing management, and how much he wants to control it now.

So before you agonize over letting your lover go, review what you know, not how you suffer. If, as I suspect, you see no sign that he’s ready to work on a relationship, then it’s your job to judge that he’s no good for you. Regardless of how much you love him, you have a responsibility to move on and open up your dance card to better possibilities. You can’t stop him from breaking your heart, but that’s not as important as your right to a better relationship in the future.

If you think your own insecurity caused you to say or do the wrong thing and that he might be a good boyfriend if you were to let him know where you really stand, then of course you should try to give him a positive statement about your feelings and express your determination to act better in the future. You’re as responsible for managing your own behavior as he is for managing his.

Put aside your thoughts about your former close conversations and ruminations about why things went bad, however, and stick to your job of judging his ability to be a long-term friend and partner. Review the facts and his history, and think about the minimum qualifications you believe are necessary for making a partnership work, be it with him or someone who had a happy childhood with a dog and a trampoline.

Then, if he either doesn’t measure up or doesn’t respond to your best fence-mending, you have a responsibility to yourself to move on. Look for friends or a coach/therapist who can keep you on topic and help you stay away from useless ruminations or unhealthy conversations. Keep doing it while you look for someone better.

Sad love songs are plentiful because misery is easier to write about than boring contentment, but that constant discord is also why troubled relationships are doomed. Leave the heartbreakers to Taylor and look for someone and something with less passion and potential airplay and more long-term potential for reliable contentment.

STATEMENT:
“I can’t stop loving my ex-boyfriend and thinking about what we could have had, but there’s nothing I can do now to make things work out better than they have. I have a responsibility to myself to care for my wounds, learn from them, and continue my search for a good relationship.”

I feel like I’m stagnating and going nowhere with my life. I enjoy painting and teaching others to paint, but whenever I’ve tried to turn it into a job, it hasn’t felt right. I don’t like the art world or academia and can’t see making painting a career, but my current career as a realtor makes me feel dead inside. I’m pretty good at it and earn enough to provide for my kids, but I’m bored and it’s really painful to stifle my creativity. My friends have finished training for careers as doctors and lawyers, and I’m just making a living, hating myself. I can’t get over feeling that I’ve missed the boat on my true calling and talent and will lead a wasted life.

Just because a job feels stifling, uncreative, and unfulfilling doesn’t mean that you’re a failure or even that you’re going to be doing it forever. Smart, hardworking people often can’t find work they like and sometimes can’t find work at all, so it’s unfair of you to judge yourself by whether you’re happy with your work or as happy as your peers. What counts is whether you’re doing your best with what you’ve got, and nothing you’ve written suggests you’ve done otherwise.

Like Picasso or Gauguin, you’ve tried hard to weave your talent as a painter into a career, but it just hasn’t worked. Unlike Gauguin, you’ve accepted responsibility for feeding your family and made necessary compromises (and hopefully avoided contracting venereal disease). You work hard for your money and you haven’t stopped looking for better career compromises. Just because you feel stifled doesn’t mean you’ve made any mistakes or been too frightened to explore alternatives, just that you haven’t been lucky, yet.

That you feel so self-critical and despairing, in spite of reasons for pride and optimism, suggests that you’re either perfectionistic, depressed, or both. As you know, the most powerful cause of negative thoughts isn’t real failure; it’s irrational negative feelings, often caused by depression or anxiety. You sound like you believe you’re a failure in spite of lots of evidence to the contrary.

So stop consulting your feelings or comparing yourself to your friends and ask yourself instead whether you’ve met reasonable standards for becoming self-supporting and providing for your family while trying to find work you like. There’s nothing to stop you from consulting with a job coach, reviewing all that you’ve learned about your likes and abilities from past work experiences, and planning your next move.

If your negative feelings are too painful or have stopped you from moving forward, ask yourself whether you’re depressed and need treatment. At the very least, you need to learn better methods for fighting negative thoughts without letting them shape your self-beliefs and self-esteem.

So far, you’ve done nothing you shouldn’t be proud of and lots you should take credit for. Don’t change what you’re doing, just learn how to protect your vision and values from despair and self-criticism. With the right approach, you can make a living and make art at the same time, even if it’s not at the same time.

STATEMENT:
“I feel like a creatively frustrated failure at work, but I respect my efforts to find a fulfilling job and know that my lack of luck so far has nothing to do with me. I won’t let feelings of failure stop me from continuing on this path and respecting my efforts.”