Sexual Mistakening
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 2, 2013
There are millions of reasons that being an adolescent girl is absolutely the worst—their peers are monsters, their teachers are idiots, their crushes are never as cute as vampires—but all of these issues are made worse by the fact that nobody seems able to help them. After all, when you’re trying to help a young girl deal with hormones and bad habits, not only will a rescue attempt possibly alienate the person you’re trying to help, it may offend the people whose help you need or let them off the hook when you need them to take more responsibility. In any case, assume that, in addition to giving them love and understanding, you must also be prepared to accept limited resource and political realities. Good rescues require good management, especially when you’re helping someone during the worst time in their life.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m worried about the kind of attention my granddaughter has been getting lately and how my son and his wife are handling it. She’s a terrific girl who has always done well in school, but she started going through puberty right before junior high. Now she has a gorgeous figure and is quite excited by all the attention she’s getting without quite understanding what it means. I know her parents have explained sex to her, as if there was anything they could tell her she hasn’t seen on TV, but I don’t think she gets what boys expect of her and just seems to like the romance and secret meetings with cool kids who wouldn’t look at her before. When I bring it up with her parents, they tell me they know they can trust her and they don’t believe in infantilizing her and ruining a good relationship. My goal is to help them be more appropriately protective.
When it comes to expressing concern to someone about their child, it’s nearly impossible not to imply that something’s wrong with that someone’s parenting, the child’s behavior, or their relationship. The line between concern and criticism isn’t just razor thin, but the criticism side is filled with angry wolverines, landmines, and open sewers.
Fortunately, your view isn’t blaming, but you’re still in a precarious position addressing your granddaughter’s sexuality and appearance. Frank talks about sex never seem to cover the unique burdens of being beautiful, and an adult trying to impart wisdom to a tween about image and perception is like trying to give your father advice on how to grill meats; you can’t educate someone who’s convinced of their own expertise.
Besides, whoever tries to warn your granddaughter about lust and the risks of uncontrolled male sexual aggressiveness can’t begin to describe the Twilight-like excitement and guilt of having guys fall into infatuation with her, both those she finds attractive and those she wants to avoid. Suddenly, she’s the star of her own romance and even having a close relationship with you or her parents doesn’t mean that she can find words to talk about what’s happening or gain perspective and protection from a conversation.
Your advice for her parents will cause less trouble if you focus on behavior, not relationships, and keep things positive. Tell your son, honestly, that you think she’s a great kid and they have a good relationship, but your concern has more to do with the unique good/bad fortune of her sexual attractiveness and its early arrival. It has nothing to do with her being untrustworthy and more to do with the powerful force of love and lust in the hothouse atmosphere of school and the inability of good parenting to protect kids from those forces.
Instead of suggesting her parents haven’t done a good job, offer them specific ideas for managing the problem, like giving her activities that will keep her busy when she’s socially active and finding ways of tracking her schedule and location closely. Offer to fund an activity program if you can afford it, or just to help schlep her around in person, so you can do your own sampling of the social vibes. Your goal is to help busy parents keep your granddaughter busy.
Of course, if you’re lucky enough to have a close relationship with her and she’s the kind of kid who can talk about her social/sex dilemmas, you may have a chance to advise her directly. If not, however, do what you can to develop her interests, find skills she can practice, and keep her too busy to hang out and party.
If you can avoid the perils of criticism and the horrors of teenage sexuality, you might be able to lead your granddaughter down the hellish path to adulthood with her heart and humanity intact.
STATEMENT:
“I can’t stop worrying about my granddaughter’s vulnerability to sexual relationships for which she’s ill prepared, but I have good ideas for helping her get through this phase of her life without requiring us or her parents to have deep, uncomfortable talks. I’ll keep on looking for ways to fill her time and keep her busy, growing and out of trouble.”
My granddaughter recently came to live with her mother and me because she had been fighting with her father—her parents divorced, he had custody, and my daughter lives with me since her depression makes it hard for her to hold a job. I love my granddaughter but she’s somewhat defiant about going to school and staying out late at night with the bad kids. My daughter is no good at setting limits and is starting to look overwhelmed. I’m paying for both of them to see a shrink and I’m thinking about sending her to boarding school, but I really don’t have the money and feel like I’ll soon be supporting everyone and draining my future retirement entirely. My goal is to head off disaster.
There’s nothing more important than rescuing your granddaughter, but your powers are limited and committing your resources now will do more harm than good if you end up draining your resources without solving her problems. Instead of being guided by sentimentality, think hard about what’s most effective and affordable.
Don’t jump to the rescue before assessing what she’s entitled to get from her father, his parents, and her school; if you’re too quick to help, they’ll sit on their hands, and if you over-emphasize the intensity of her needs, you may scare them away. Instead, define a set of needs that can possibly be met with available resources, then bring people together for the purpose of helping your granddaughter, encouraging their contributions with praise and optimism, not blame or guilt.
Remember, in the mental health business you don’t always get what you pay for because no one is ever sure that costly, intensive interventions will work. Clinicians who staff intensive intervention programs and residences are sometimes true-believers who honestly feel that their kind of treatment is always worthwhile, the earlier the better. Others, however, are more realistic about the number of kids they can’t help and would be the first to suggest you try less intensive interventions first.
If you put together an affordable plan and it doesn’t work, you now have evidence that will probably make your granddaughter eligible for more intensive services from the school, state, and private insurance. The last thing you want, of course, is for her to fail to respond to treatment but if she does, that’s what opens doors.
Your most powerful personal resource is not your pocketbook, though it’s nice to have a big one, but your managerial skills, patience, and persistence. Immerse yourself in your granddaughter’s problems without becoming overwhelmed with fear, anger, or pessimism. Then keep pushing responsibility, gently when possible, on all those who should own it.
In the end, you’ll do a much better job of helping her by being a strong manager than a selfless giver. Then you can still hang on to your retirement and your family.
STATEMENT:
“I’d give my life for my granddaughter but I know her problem won’t be solved easily or quickly and it won’t help if I’m the only one taking responsibility. I will use my experience to pull together all those responsible and keep them working together for as long as it takes. Then, regardless of what happens, I’ll know I’ve done right by her.”
