Marital Dis

Posted by fxckfeelings on November 25, 2013

If you truly want to believe in the old saying, “There’s someone for everyone,” you have to add the caveat, “assuming that many of those people aren’t exactly right for each other.” Some people think they’ve found “the one,” but then can’t see their partner’s faults because of the wishful optimism of love. Others sour on their spouses because of the tired pessimism of long-married irritability So if it comes time to make a tough decision about a marriage, be sure to ask yourself what continuing your partnership is likely to do to your finances, parenting, and security given what’s happened so far and what you now know about the character of your significant other. Once you figure out whether your someone is actually Mr. Wrong or Mrs. Will-Suffice, you’ll have a much better idea of whether you should hire a therapist to help you get along or a lawyer to preserve your assets.
–Dr. Lastname

Please Note: There will be no new post on Thursday due to American Thanksgiving. As always, we are grateful for our families and your misery. We’ll be back next week.

I’m living a nightmare and feel totally helpless. I thought my wife had overcome the drug habit she was struggling with before we got married (otherwise I wouldn’t have married her). Normally, she’s the sweetest person in the world. Recently, she went back being the evil witch I remember her being when she was on drugs, blaming me for everything and threatening to take me to court for abusing her. When I asked whether she was on drugs again, she said I was a crazy asshole. Two hours later she said she was sorry, that I was right, but she felt ashamed of using drugs and was taking it out on me. She said treatment just didn’t work for her. My goal is to get her to get help so she goes back to being the amazing woman I love.

There’s a reason that “addict” is a term you live with forever. That’s not to say it has to be a horrible stigma—college graduate and Torontonian also qualify as life-long labels—but no matter how much you wish addiction would be behind you or someone you love for good, it’s always there.

You thought your wife had overcome her drug habit because you loved her sweet, kind side and wanted to think ugly, addict side wasn’t real. She’s not a bad person, but she has a bad side and a bad disease that she doesn’t seem ready or willing to deal with. Even when she’s being kind, her evil side is always going to be there, and she’s doing nothing to stop it.

You’d have reason for optimism if she accepted how hard it was always going to be to control her addiction and still wanted to try—that’s the AA first step. Unfortunately, since you can’t do it for her, you have your own first step to take by admitting that you’re helpless to control her addiction or get her to want to, and you yourself are addicted to her, or at least the her you want her to be. That’s the reality your love has prevented you from facing.

Now that you’re aware of your own addiction to feelings for that sweet, loving girl who is, unfortunately, just a part of your wife’s personality, give yourself realistic goals. Accept that she’s got a hard road ahead of her and that her addiction may endanger you and your family’s stability. Help her if you can, but put aside money and prepare to live without her if necessary. Don’t blame her for disappointing you when you should have understood and accepted her weakness from the beginning.

Once you’re over your anger and have confidence in your ability to walk away, let her know that you’ll have as little to do with her addiction as possible because you don’t like what it does to her or your relationship. If it doesn’t stop, you’re afraid it will drive you apart. Don’t argue and leave it at that.

Your wife will always be an addict, but she has to want to be sober. In the meantime, you need to break yourself of your own habit and let her find her own way.

STATEMENT:
“I feel like a mean addict is stealing my wife, but I realize she’s much sicker than I wanted to believe and that she may not be able to stop herself. I will prepare for the possibility that she can’t while encouraging her, without anger, to find reasons for getting sober.”

I’m beginning to think my wife is basically not a nice person. She is grumpy every morning and critical when I come home in the evening. At the dinner table, she often disagrees with me and never seems interested in what I have to say. I think she’s teaching our three kids to disrespect me. I know she works hard and she’s a good mother, but she doesn’t really seem to care about me except in a negative way, and I wonder if she just doesn’t like men. I’ve told her I’m getting pessimistic about our marriage. My goal is to figure out if I’m right.

Just because you haven’t had a good feeling for your wife in weeks doesn’t mean the relationship is bad or that there’s nothing potentially positive about your feelings for one another. Raising a family exposes couples to awesome anxieties and extra dimensions of bad luck that often leave them drained and resentful. It happens to good people, and it doesn’t mean your marriage is over.

Marriage is the culture’s best amplifier of bad feeling; sharing a fridge is hard, so sharing a life can feel downright impossible. Your wife gets tired or depressed and scowls at you, so you take it personally and withdraw or criticize. She feels unloved, betrayed and deserted and now she’s really mad, and on it goes. That’s why even good marriages are a trial. You either suppress your negative response to negative feelings and find a way around them, or they blow up your partnership.

So don’t assume that your marriage is over just because you haven’t liked one another in a while. Ignore the bad feelings and don’t try to prod her into niceness by telling her the marriage is in trouble, because trying to get someone to be kind by threatening them is rarely successful. Instead, schedule some one-on-one time together, and make nice or make an effort to have fun.

If she doesn’t respond, ask her if she’s depressed; depression makes most people irritable and the anger fees personal, even when it isn’t. You can also tell it’s depression by asking whether she feels sad all the time and has other symptoms, like low energy, general sadness, and poor concentration. Depression is often treatable and, even when it doesn’t get better, knowing that it’s depression and not conflict can stop you and her from feeling like your relationship is a failure.

With luck, you’ll re-kindle the old chemistry. If not, you may sadly discover that you were right about what’s wrong, but that you’re always better off knowing that the gap between you was not caused by your own reactivity and nastiness, and that you made a good, kind attempt to put things right. It might not be a happy marriage, but it doesn’t have to be a former one.

STATEMENT:
“I feel like I’m an unwanted intruder at my own dinner table, but I won’t assume that my wife hates me until I find out more about her mood and do my best to get back in touch with her warm and friendly side.”