Social Contortion

Posted by fxckfeelings on November 21, 2013

When confronted with jerky behavior, your natural instinct is to stop said jerk from causing trouble, but bad behavior is like bad health; you have to figure out the causes behind the problem before you can appropriately react. After all, some people are unpleasant because they can’t help it, while others just enjoy making other people unhappy, so blind attempts at confrontation can either confuse the jerk or encourage their antagonistic behavior. So don’t assume that bullies need to be stopped before first sizing up what makes them bully others and what your resources are. Become a doctor of dickishness, do an assessment, and then you’ll know whether you need to help them change, stop them, or simply head the other way.
–Dr. Lastname

My grown-up son often gets into trouble at work because he’s very critical about everything he thinks is wrong. He tells his co-workers when he thinks they aren’t working hard enough and criticizes his boss for making the wrong decisions and just generally creates a bad atmosphere. Then he doesn’t understand why the boss tells him he’s negative and asks him if he’d like to work elsewhere. When he was younger, I took him to a shrink about his anger issues and I’ve tried to figure out what he’s angry about, but it’s done no good. He doesn’t understand why his criticism gets people pissed off, and it just makes him more negative. My goal is to help him understand why he’s angry and stop being so negative.

Maybe your son is just angry and has a bad attitude, but what’s more likely is that he’s irritable and clueless about how his irritability affects people, and criticism just makes him more irritable without helping his cluelessness. He’s not a rebel or an Asshole, just socially retarded and maybe a little Asperger-y.

Instead of wondering what you did wrong to make him so insensitive to other people’s feelings, assume that, like so many people—mostly engineers, scientists, and people who own capes—he was just born that way. Then what he needs is not reprimands, but instruction in the kind of basic etiquette that most people pick up by instinct.

Don’t be afraid to spell out the way people are likely to react to his grouchiness, and encourage him to make a new habit of shutting up until he has a chance to think things through or ask someone who’s good at predicting human reactions. Every time he stumbles, do some teaching, giving him scripts for responding to irritating situations without becoming irritating himself.

While you might worry that you’ll offended him if you spell out things that seem obvious, he’s probably been frustrated by the way people expect him to know things he just doesn’t get and will be grateful that someone accepts the fact of his disability without blaming him for it. It’s not rude to point out his social faux pas when he was never aware they were faux pas in the first place.

It’s also possible that his irritability is as much beyond his control as his defective feelings-radar, in which case expecting him to cheer up, or asking yourself what you’ve done wrong to make him unhappy, will just spread the pain. Instead, ask yourself and him whether he’s unhappy most of the time, even when things are going well, and whether he has any other symptoms of depression like low energy, social isolation, hopelessness, or self-criticism. Remember, irritability is one of the most common symptoms of depression, because nobody’s particularly upbeat and friendly when they’re miserable.

Whether or not treatment can improve his irritability—there’s at least a 50/50 chance it will—you can help him by accepting the fact that he may always be a grumpy guy. You can then advise him on ways that he can keep his grumpiness from controlling social and business relations. Again, don’t hesitate to spell out how people may react to his facial expressions or casual social expressions and offer alternative scripts that are honest but convey less negative emotion.

Your son will probably never be a cheery, savvy politician but, if he’s interested in improving his social relationships—and it certainly seems like he is—then there’s lots you can teach him about how to keep his feelings (and mood) to himself and manage his social behavior honestly and constructively.

Teach him a little social literacy, and he’ll be able to read the signs that keep him on the road to steady employment.

STATEMENT:
“I feel like my son just doesn’t care about how other people feel, but I know he wouldn’t really want to hurt people or cause conflict if he knew what he was doing. I will figure out ways to teach him social behaviors I take for granted and I will respect his willingness to learn.”

I’ve never been “cool” but I’m a nice guy and respectful to the people who work with me, so there’s no reason for the guys in my office to make fun of me, other than that they’re mean and like to feel they’re cooler than I am. While they’re goofing off, glancing over at my desk, and saying snide things about my wardrobe or the way I walk, I try to get my work done. I’m not complaining, though it’s certainly not pleasant, but it’s a strange thing for an adult to put up with. I feel I’m being bullied and wonder what I should do about it.

As you obviously know, the one thing you shouldn’t do to bullies is try to intimidate them into stopping. That works beautifully in the movies, where it’s emotionally satisfying, but, in real life, the bullies either escalate their nastiness because they enjoy getting under your skin and know you can’t hurt them, or you do hurt them and they sue you or get you fired. There are lots more bad endings than good ones in a bully-the-bully confrontations, and being a grown-up doesn’t give you more power to make things turn out better than they did in high school.

Complaining to the powers-that-be is another bad idea until you’ve thought out the consequences and figured out whether you’re better doing it nice, nasty, or not at all. Certainly you’ve got a right not to be bullied, but you also have a right to a job and good healthcare—just not all three at once, not in this world.

You’ve got to wonder why your boss has tolerated a bunch of slacker-bullies until now, and whether, if that’s the office atmosphere, s/he doesn’t have the ability to manage people and wants to avoid knowing about trouble. In some offices, on the other hand, the boss would immediately consult a lawyer, after which you’d be treated as if you were radioactive and gently, politely isolated.

The first thing to do, which you’re doing, is to keep working and avoid conflict; in the words of every other realty TV contestant ever, you’re there to make money, not friends. Then, if you think your boss might do the right thing, present the problem positively, not as if you’re about to call your lawyer. Say something nice about the job and your pleasure in doing it, making it clear that even though work is your priority, not socializing, you find yourself the target of lots of demeaning looks and comments, which you know you haven’t provoked. You wonder if there’s a way to make the workplace more pleasant and professional.

After that, if it doesn’t get better, do a job search. On the other hand, if their behavior is obvious, loud, and outrageous, record it, get a lawyer, and sue their ass. Meanwhile, you’ve obviously got the right attitude. You’re there to make a living and the workplace is not your family or even, thankfully, your high school.

STATEMENT:
“Being picked on brings back terrible memories, but I’m proud of my independence, my work ethic, and my ability to choose my battles carefully. I’m proud of my ability to stick to my goals and not waste time on adult bullies, however hurtful they may be.”