Relative Hatred

Posted by fxckfeelings on November 18, 2013

There are about as many ways to describe “love” as there are ways to order coffee at Starbucks; you can love someone but not be in love with them, care about someone but not love them exactly, love someone but want someone else low-fat, etc. Family relationships are even more complicated, because sometimes a standard, easy parent-child relationship can get spoiled by a critical event that makes it hard for you to accept one another, and sometimes a clash in parent-child personality styles prevents acceptance. In any case, don’t berate yourself for what can’t be helped and don’t expect the relationship will ever be easy. If it’s important to maintain, however, there’s nothing to stop you from avoiding conflict by gritting your teeth, making nice, and keeping your irritation and disappointment to yourself. It may not be pleasant, but when you love someone but hate being around them, it’s the best option on the menu.
–Dr. Lastname

I’ve always taken it for granted that I get along fine with my parents because we never had any significant conflicts—they were supportive when I was little, and we always found pleasant things to do together. That’s why it’s really surprising that we’re running into problems now, when I’m in my twenties. What’s happened is that they’ve both suddenly gotten religion and become Evangelicals—maybe because my sister and I left town and their lives felt a little empty—and now, whenever we talk, they make frequent reference to Jesus and have something serious and earnest to say about almost everything. They obviously feel it’s their duty to save me, which makes it very hard to have a pleasant conversation without exercising a lot of polite tact and changing the subject. I find myself getting very irritated and, really, I’m sad that the easy relationship we used to have is gone and I can’t get it back. My goal is to find some way out of this nightmare.

Having a friend get religion is like having them marry someone you don’t like—they’re still the same person, but now hanging out is less fun and more of an exercise in torture.

After all these years, you had a right to think you knew your parents inside and out and that you were lucky enough to have a solid, easy relationship based on love and mutual acceptance. While the love is still there, the ease is no more; fundamentalist religion makes it harder for them to accept you (you’re not saved) and you to accept them (you don’t want to hear about it).

Given the fundamental nature of, well, fundamentalism, and the fact that it seems to leave you fundamentally cold, you now have to negotiate a new relationship that will take a lot more work than the one you had. If you try to argue your parents into restoring the status quo, they’ll feel you’re trying to de-convert them and will just amp up their efforts to protect your eternal soul.

The sooner you accept that you can’t have your old parents back, the sooner you’ll be able to push the idea of reluctant mutual acceptance…which is what you’re already doing. Be polite, spend time, and try to do things you know everyone likes while refusing to talk religion, then see how it goes. Make it clear that, the better things go, the more time you’re willing to spend with them.

If things still go south, don’t argue, express regret, or talk about how to get closer, which will only circle back to the issue of who should agree to be converted by whom. Instead, just spend less time until it’s clear that certain topics are not open for discussion. If, like many people, you feel guilty when you set limits on your parents, don’t be surprised—it can’t be helped—just don’t let it force you to get defensive or explain yourself.

One thing that can help you talk back to guilt is to write a statement, mainly for your own benefit, that describes your intentions and reasoning. You love your parents and respect their right to make basic decisions about their lives, just as they’ve respected your decisions, whether or not they agreed with them. Now that you have different ideas about religion, respect for your differences is the only thing that can hold your family together and this is best expressed by avoiding talk about religion and particularly criticism of the other person’s religious practices.

Neither you nor your parents are going to have a “come to Jesus” moments—theirs concerning their behavior, yours literally involving Jesus the Christ—so it’s time to come around to the idea that you’ve got to work with your new family dynamic. You don’t have to get saved to save your family.

STATEMENT:
“I miss having a relaxed relationship with my parents and it’s hard not to feel that talking things out would bring us back together, the way it always did before. Now that I recognize that our differences are deep, however, I will learn to shut up about them, tolerate my loss, and build a new relationship, knowing that it will require more work, tact, and restraint.”

I have always found it hard to deal with my college-age son, though he’s really not doing badly. He’s bossy and insensitive, which gets me (and I’m sure lots of other people) irritated instantly. Since I’m his father, this makes me feel both guilty, since I wish I liked him more, and worried about his ability to hold relationships and future jobs. The fact that I really enjoy the company of his older brothers makes me feel guiltier. His mother worries about him too and tells me I’m too negative and should try to help him find things to do that will build his confidence, but that’s hard because he doesn’t listen to me, and I don’t really like hanging out with him. Fortunately, the last couple years haven’t been bad because he’s done well in college and often spends vacations with friends in other cities (like him, they’re very dorky), but I’m worried about what will happen when he graduates this spring and moves back home. My goal is to help him, but I can’t.

One thing you should never take responsibility for is your feelings, particularly when they’re negative (finding your son annoying) and they’re supposed to be positive (not loving your son, per se). If you try and fail to take control of your feelings, you’ll find endless reason to blame yourself and him. In addition, your efforts to change your feelings will bring you closer to someone you don’t like to be with (and who may not want to be around you), thus making your dislike, and guilt, worse.

Instead of trying to like your son, try to do right by him; think of him as a client or student that you’re supposed to provide with services, whether you enjoy his company or not. Then consider what those services should consist of, given your definition of a father’s job description.

From what you say, you’ve done a good job by providing him with a good education, and he has begun to build a network of friends. The fact of your dislike hasn’t caused him to feel terrible or do anything negative, in part because you haven’t been mean to him.

Don’t panic about his dorkiness, because no matter how troubled you and your wife are about his overbearing, unlikeable qualities, he seems to be doing fine with them, finding friends and developing a good work ethic. There’s nothing to stop him from finding a partner and being a good person, even if he sometimes steps on people’s toes.

So stop being mean to yourself and decide for yourself whether a father is obliged to like his son, given the lack of control we all have over our feelings for anyone. Then ask yourself whether it’s easier to be a good father to a child you like, or one you don’t, and give credit where credit is due.

Remind yourself that you believe in being a good father and that, while you’re terribly sad that you haven’t had the same good chemistry with him that you have with his older brothers, you don’t consider the problem your fault or his. You’re proud you’ve treated him properly, regardless of the lack of good chemistry.

You believe his rights in your family are the same as everyone’s and that he will continue to find a warm, comfortable place in it, regardless of whether you and he are ever natural buddies. You do love him, even if you don’t like him, and you’re showing it as best you can.

STATEMENT:
“It’s hard to feel that I have a successful relationship with my youngest son when I really don’t like his personality, but I’ve done a good job raising him and he evidently has confidence and feels at home in the family, whether I like him or not. I’ll continue to do my job, respect myself for keeping my negative feelings to myself, and hope that time and maturity will give us both an opportunity for something better in the future.”