Shitty Limits
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 14, 2013
Whenever someone’s bad behavior forces you to set limits, it’s like slapping a hysterical person in the face; you can’t know in advance whether they’ll thank you or hate you forever. In either case, if you do it only when necessary, nicely, and with respect, you’ll know you’ve done a good service, whether it’s appreciated or not. In the short run, you’ve offered them a target for their resentments about the world and it’ll sting them as much as it stings you, but in the long run, you’ve given them a chance to learn and grow.
–Dr. Lastname
My eighteen-year-old son is very bright and imaginative and, when he’s sweet, I feel we have a special relationship. Periodically, however, he gets frustrated with things and gets very, very nasty with me. He bullies me into doing things for him and I try to be flexible, but then if I don’t do exactly what he wants he throws a big scene and threatens to break the furniture or crash the car. After the last incident, I threw him out of the house and he went to live with his father for a few days. Now I’ve got him back, but I know it’s going to happen again sooner or later and I don’t know how to explain to him that I can’t give him everything he wants without provoking an irrational freak-out.
When you have a kid who throws dangerous freak-outs, don’t make it your top priority to avoid provoking him; a child’s tantrums are a pain to deal with at any age, but trying to permanently tiptoe around a moody teenager is just as futile and damaging as always coddling a cranky toddler. They keep having tantrums while you get progressively more insane.
Of course, you don’t want to give him a hard time, but the behavior/temper problem is his, not yours, and not only will you drive yourself crazy, you’ll fail to give him the kind of help he needs most, which is a clear set of rules that can help him manage the poorly hinged part of his personality. Tantrums may be eternal, but so are time-outs, even if they take a different form.
You have a right to feel frightened for him and even hurt by his anger, but your job as a parent is to put negative feelings aside while trying to create a home environment that helps him control himself. That means talking to him calmly about dangerous freak-outs as facts of life that don’t shock or disgust you and that you’re prepared to help him manage.
Imagine the blow-up you most dread, and, using a friend or counselor, think through the steps you would take to keep your son safe, protect yourself, and provide him with disincentives to explode. If you feel you might have to call the police, drop by and see if the precinct captain first to see if he has suggestions. If you might have to kick your son out, find safe places he could stay and have the addresses ready. Then draw up a set of rules and procedures.
Prepare an announcement that minces no words about his problem while remaining positive and confident in tone. Let him know you think he’s a great kid with anger issues that need better control through firm limits. Then, instead of defending your reasons for setting limits, describe them as a positive tool and show him that you are prepared to address and respond to whatever situation he throws at you. You can’t be sure that firm rules and clear consequences will control his behavior, but you can be sure that they can help you control your own fear and anger and prevent them from making the situation worse.
In the long run, they’re the best way to keep your relationship positive, reduce the risk of harm, and help your relationship survive to a better day. In the short run, learn to stop living in fear of your son’s moods; tantrums may follow him throughout life, but the tantrums themselves are finite, and, with the right tools, easy enough to survive.
STATEMENT:
“I feel like I’d do anything to help my son calm down when he gets crazy-angry, but I know my explanations and soothing don’t head off the trouble and seem to empower his nastiness. I will create a system that helps him manage his behavior and allow me to take action without getting angry or defensive.”
My brother is always a bit stiff and distant, as well as sensitive to criticism, and I found it hard to be positive the other day when he told me he was about to lose his teaching job because of a fight he was having with his department chair. Over the course of a few months, he kept arguing with his boss’ criticism until finally there was a formal meeting and he was told that any further argument would be grounds for dismissal. That made him feel more resentful than ever but at least he did shut up. He also told me he hadn’t been taking whatever medication his psychiatrist had prescribed and that he’d started drinking again. I tried not to be moralistic with him, but I know how hard it is for him to control his mouth and how negative his thoughts were, so I tried to encourage him to find some way to improve his self-control. Well, what he wanted was to give me a blow-by-blow of his fight with the principal, and, after a certain point, I really didn’t want to hear it, so the combination of my not listening and then giving him advice he didn’t want to hear got him very upset, and he told me I was doing him no good and hung up. My goal is to help him if I can, and at least not to make him worse, so I’m wondering what I could have done better.
You had good reasons to stop your brother from complaining and focus him on the over-argumentativeness he needs to control; unfortunately, he couldn’t take advice from you any better than he could from anyone else. In other words, you’ve good reason to think you did nothing wrong, you just couldn’t overcome a huge problem that no one else has solved, so respect yourself for trying and stop second-guessing your actions.
Ask yourself instead whether your brother’s struggle with his boss is the result of an unusually difficult relationship or, as is more likely, an unusually difficult state of mind, which might affect his relationship with many people. Knowing him all your life, you probably know the answer, and if the problem is his state of mind, and it gets worse when he’s off his medications, it is probably a symptom of mental illness. Unfortunately, his drinking prevents treatment from working, even if he took medication, which he won’t. Which makes his psychiatrist just as stumped as you.
Now ask yourself what you think your brother’s biggest problem is. He tells you it’s his boss, not being able to be heard, and the risk of losing his job. You, on the other hand, would probably say it’s his drinking, not taking his meds, and not realizing he’s got at least two serious illnesses, maybe three if you include his pathological sensitivity to criticism.
Rather than responding to his criticism (see above case), write a paragraph of advice, editing out negative feelings, and beginning as always, with positive statements about his abilities and motivation. Then describe his disability in neutral terms, e.g., his mood swings and trouble being diplomatic. After that, advance your own view, which is that he’s got a mental illness that he can’t control because of another illness: drinking. Recommend that he do whatever it takes to get sober and that he should then re-evaluate his medication to see if he needs it, as opposed to dropping it because he doesn’t like it.
At that point, all you can do is wish him well. Don’t feel bound to get your message across; if you’re clear with yourself about what it is, and you know you’ve done your best to make it available to him, you’ve done all you can. Then, if crises occur, which they will, keep your mouth shut and do nothing but point to your statement and raise an eyebrow. If he wants to keep complaining, he can do it elsewhere.
STATEMENT:
“I feel frustrated and guilty by the way my advice to my brother seems to make him worse, but I know my advice is right and his reaction can’t be helped by either him or me. I’ll stand by it, without further argument, in the hope that it will be useful some time in the future and that, meanwhile, he will see that I love him and would like to see him get better.”
