Nudge Match

Posted by fxckfeelings on November 7, 2013

War can teach us many lessons, and if we’ve learned anything from the major wars of our day—namely, the “Storage Wars”—it’s that there’s a time to be pushy and a time to hold back. That’s why, when you feel a strong need to influence others, be it to get them off your back or improve their own behavior, being overly aggressive is just as bad as pussyfooting around. Before you bid or bite your tongue, size up the consequences before you open your mouth, and then go forward only after you’ve done your homework and have good reason—not wishful thinking, a hunch, or a grudge—for believing that doing something pushy will do some good/lead to treasure.
–Dr. Lastname

I wish my husband didn’t try to make everyone in my family get along. My parents are divorced, and neither one of them is a terrific grandparent with our kids—they weren’t terrific parents with me and my sister, so I’m not surprised—and my husband makes a big Problem out of it, which we’re supposed to correct. He drops hints to my parents about how, when they come over, they should play with the kids more, stay longer, and pay more attention to what they say. The result is that my parents drop by less often and get even less connected to our kids, and I get an earful from my husband about what’s wrong with my parents and what can we (he means I) say to them that will make them behave better. My question is, what can I say to my husband to get him to stop.

Sadly, the Miss Piggy approach to relationships—trying to bully someone into the kind of respect and affection you think “moi” deserves—is rarely successful, even for mademoiselle Pig herself.

If your husband were more realistic about the kind of grand-parenting he can expect from his parents, he would, as you suggest, probably leave them alone. Instead, he’s letting his efforts and expectations run hog-wild.

Judging from his lack of success, you could credit him with making a good try but advise him to let himself off the give-the-kids-a-loving-grandparent hook and celebrate the fact that they have good parents and show no signs of suffering from grand-parenting deficiency. Unfortunately, however, your husband can’t let go of his wish for his parents to be better grandparents (and, presumably, parents), so it’s now up to you to define your goal.

So ask yourself what you’d do if your husband were out of the picture and you were in charge of prioritizing time with the grandparents. Some contact is beneficial, even if it isn’t fun, just so the kids know where they come from and that they’re part of the same family. Frequent contact, on the other hand, is unnecessary unless you think it’s doing some good. Using your own criteria, put together your own plan.

Then write a script that both opposes fruitless social experiments and supports your plan. Pay respect to the kind of child-grandparent relationship your husband would like to create and the good efforts he’s made, but express your concern that the tension his efforts are creating are counteracting that goal. Describe your plan as a way of reducing tension and increasing acceptance of his parents as they are.

After sharing your views, avoid further discussion; otherwise, your husband may go back to analyzing the problem. You may not be able to stop him from obsessing about it, but you can stop yourself from doing it with him or making schedule changes that you think are unreasonable.

If you can be the Kermit to his Piggy and lovingly stand up to his will, then you’ll keep peace in your household, and hopefully, your union will last just as long.

STATEMENT:
“I wish I could get my husband to see that he can’t change his parents or make them better grandparents. Assuming I can’t, however, I can nevertheless put together my own playtime-with-grandparents plan and stick to it, as a long as I’m comfortable with stopping further discussion.”

I’m usually pretty agreeable to doing whatever my boss asks me to do—I’m not a guy who has problems with authority—but when I wrote up a report and found my boss lifted large parts of it and claimed it as his own, I was pissed and told him so. I don’t believe in lying down and rolling over when someone shits on you, I just don’t think it’s healthy and I think my boss should know I’m not a pushover. My goal is to let people know in advance that they can’t do that kind of thing to me, so it doesn’t happen again.

You’re not alone in thinking that demonstrating toughness and even touchiness in the face of someone else’s misbehavior is the best way to prevent future conflict. It’s the old Macchiavellian/Palminterian theory of “it’s better to be feared than to be loved.” Ignoring the fact that an office is not a battleground or an organized crime family, there are always lots of people who have an irrational need to dominate and/or fight people who seem ready to take them on, and when they’re the boss, there’s no way you can win.

Indeed, whenever you meet insult with feistiness, you invest in a fight that may sap your energy and divert you from whatever you intended to do in the first place. In that sense, conflict that doesn’t have a strategic goal has all the potential risks and benefits of road rage. Of course, any time you do have a strategic goal, one of them is to avoid all unnecessary conflict. Conflict may be emotionally satisfying, particularly when you’re unfairly treated, but it’s almost always a bad idea.

Assuming your goal is to make a living rather than bring your boss to justice or teach him a lesson about who is not to be messed with, don’t antagonize him while you document what he’s done and see if there’s anyone in the company who cares. If his behavior doesn’t bother anyone, then this is not a company you want to work for and the best thing is to shut up while you look for work elsewhere.

If, on the other hand, there are people in your company who don’t find his behavior acceptable, then take time to gather facts. If you air your anger, colleagues will worry about your lack of professionalism before they have an opportunity to judge your boss’ conduct. If you keep your anger to yourself, you give them that opportunity.

Try to be respected, and to respect yourself, for keeping anger out of your professional relationships while you ask to be judged on facts and values. Don’t try to be feared or loved by those in power who might do you wrong, just keep trying to get paid.

STATEMENT:
“I feel violated by my boss’s disrespect, but I will keep my feelings to myself until I know whether his actions are worth fighting about and, if they are, use facts and truth and not outrage as my weapons.”