Open-Door Fallacy
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 4, 2013
Family isn’t just the gift that keeps giving, but the constant presence that keeps taking, which is why saying “no” and setting boundaries on what they expect you to do is often hard. Sometimes, even when you believe strongly in your need and right to refuse them, guilt makes you agonize and get defensive. Other times, guilt is so strong that you’re sure you’d be wrong to say “no” and can’t even consider the consequences of what will happen if you don’t. In any case, when it comes to saying “no,” don’t wait until you’re angry, stop feeling guilty, or otherwise feel the urge. Instead, look at what happens when you don’t say it and how it affects your major obligations. Then, if you decide it’s necessary, learn how to do it short and sweet, without offering defense or explanation, and give yourself some boundaries, the best gift of them all.
–Dr. Lastname
My unhappy marriage of more than 20 years is soon to end in a divorce driven by me after a long and painful separation. When my husband left I was devastated as I felt abandoned and unable to cope on my own. This resulted in me allowing my husband to set the terms, come and go as he pleased, lie and mess around with my emotions. After two years of this he decided to stay with his girlfriend and asked for a divorce. I agreed but he took no real action. After a lot of therapy and much heartache I have rebuilt my life, found work I like, learned how to cope and have just taken an exciting holiday with my new partner while remaining on amicable terms with my ex. I live in what was the family home with one of my two adult sons and my daughter and her baby are about to move in. I have asked my ex to inform me if he wants to come round but he continues to make arrangements with our adult children at short notice or no notice at all. His girlfriend has taken a job which involves being away for the working week, which frees him up to hang around here when he wishes to spend family time. After years of turmoil I do not want to risk my hard earned independence and growing emotional detachment by getting sucked in once again. I also resent the way he expects to be welcome here when it suits and be unavailable when his demanding girlfriend is around. My goal is to set healthy boundaries for going forward. I wish to protect myself from further chaos without dividing loyalties or giving him underdog status in the eyes of our children.
If you ever thought that your flexibility about your ex-husband’s comings and goings would make him interested in returning to your marriage or, later on, negotiating a marital settlement, you now know better. All it makes it easier for him to do is raid your fridge and unsettle your mind.
He’s continued to do what he’s felt like doing, and you’ve learned how to take care of yourself and go on with your life, which you’ve done very well. Now it’s time to tell him that your life can no longer allow him unlimited access.
Instead of expressing the negative feelings about this issue that tug at your heart, particularly your resentment at his tendency to drop over whenever he’s at loose ends, add up the pros and cons of an open door policy. Leaving the door open has encouraged an amicable relationship and easy contact between him and two of your adult children. On the other hand, his presence stimulates feelings you’ve had enough of, particularly now that you have a new partner who may also not want to hang out with your ex.
If you decide that his spontaneous drop-overs are a bad idea, then don’t assume that telling him will force you to become angry and have an argument; even if he takes offense or accuses you of vengefulness, you can draw a line without anger or defensiveness as long as you believe you have the right to do so.
Be sure you believe you’re doing the right thing, then change the locks. At the same time, write a script for announcing your actions while limiting further conversation on the topic. Let him know that, while you value the amicability of your divorce and the close relationship he has with your kids, you much prefer scheduled visits to impromptu get-togethers, and believe a change in locks will encourage him to call before dropping by. You then thank him for his understanding and make sure he doesn’t get a new key.
Whether you stick to this script or not, be prepared to say the above and nothing more, more being an apology or explanation. As long as you don’t feel obliged to win his approval and/or an argument, you need never raise your voice or continue discussing the topic.
Before he comes over, he has to get an invitation, which he won’t get if he insists on talking about unacceptable topics. You’ve done a great job putting your life back together so far, so let that give you the confidence to take this final step in declaring your independence (and your house/fridge off-limits).
STATEMENT:
“I resent my ex-husband’s spontaneous visits, but I realize I control my house and can make rules without being hostile. Whether my ex-husband feels offended or not is his problem, not mine, as long as I know my rules are legitimate. I will do what I think is right and make it clear I am not open to further discussion.”
My second marriage is falling apart because my new husband is a lot more rigid than I thought he would be. It’s true that there has been some unexpected drama about my ex coming over to my house for visitation, rather than vice versa—his new wife hates her step-daughter, so I allow him to hang out with her here whenever it’s convenient—but my new husband knows I don’t love my ex and the only reason I let him stay with us is because of a situation I can’t control. I understand my husband is probably jealous and I try to be understanding, but he won’t let go of his anger. My goal is to get him to see that he shouldn’t feel threatened and that I love him very much.
On a sentimental level, it may feel that your highest priority is to help your kid see her father and buttress the solidarity of your old family, but that’s not really true because you have two families, not one, and they present you with competing obligations that are both legitimate. It’s hard to balance these obligations and decide how to proceed but, if you don’t consider the new as well as the old, you may well wind up losing another marriage.
Unless he doesn’t notice such things, your husband wants to make a home with you that feels like home. He knew he had to accept a role with your kid and, hopefully, he came to embrace it. He did not, however, sign on to live with your ex- or any other frequent, long-term hanger-outers, unless they happen to be people you both want to spend time with.
Unless you made clear to him, before your marriage, that you control the door of your home and often like to leave it open, you should expect him to object, not just out of jealousy, but because that’s not the kind of home he wants or the kind of family life he expects to lead. Of course, you must reach your own opinion as to how deep his feelings are on this issue and what he’s likely to do about it. I advise you, however, to judge his position not by what you wish it to be, or think it should be, but by what it is.
Such disagreements, by themselves, have been known to sink a marriage even when it doesn’t trigger anger and hurt feelings. What is likely to happen, however, is that your husband takes it personally that you’re not sensitive to his wishes and gets even angrier if you suggest he’s speaking out of jealousy rather than from a legitimate right to stand up for his rights. Then you feel he’s being difficult and immature and your negative reactions to one another drive you both into helplessness and hurt.
Accept the fact that, whether or not you respect your husband’s position, you may have to contend with a series of nasty arguments, at best, if you continue to welcome your ex-husband to unlimited visitations. Then ask yourself whether there are scheduling limits that would allow visitation while also meeting your husband’s request for privacy.
Finally, decide for yourself whether it’s worth your while to impose those limits, knowing they won’t make anyone completely happy but may allow you to balance two contending priorities– your wish for stable visitation versus your new marriage. If you favor the former or the latter, the latter might take itself off the table.
STATEMENT:
“My instinct is to do anything that will bring my daughter and her father together, but I need to figure out the consequences of unlimited visitation on my new marriage, including its impact on her future as well as my own. I will add up all the potential costs and benefits before I make my decision.”
