Family Valued
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 28, 2013
It’s easy to disagree with a stranger—if it wasn’t, we wouldn’t have road rage, Judge Judy or the internet—but it’s both difficult and painful when you find yourself unable to find common ground with someone you love. Whenever you feel pressured by someone you love to do something you hate, whether they’re motivated by destructive needs or idealistic ones, don’t feel obliged to end the pressure by changing their minds. Instead, accept the pain of unbridgeable differences and protect yourself from unnecessary conflict. Then, when you take action, you will have the confidence and optimism of someone who does not have to explain or persuade, even if the person you can’t relate to is a relative.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve always known my father can be a little weird, but he’s generally a decent guy and I know he loves my kids. The trouble is, he’s got it in his head that my wife is an evil person who has serial affairs and doesn’t really care about our kids, and that I can’t see it because she’s got me fooled. Whenever he visits, he gives her dirty looks and takes every opportunity to whisper about how insincere she looks and how badly she manages the kids and, of course, my wife picks up on it, which is what he wants. I can’t impose him on my wife, the tension is not good for the kids, and I can’t get him to see that he’s wrong, because he feels he’s on a mission from God. My goal is to find a way to persuade him to stop so that we can spend time together as a family.
If you’re a parent, you‘ve been told that it’s important that you and your spouse are in agreement and present a united front. In reality, the wish to overcome and erase disagreement, be it between parents or families in general, causes lots more trouble than disagreement itself.
Your father should know by now that, by openly expressing hostility towards your wife, he does nothing but cut himself off from both you and his grandchildren, hurting everyone and reducing whatever positive and protective influence he wants to have. He is cutting off his family to spite his fact-less assertion.
Nevertheless, he can’t stop himself from speaking up, in part because his protective feelings are so strong and in part because he must keep trying to win you over to his point of view. You, too, may be keeping the subject open by trying to win him to your point of view, which includes love, respect and trust for your wife. It’s hard for both of you to be fundamentally at odds with one another, so you both open mouths that would best remain shut.
Instead of trying to talk this out, accept the fact that your father can’t get his suspicions out of his mind and that no amount of investigation, insight or communication, with or without the guidance of a trained professional in human or online form, is going to change how he or you feel.
Then prepare rules that are necessary for visits to your home. Regardless of how he feels, your father is not to show any sign of suspicion or animosity. He doesn’t have to be friendly to your wife, but he must act politely, and neither you nor he should ever bring up the topic of his suspicions.
Announce these rules to your dad without trying to change his mind. Let him know you believe that positive visits are best for everyone. You’ve heard his suspicions and respect his sincerity, but you don’t agree with him and doubt that your mind will ever change, so the only way that visits can occur without damaging your family is if he totally abstains from discussing his beliefs or showing any negative feelings towards your wife in any way, including inappropriate silence or critical facial expression.
He must act in a calm and polite manner that stirs up no anxiety in bystanders, particularly his grandchildren, and if he can’t contain his feelings, you’re sorry, but then he can’t come. If he wishes to come, he should plan on staying for no longer than he believes he can maintain total self-control, which means he should try short stays at first. If your tone is firm and you refuse to be drawn into any discussion of his beliefs, then you’ll give him the best possible opportunity to preserve a good relationship with his grandkids.
You’ll never share an opinion on this topic, but if you can agree to do what’s best for the next generation, you might be able to agree to shared silence.
STATEMENT:
“Having my father hate my wife is as painful for me as it is for him, but I’ve seen from my experience that it can’t be helped. I’ll gavel the topic closed, no matter how much frustration it causes us both, and hope that he can gain the self-control necessary for spending positive time with his grandchildren.”
When my daughter finishes with rehab, I know she will want to come back and live with us and I dread it. The staff have invited me to a family meeting and I know the topic will be how to help her, given that she has no place to go other than back with her druggie boyfriend. The last time she lived with us, she stole from us to get drugs and did nothing to help out or help herself. I want to say no but I’m afraid that something bad will happen to her if she lives on the street and I’ll always feel responsible. My goal is to find a solution I can live with.
It’s part of the disease of addiction for addicts to make everyone else responsible for giving them what they need, and it’s part of a parent’s neurologic wiring to feel it’s your job to do just that. That’s why it’s hard for you as a parent to go against that instinct and do what you really know is best.
Begin by challenging the notion that you’re responsible to keep your daughter safe from harm. You know that her addiction, and the way it has corrupted her character, put her at high risk and, at the same time, make it impossible for you or anyone else to reduce that risk. If that’s the way she is for now, you can’t and shouldn’t make yourself responsible for her safety.
By freeing yourself from an impossible responsibility, you can be more effective at giving her good coaching, relying on whatever small influence you have on someone who is much more influenced by her immediate need for drugs than by her love or respect for you. Prepare to respond when she and her counselor ask you whether, now that she’s sober, you will take her in because she has nowhere else to go.
Don’t vent your anger or anguish by telling her that she can’t come back because she’s a thief. Instead, tell her that you’re proud of her sobriety but that, in your experience, staying with you brings out bad behavior and is a bad idea if she wants to stay sober.
She and her counselor should instead look into finding her a bed in a sober half-way house, because the sooner she is busy at a job, the less tempted she’ll be to hang out with her old friends and start using. She can call you, and you’re rooting for her, you’re just not able to provide her with shelter.
It may hurt her in the short run, but when you refuse to try to protect her, you give her the strength and tools to learn how to protect herself.
STATEMENT:
“I may always feel responsible for the bad things that happen to my addicted daughter, but I know it’s her illness and that I can’t be responsible for what I don’t control. Although I can’t save her, I can urge her to do whatever is best and give her hope in her ability to achieve sobriety and find the strength to be a good person.”
