Hot or Fraught
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 24, 2013
No matter how pretty, thin, and/or rich you are, or how hard this may be to believe if you are none of the above, finding a solid partner always carries a risk of heartache that can make the process of dating feel like a series of debilitating defeats. So instead of expecting that increasing your attractiveness will reduce the pain, toughen up and become more selective, using your experience of rejection and near-misses to improve your skills and dodge the heartbreakers. In the end, believe it or not, you’ll give yourself the match-making, if not the wealth and looks, you deserve.
–Dr. Lastname
I don’t see why I always seem to have the same problems with the guys I fall in love with. I’ve got a job I like in sales—I wouldn’t be good at it if I wasn’t reasonably self-confident and attractive—and I’m comfortable with my identity as a gay guy who would like a real relationship. The problem isn’t in meeting men, because I don’t have a lot of trouble attracting very nice, good-looking men who are really interested in me, and I fall for them. Then, after about three months, they seem to change their minds and pull back, and I’m left wondering what I did wrong. Which is why I’m writing you.
Being good-looking and attractive always feels like a gift, and it’s hard to convince the average-looking it has any real drawbacks beyond getting too many compliments and having a hard time finding clothes that aren’t flattering.
You’re attractive enough to elicit positive responses from attractive guys, which feels like they really, really like you, but they’re responding to your attractiveness, not to you. Unfortunately, being beautiful imposes real, ugly burdens, and this looks like one of them.
The real getting-to-know-you process requires at least three months, and that’s when reality sets in and the adoration stops. If you were uglier, meaner, or just stinkier, you wouldn’t have this problem. As it is, however, you need to ignore the intoxicating, good vibrations of being admired and wanted and instead improve your screening procedures.
From what you say, you’re good at screening out people who aren’t nice, but you need to be more careful to screen in people who are steady in their attachments, and don’t get too close too fast. Research their prior relationships, and give them extra points for going slow. Ignore the pleasures of falling in love, rein in your trust and commitment, and give the two of you a chance to see what each of you is like when you’re not so attractive, like when you’re traveling together, bickering over doing dishes, or suffering from a bad cold and leaking from your face.
It’s good that you’re not in love with love and instead want a relationship that can last, because that means you don’t need to change your goals, just improve your methods. You’re not looking for mutual attraction only, but for someone who is really a good match.
Unless you’re willing to get plastic surgery to correct your appearance, you must practice patience and learn how to let experience and research tell you whether the match that feels exciting also contains a core of friendship, steadiness, and compatibility. If you can use those techniques to find someone who loves you beyond your looks, you’ll have a beautiful life together.
STATEMENT:
“I feel like I ultimately disappoint all my lovers, but I know there’s nothing wrong with what I have to offer and that good matches are hard to find. I will do more research and test our compatibility under challenging circumstances before letting a feel-good relationship flower into romance.”
I was in a bad car accident when I was in grade school, and it left me with some facial deformities…I’m not hideously deformed, but my face does look a little off, like I’ve had a lot of bad plastic surgery (which I basically have, but only because a truck hit my mother’s car). Because of that, I’ve always had trouble meeting guys. High school was obviously terrible, and while I did have a nice boyfriend in college, it helped that we were stuck in the same dorm and in a lot of the same classes and really got to know each other. Since breaking up/graduating five years ago, I’ve been kind of stuck, because it’s just not my nature to put myself “out there,” because I can tell when I’m talking to someone and they’re staring at my face, and I don’t want to deal with their rejection. At the same time, I can’t tell whether guys are always uninterested because I’m always defensively so uninterested, or if they just think I’m ugly. So my goal is to figure out how to let guys know I’m interested without getting hurt all the time.
High school and a facial deformity obviously haven’t stopped you from taking meaningful risks and finding a nice relationship so you’ve proven that you can do it. You don’t want to deal with rejection, but no one does, so the only question you’ve left for yourself is the same one most people wind up asking, even those who are very attractive (see above); how do you screen out the many people who won’t be good matches without getting over-attached and thus drained by feelings of rejection. After all, everyone has a lot of rejecting to do and also to endure, so the goal is to create boundaries that reduce the pain and make the process less personal.
Find ways to interact that don’t involve dating. If college taught you one thing, it’s that closeness to the right person generates its own powerful attraction. Use work or common interests to get close while keeping your needs and feelings under wraps. If the right chemistry exists, it will do your work for you. Otherwise, keep moving.
One time-honored technique is to find work-settings and hobbies that expose you to the kind of person you want to meet and allow you to work closely together, without anyone being pressured to make a move. Of course, you need to remind yourself regularly that you’re just passing through, not making a new home, so if the hunting isn’t good in this part of the forest, move on.
A good dating coach (professional or semi-pro) can help you use the internet to gain wider exposure and find compatible common-interest groups. It never hurts to craft a good statement of your strengths, interests and values, even if it doesn’t scare up business on the usual dating sites. Remember, if you don’t get a response, don’t feel rejected; when the hunter can’t find game, she doesn’t feel hurt, she just picks up her tent and looks for prey elsewhere.
Like any hunter, focus on how you hunt, not on what you catch. Yes, you’re hunting because you’re hungry, but thinking about your needs will do nothing but get in the way. Be patient, learn from your mistakes, and never give up. That’s the only way to feel that you’re doing your best for yourself, which is a much more important goal than avoiding rejection, which is a reality for everyone, no matter what they (or their face) have been through.
STATEMENT:
“I hate feeling that people see me as ugly, but I know I’ve got something good to offer that is much more important than looks and that can attract the right person under the right circumstances. I will find a way to create that opportunity, regardless of how people respond to my looks or how that makes me feel.”
