The Heisenberg Maneuver

Posted by fxckfeelings on October 14, 2013

In relationships, play-off series, and Breaking Bad (RIP), chemistry is as necessary as it is intangible, but it’s often as hard to gauge as it is to create. Just as you can like someone without a spark to be had, you can frequently be mad at your partner and not have it affect your basic chemistry one bit. Before deciding whether to reach out or pack up, ask yourself whether a relationship has the potential to meet your basic requirements, and if it does, try to negotiate behavioral change in a positive way. Whether it works or not, you’ll feel you did your best without screwing up your message with disappointment, hurt, or heavy losses on the field or at a meth lab.
–Dr. Lastname

When you find someone you like, the chemistry is there, you have the same values, you get along, then the problem arises when one person thinks the other one doesn’t really like them that much because they start to pull back for one reason or another. Then insecurities start to play a big part and you end up arguing over the fact that someone doesn’t want to see you as much, for whatever reason they have given. How do you then work out what’s real, the truth, whether you like each other enough or whether you’re feeling like this because it’s not actually right, not because of the excuses someone has given for not wanting to see you?

We firmly believe in the old adage that love is blind, which, in modern terms, means it can make most people a little Aspergery and blind to social cues. We call it “a touch of the ‘tism,” and it can make you particularly vulnerable during the courting process.

For example, when someone backs away after the two of you seem to have hit it off, it usually means that the other person doesn’t know how much you like him/her or doesn’t realize how much you have to offer, due to a little ’tism of his/her own.

On the other hand, it could indicate some ’tism on your own part. After all, there’s a risk to reaching out that goes beyond a fear of rejection and comes from the fact that people often draw back for good reason.

They may be uncommitted, unready or uneasy about what the getting-to-know-you stage has revealed. If you pursue and persuade them, and half-succeed by preserving a not-so-hot relationship, you’ll waste your time and cause yourself more serious heartbreak in the long run.

Unless you’ve got terrific instincts about who’s good—in particular a good match for you, which is a rare quality, indeed—keep your distance until you know more about this person of interest. You need to know whether they’re really solid, consistent, and available for the kind of relationship you want.

On the other hand, if you’re confident about the good things that could result from your match-up, don’t talk while you’re feeling hurt, angry, or tempted to analyze what’s wrong with the other person’s behavior; expressing need may be honest, but doesn’t exactly communicate strength. Instead, give yourself time to recover, and then write down reasons for thinking a closer relationship would be good for them. For your own peace of mind, list the qualities you bring to a relationship, particularly ones that would complement the other person’s needs, and the good things you could do as a couple that can’t be done solo.

Then discuss your findings with your hesitant suitor. Begin with a positive lead-in about your feelings of admiration and optimism, as well as your worry about not having done a good job of presenting the good things that you have to offer. Then hit your bullet points, making it clear there’s no pressure or guilt. You don’t want a relationship with anyone who doesn’t feel, equally, that they want a relationship with you.

As long as you stay positive, there’s nothing to stop you from continuing your pursuit by dropping periodic reminders about your availability, interest, and optimism. You may not make things happen, but you’ll know that neediness and insecurity haven’t stopped you from putting your best foot forward, assuming you’re sure a touch of the ’tism hasn’t lead you to pursue someone who’s entirely a bad match.

STATEMENT:
“I wish I could make this relationship work, but I don’t want to get emotionally attached to something I can’t have. If I think this relationship is worth pursuing, I’ll give it a good sell without getting too personal. That way I’ll keep the door open without preventing myself from looking elsewhere.”

My husband and I got along well for the first few years of our marriage but now I find myself angry at him almost all the time. He’s a good guy, but when his ex-wife asks him to take the kids for a weekend, he always jumps at the chance without respecting the fact that we made plans and now they’re not going to happen. He says I don’t like his kids and it’s true (they’re teenagers who clearly aren’t too fond of me right now), but I accept them and I’m nice to them. What I really don’t like is the way anything they or his ex-wife want always comes first. My goal is to figure out how I made such a big mistake in marrying him.

The one thing that’s hardest to check out, as you start a relationship with a really nice guy, is whether he’s too nice, which can be a killer. You know he loves his kids, makes a good living, loves you, and basically seems to possess none of the bad characteristics that most of us have learned, from bitter experience, doom relationships. Now you’re afraid you’ve discovered a whole new bad characteristic, disguised as a positive one.

The trouble with your husband’s nice guy over-responsiveness is that it puts you last among his responsibilities unless you act needier than his ex-wife and kids, which is not a healthy way to be. If you criticize him, you may drive him away and you won’t like yourself for being in competition with his kids. It’s a nasty vicious circle that can make your relationship seem as flawed as his first.

While it’s impossible to change character, however, it is sometimes possible to change behavior. Given the fact that you and your husband get along well when there aren’t any complications, you may be able to restore your relationship by setting up reasonable rules for him to prioritize his time and using incentives other than anger to move him in the right direction. Your husband probably can’t set up his own rules, not because he doesn’t love you, but because he can’t. If you can put aside your anger and impose a set of your own, however, he may be willing to sign on.

Make him a schedule that allocates time for his work, kids, and other activities, plus, of course, your time together. Present it to him without any anger or negativity, explaining how pleased you are with your relationship, except that his kindness sometimes makes him forget his own priorities when the people he loves make demands on him. That’s why you’ve made him this schedule.

He’s free to make changes to it, but if he wants to make a change in your time together, he has to do it with you, in advance, so that, in future, when others ask him to change his plans in a way that would affect your scheduled time, he can’t agree until you have a chance to talk. If he changes plans on his own, you’ll keep track, along with the amount of time it affects.

Just because you’re always angry at your husband doesn’t mean that your relationship is doomed. His over-commitment to his ex-wife and kids isn’t going anywhere, but with the right approach to time management, your marriage may stick around as well.

STATEMENT:
“I hate competing with my husband’s kids and ex-wife for his attention and feeling angry all the time. I know, however, that he loves me and I will try to find a positive way to impose boundaries on our time together.”