Cents Negotiations

Posted by fxckfeelings on October 7, 2013

There’s a certain art to negotiation, especially when the discussion involves money; go too hardline, with a patronizing tone or, say, a shutdown government, or too soft, hesitating to stand up for your own financial needs, and you’re not going to make any headway. Worse, you could get incredibly angry, and money rage can be just as dangerous and useless as road rage, except with road rage, you still usually get somewhere. Better to avoid arguments about non-payments, regardless of how unfair or harmful they are, and if good advice and sweet reason don’t work, do what’s necessary to protect yourself while bringing conversation to a firm stop. If you can’t stop yourself from losing it over money, the only thing to shutdown is the conversation, then learn and move forward.
–Dr. Lastname

My daughter is supposed to be a grown-up—she graduated from college but now she’s living back home—and the other day I realized she hasn’t opened a credit card bill in three months. I said something to her, and she still did nothing, and then I was really worried about the mounting interest payments and her credit rating, so I told her I didn’t understand what she was doing and why she was being so irresponsible. She started crying and accused me of being mean and picking a fight, and then my husband asked me why I was attacking her. My goal is to stop this fighting and get my daughter to live up to her responsibilities.

You can’t help being worried, as a parent, when your daughter’s avoidant behaviors no longer just possibly result in suspensions or a visit from the principal, but in fines, a ruined credit rating, and worst of all, frequent collection agency calls. Adult problems, however, deserve adult talks, and a verbal spanking does not qualify; berating her for failed responsibilities usually doesn’t work.

The reason why is that, while she knows you’re right, she doesn’t know why she did it, and her helplessness will make her even more avoidant—of you, your advice, and the next batch of credit statements.

Instead of letting your frustration show, ask yourself whether she’s had a problem with avoidance in the past, and whether it happens only when she wishes to duck a specific problem or whether it applies to many mildly bothersome chores she just doesn’t want to think about, much the way many people put off sorting through clutter. Remember, there are some responsible executives who do a good job managing large sums of money and then come home and can’t bear to open their bills. It’s hard to explain, and it’s a weakness, but it doesn’t necessarily reflect a character defect.

Because you might be prone to inappropriate verbal improvisations, write a paragraph addressing her problem without implying that she’s childish, stupid, or dishonest. After saying something positive about her accomplishment as a college graduate, define her problem as a difficult, embarrassing, potentially costly habit that just gets worse if you can’t talk about it. Your optimistic opinion is that she can gain control if she works at it, but only if she can admit that it happens and looks for ways of managing it, rather than trying to hide it. Offer your help as a coach and problem-solver, even if it’s just to help her find a professional therapist.

Edit your letter to remove anger, criticism, pessimism, or frustration. Then share your thoughts, first with your husband, and then with your daughter. If she becomes argumentative, don’t argue and don’t condemn her for being even more avoidant. Instead, reiterate what you’ve observed and stand by what you think she should do.

Don’t make yourself responsible for getting through to her. Instead, be prepared to protect yourself from worst-case scenarios, so you won’t get panicked if her bills continue to pile up and she still doesn’t respond. Avoid letting her pain become yours by trying to turn it into motivation for growth; you’ll have your opportunity when she realizes that what counts is not her embarrassment or your opinion, but the impact of avoidance on her finances and the fact that her parents have no wish to criticize, only to help.

Be positive, like a parent, but distant, like an adult. And if she still doesn’t listen, use ear-plugs when the phone starts to ring off the hook right when you sit down for dinner.

STATEMENT:
“It’s hard to see my daughter getting herself into needless trouble because she can’t make herself open her mail, but I know she knows the consequences and just can’t control a bad habit. I’ll continue to talk about the problem in a friendly, matter-of-fact way, assuming that she’d really like to control it if she could get beyond her shame and fear.”

As a wedding-planner, I’m careful to spell out my fees in a contract my clients sign before we start doing business, and my terms are standard for the industry. Every now and then, however, I get someone who wants the perfect wedding, doesn’t want to hear about how much it will cost and then, when the bills start to come in, tells me I’m charging too much. I show them the contract, answer their questions, explain what I do for the money, and they just keep arguing while they don’t pay up. This recent client held back her payments while insisting she heard me make promises or commitments that I’m certain I didn’t, because her friend got the same thing for half the cost, or because her cousin in the floral industry could have gotten her a better discount, whatever, she just won’t listen, and, most importantly, won’t pay. She’s the worst I’ve ever dealt with, and my goal is to prevent this kind of thing from happening, or come up with an argument that would get her to see she’s getting good value for her money so I don’t have to deal with a bridezilla ever again.

As long as you’re a wedding-planner, you’ll never be able to avoid bridezillas or control them completely by giving them contracts and verbal cautions. Assuming you like what you’re doing and a pay-it-all-in-advance contract won’t work, the question isn’t how to avoid bridezillas, but rather how to get rid of them quickly if and when they prove impossible.

You’ve already taken the first step by spelling out responsibilities, yours and theirs, in a written contract (which, of course, they’ll ignore). The second step is to specify payment deadlines, bill promptly and frequently, and follow up quickly when a bill is overdue. That way you’ll have less money to lose when it’s clear the bride won’t pay until you make her happy.

After hearing her complaints (allow no more than 15 minutes), prepare a paragraph that contains your response, so as to avoid emotion-driven improvisations which, unlike the parent above, are likely to be overly defensive and conciliatory. Begin with something positive about the pleasure of working with her before letting her know you’ve heard her complaints and reminding her that these issues were covered under your agreement, she’s received good value, and your payment expectations are reasonable and industry-standard. You hope she will pay her balance right away.

If, after asking other wedding planners, she doesn’t believe this is true, you think it’s better to fire yourself, because it’s not good for her to work with a planner whose billing practices she doesn’t trust. The amount of time it takes to scrutinize each item and discuss it interferes with the work and, in your experience, is no good for either party.

Edit out anger, explanations, or an apparent desire to retain her business at any cost. Then deliver your message, in person or in writing, and refuse to discuss the matter further. Your bottom line with bridezillas has to be: pay up and we continue, or shut up and move on, ’til debt do you part.

STATEMENT:
“I hate to hear criticism of my product and charges, but, in most cases, I know that offering explanations and trying to win back my client’s trust is useless and debilitating. I’ll always treat complaints respectfully, but if a client doesn’t respect our contract, I’ll be prepared to end our relationship with the least amount of damage to myself.”