Sensitive Kin

Posted by fxckfeelings on September 30, 2013

Sometimes being overly-sensitive makes it hard to be centered and confident, and sometimes being insensitive makes it easy to be a brash, heartless jerk. If you happen to have the gift of sensitivity, don’t try to change yourself because it doesn’t bring you peace or happiness, or if you care about someone who doesn’t care about being careless, don’t try to change them into someone who does. Instead, work hard to consult your own values and learn how to manage a gift that often comes with a painful cost. Sadly, being good often makes you feel bad.
–Dr. Lastname

My brother never doubts himself and always thinks he’s right, even when he isn’t, and doesn’t care much if people are angry with him—usually, he doesn’t notice. That make him sound like a jerk, but really, I envy him, because I’m always quick to apologize, even when I haven’t done anything wrong, because I doubt myself. I also obsess about whether somebody hates me, and what I’ve done to deserve it, because I can’t shake the feeling that everything bad that happens is my fault. My goal is to figure out how to have his kind of confidence.

Watch out what you wish for, given that you see that your brother’s comfort with himself results from an insensitivity to the feelings of others, which is a major symptom of being a minor schmuck.

Yes, it would be nice if you suffered less from second-guessing, but self-doubt also makes you more tuned in to relationships, so you’re better able to judge and correct yourself if you do something wrong. If your brother doesn’t notice when people around him are mad, he’s also probably oblivious to the fact that he may have done something wrong (and it reads as schmuckish).

Instead of wishing for moral blindness as an antidote to self-doubt, develop a method for doing reasonably accurate self-assessments. Before trying to make self-doubt go away by getting reassurance or apologizing, ask yourself what you’re accusing yourself of doing and whether you’d consider it bad or mistaken if a friend were to do it to you. Ask for the opinion of a friend—but again, not to seek reassurance, but to check whether, in his or her judgment, you failed to meet your standards for being a good-enough person.

The most likely frequent outcome is that you will discover no reason for guilt or apology, so your job then is to stand up for yourself against the internal voices of doubt and fear. Don’t compromise in order to make them stop torturing you, just tell them you know what you know, you’re not going to listen, and you’re not going to disparage yourself when you don’t deserve it.

Then, when they tell you that you should have your brother’s confidence, tell them that it’s not important; as long as you’re reasonably good at doing the right thing, you don’t mind feelings of insecurity, you’re even proud of them.

In any case, you’re OK with the person you are, who, sensitive as s/he might be, is still no schmuck.

STATEMENT:
“Self-doubt makes me wonder why I’m not as calm and happy as others, but I know it’s nothing but a feeling and it’s more important that I live up to my values, regardless of the second-guessing I can’t stop doing.”

I’m worried about my sister. She and her husband decided to separate after almost 20 years together, and at first, it seemed like an amicable decision. Then he made one request in the settlement that she felt was out of bounds and hurtful, and she went after him with everything she’s got. Before long, they were accusing one another of all kinds of bad things, and now I’m really worried she’s plunged into an expensive court battle that is going to wind up costing her her savings, as well as possibly her kids’ savings for college, not to mention her relationship with them, since they’ve understandably sided with their dad. When I ask her how the fight could possibly be worth the legal costs and broken relationships, she says she just wants the record to show that her husband was unreasonable and made a serious mistake. It’s weird, I’m more upset about her losing her kids’ love than she is. My goal is to protect her from losses she can’t undo.

It’s sad to watch someone you love destroy her relationship with her kids, but perhaps the reason you can’t protect your sister from herself is, as you say, because she doesn’t feel the pain all that much. Scratch the surface, and her need to be right may be stronger than anything else. You’re not saying that she’s overwhelmed with anger or grief, but that there’s just nothing more important to her than stopping her ex from having the last, unfair, inaccurate word, even if their kids never talk to her again.

Try to recall the issues that have drawn her into conflict in the past and ask yourself whether she’s ever put preserving a relationship ahead of a rigid sense of right and wrong. If she hasn’t, then the problem you’re up against is not just a reaction to her feelings about divorce, but also an expression of her character and the way she perceives the world.

If it’s true that the rift between her and her kids may hurt you (and them) more than it hurts her, you can’t change her and there’s no point in trying. What you may be able to do, however, is help the kids understand her actions and take them less personally.

If the kids want to talk to you, give them a positive perspective on their mother’s negative actions. Without blaming or defending her, let them know you think her mind works in a funny way that can’t be helped and that’s been true all her life. Tell them a story about a time you observed her dig in her heels over an issue that could do nothing but cause her great harm. Make it clear that you don’t see her as selfish or uncaring, but as over-obsessed to the point that she can’t see what’s good for her or bad for those she loves.

Whether or not her children need to hear your views, accepting her weakness relieves you of responsibility for protecting her. You can’t protect her, but you can do your part to preserve whatever family relationships survive.

STATEMENT:
“I hate watching my sister pursue a legal fight that is destroying her relationship with her kids, but I know she can’t help her weaknesses, one of which prevents her from listening to me. Since I can’t help her, I’ll try to keep my own relationship with her family and promote acceptance instead of hurt and enmity.”