Hi, Infidelity

Posted by fxckfeelings on September 26, 2013

Sometimes it’s as hard to save a marriage from the false suspicion of infidelity as it is to save it from infidelity itself. That’s because people respond to marital hurt by trying to prove their love, which, after all, is what started the whole thing going, makes the world go round and supports the diamond and edible underpants industries. Unfortunately, you often can’t manufacture romance in an old marriage, even with jewels, Viagra, and clothes that double as meals, so rating your relationships by their emotional flame is a good way to generate additional marital doubt, conflict, and defeat. So, when expressions of love are not enough, try rating your marriage as a functioning partnership and source of acceptance. Then, when your romantically-deprived or -injured side goes looking for drama, you’ll know the real value of what you’ve got, and have nothing to fear.
–Dr. Lastname

I’ve never had an affair before, but after 20 years of marriage and an only child in college, I started to feel like my life was over, and I needed an adventure. The problem is that I love my husband, who is a good guy and a terrific father, and when he found my email messages to the guy I had a (fairly regrettable) one night stand with, it broke his heart. Now he’s depressed and goes back and forth between wanting to be with me and asking me what it was like to be sleeping with someone else. I’ve told him I love him, and I really do, but he can’t seem to get over it and, even though I’m the guilty party, I lose patience and feel even worse. My goal is to get him to see I love him, because I really don’t want to lose my marriage.

As the old saying goes, everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die, and that’s especially true for most people who consider infidelity; everybody wants excitement, but nobody wants to kill their marriage.

Now that you’ve discovered that love alone won’t undo the hurt and stop him from agonizing for some time to come, it’s a good time to consider why he, and you, should stay married, apart from the sincerity of your feelings, given the fact that, at least for a moment, you’re capable of fucking up.

In other words, now that you’ve attempted to murder your marriage, is it worth saving or just pulling the plug.

You’ve got good reasons for staying together–many happy years of partnership, effective parenting, and security-building—so you now realize, and hope he does, you’ve got a lot to lose from splitting up. The other side of that equation, however, is that there’s some powerful, irrational idiot sitting inside your head, waiting for the next opportunity to slake your lust for adventure, who doesn’t care half as much about what you could lose, as opposed to the jollies you could gain.

Right now, your distress may suppress or even satisfy that need, but sooner or later, it’ll be back, and no protestation of remorse can change that fact. The question is, are you ready to recognize your inner idiot and prepare for her return.

Spend time with a coach or therapist answering the question you originally asked yourself, whether your life is really over and this all there is. Weigh the advantages of sticking with your current partnership against tolerating restlessness, boredom, and aging. Give yourself the freedom to weigh your options and find new motivation to do what you think is best.

Then, if you decide marriage is more meaningful than adventure, prepare yourself for living with impulses that will sometimes spell trouble. Avoid situations that trigger them and develop a procedure for dealing with risky situations if they’re unavoidable, like business trips with sexy colleagues and after-hours bar-time.

Finally, let your husband know that you’re not just sincerely sorry, you also believe in the value of your marriage and take full responsibility for owning up to, and managing, a personal weakness that has nothing to do with him or your love. You’re willing to talk about your plans for keeping that weakness in check and postponing your trip to a glorious afterlife in favor of marriage’s meaningful purgatory.

STATEMENT:
“I wish my apologies could stop my husband’s pain, but I can’t expect them to. Rather than struggle to apologize harder, I will focus on managing my inner drama glutton and asking my husband to respect my values, including my determination to do better to live up to them.”

I like being married, although my wife is somewhat critical, and I’ve always had to be careful to walk on egg-shells. Ever since my wife saw me drunkenly hugging a female co-worker at a company barbecue last year, however, she can’t stop accusing me of having an affair. I’m sorry I upset her, but I didn’t do anything wrong, and I’ve never had an urge to cheat, I just drank too much on an empty stomach and became a sloppy mess. I’ve told her I love her, but I can’t seem to prove it or get rid of her suspicions, and she seems serious about divorce. Her family has spoken up for me and it makes no difference. My goal is to figure out what to do before she ends our marriage over something stupid.

People who are very good at placating their spouses and avoiding conflict should ask themselves whether they’ve forgotten their own priorities; everyone likes peace in a marriage, but there’s a vast difference between giving peace a chance and giving up everything important to you, including your values and self-respect, to make peace possible and keep your marriage alive.

Remind yourself what you expect from a partner, other than not to be too angry at you. You didn’t mention whether you expect her to work or save as much as you, to help you raise children, or to accept you as much as you accept her. Without such expectations, you allow yourself to be controlled and possibly punished by another human being, a state which is usually not ideal for either party (or your kids, if you have any).

Peace without conditions may or may not feel good, but it’s not good for you or anyone else, not even her, since she’s never not upset. So review your standards, looking not for perfection but good-enough breathing room, and then grade your marriage. In your case, you’re clear that your wife’s criticism is undeserved and destructive, but you’ve nevertheless obliged yourself to endure it, offer explanations, and worry about divorce. In ignoring your own priorities and making yourself responsible for her feelings, you’re being crueler to yourself than she could ever be.

Instead, ask yourself whether there’s any good reason to placate her further, other than you own strong feelings of anxiety and responsibility. Then figure out how to spend your time happily and productively if she doesn’t stop her attacks.

Write yourself a positive letter of independence that stands up for what you deserve without putting her down. Let her know you care about her complaints, you’ve analyzed your actions, and you believe you’re a good husband. Then, offer no further defense. You’re sorry she feels the way she does but her attacks are no good for either one of you, and you won’t listen to them any more. You hope she’ll join you in sharing positive things; otherwise, you’ll do them alone or with your friends.

If she decides to leave, that’s what she should do, but as long as she doesn’t, she should put aside her suspicions and worries and start living a positive life with you. Either way, being strong enough to stick to your values should give you some peace of mind.

STATEMENT:
“I can’t believe my wife can make unfair accusations about me and then not listen to the truth when it seems obvious that the truth would make her feel better. I will accept, however, that I can’t ease her suspicions and it’s my job to protect myself from being worn down. I will build my life and invite her to join me, while making it clear that there is no room in our relationship for more jealousy, mistrust, accusation, or defense.”