The Ties That Grind

Posted by fxckfeelings on September 23, 2013

Usually, we hear about the kind of Assholes™ that provoke deep fear and hatred, but, for reasons unknown, they often bind others to them with equally intense love. What can free you from this bond(age), over time, is not your ability to get even, get closure, or get your feelings out, but to keep yourself moving towards what you think is right until you finally have a life that is open to good people. As we always say, when there’s an Asshole™ in your life, expect a world of shit—but not one you have to live in forever.
–Dr. Lastname

I had been married for almost thirty years and over two years ago divorced my husband. The marriage had been physically and emotionally abusive. I have never been able to talk to my husband about the way I feel because I never knew what reaction I would get. All major decisions were made by him because he knew what was best. Early on in our marriage we bought a house but were evicted because of non-payment of mortgage. I had no idea what was going on but suspected that we were in financial trouble. It seems my husband wanted a particular lifestyle but didn’t have the money to sustain it. I work full-time and I felt I was playing a part in funding said new lifestyle. I watched him isolate me from this aspect of his life. There were many times I came home from work and barely a word was spoken between us. I resented it hugely and still do. We continued plodding along and every day we both grew unhappier. After a while I found out he was seeing another woman– he insisted they were friends, but he had to leave the marital home anyway because we were fighting and he was forced to leave by the police. Since the divorce there has been sporadic contact, more so this past year. On occasion I have gone out for a drink with him, but I cannot understand why I do this. Quite recently we went for a trip together, but when we got back he didn’t contact me for a month. I have a lot of anger and resentment towards him. How do I stop this destructive behavior? I hate to hurt people and I’m always trying to please others before myself. I don’t want to hurt my ex-husband, but I feel I can’t say no to him and I do actually feel sorry for him. I don’t love him because he has been an out and out pig towards me. I feel incredibly hurt by his behavior towards me. I am so confused.

Sadly, according to the laws of emotional gravity, some people with little self-regard are like satellites that can be trapped by a more emotionally massive person. Regardless of how badly or unfairly they’re treated or how angry they feel, they can’t imagine disagreeing confidently or walking away and out of their pull.

Like children with abusive parents (which many of them were), they don’t feel they have the authority or power to judge, declare their independence, or leave. The intense need of a child for a parent keeps them enslaved, angry, and bound.

Your feelings, however, are not your reality. You’ve taken important steps towards freedom by behaving well yourself despite your ex-husband’s bad behavior. You haven’t retaliated by hurting him or yourself or doing anything to be ashamed of. The next step is to stop yourself from speculating about why he is who he is or treated you this way.

To think too much about him is to put him ahead of your own judgment, and diminishes your authority over yourself. Instead, conduct your own review of what you require in a husband and what he did that met the job description or fell short. After all, if you don’t impose your standards on relationships, you leave yourself unprotected and exposed to every asshole who comes along. He isn’t the parent who is supposed to protect you; you are, whether you feel like it or not, so this is all about you and doing your job. You need a protector, and you’re the only one who can do it.

Take it as a fact that he was attached to you, but that’s irrelevant; you expect a guy to do his share, be honest, and make sacrifices for the things you value. He took your share and spent it on himself, and failed to meet reasonable expectations. You’ve made several good steps to protect yourself, starting with divorce. Now it’s time to ask yourself whether social contact with him is good for you.

Your feelings will continue to pull you back to him. Your thoughts will center on your anger for him, pity for him, confusion about him, guilt about hurting him, him, him. Do the math on whether a relationship with your ex is worth it, and if not, then communicate with him if you wish, but keep a safe emotional distance that won’t let you be dragged back into his orbit.

STATEMENT:
“I’m haunted by all my usual feelings for my husband, even though I seldom see him. I know I did right by him, however, and that I’m better now at knowing who will treat me right. I will not let myself talk about him or hang out with him if it distracts me from who I am, what I think, and getting my emotional needs met elsewhere.”

My father was a vicious drunk and he’d often beat up my brother and me when we were kids. Next day, he’d act nice enough, like nothing had happened, but he didn’t really make an effort to get sober until recently, when his doctor told him his liver was shot and he didn’t have long to live. I haven’t talked to him or seen him in 10 years, but my mother says he wants to see me and that I should forgive him. Now I think seeing him again will just stir up the old rage. What should I do?

When you’re beaten as a kid it’s not just trauma, but punishment from the guy who’s supposed to be your sheriff, judge, and keeper, and on whom you’re physically and economically dependent. It’s not just a feeling of total powerlessness, but a powerlessness that puts all the power on him. So it’s no wonder that you wanted to get and stay away and that it’s now important to judge the judge whose crimes went unpunished.

As an adult, however, you’re no longer helpless, and your power comes, not from defeating or defying your father, but from living up to your own values. Knowing he was a mean drunk means he has no moral authority over you or anyone else; you free yourself by respecting what you stand for, not by remembering or punishing his crimes.

Regardless of your painful memories, do whatever you think is right. Assuming he can’t help being a shit-head, be kind because that’s what makes you strong. Don’t try to get through to him with your sorrow or anger, because he can’t respond and your frustrated needs would enhance his importance and send you down the spiral again. Instead, keep your childhood-driven needs to yourself while you toss him a little love and get out fast.

No, it’s not meaningful to forgive him, any more than it’s meaningful to forgive a rock that fell on your car. What’s meaningful is respecting your own values while not allowing your old, childhood needs to give an Asshole™ father a power he no longer has guaranteed access to.

Don’t forgive or forget; instead, exercise your own power by doing what you believe is right, rather than by allowing it to be defined by your feelings for him, the past, or anything else. You were powerless then, but you have all the power in the world now to do what’s right according to you.

STATEMENT:
“I can’t think of my father without feeling helpless rage. I know, however, that I have control over my own anger and I don’t punish the helpless, and that’s my strength and pride. I will keep my needs for justice and self-expression to myself while I treat him according to my standards, not his.”