Couples, Retreat!

Posted by fxckfeelings on September 12, 2013

When anger is persistent in a relationship, it’s often impossible to clear the air and end hostilities, no matter how strong either party’s diplomatic skills are. Trying to air underlying grievances often makes them worse, so without heavy artillery or the help of the UN, your best bet is either to retreat, or, if you’re entrenched in the region, learn to live with anger while you decide, using your own standards, whether the benefits of a relationship are worth the pain. As long as you behave decently yourself, you have no reason or right to question your own value or waste time wondering what you did wrong. You do have every right, however, to go about your business and not let unfriendly fire lead to another endless war.
–Dr. Lastname

My wife and I are in our 50s and have two grown daughters that live with us in the suburbs. She drinks off and on and suffers from all the insidious side effects of alcoholism, as does our family. How can l give my wife the space she wants but “be there” too? She also suffers from PMDD and has been arrested and held for observation for reckless inappropriate behavior. She has caused physical injury to myself and her daughters. I’ve journaled on a calendar for the last two years, just good days or bad and two distinct cycles of behavior have emerged, one on a 28 day cycle that she’s aware of (still an asshole though), and the other on a 200 day cycle that’s horrendous and can last as long as 50 days or so. She doesn’t appear to have even the slightest awareness of how grossly inappropriate her bad temper and consequent actions are. Her need to punish and hurt, me in particular, is just bizarre. She becomes completely inconsiderate, disrespectful, obnoxious, and there is no approaching her during these episodes. I am isolated by the tantrums that occur if I reach out for help or comfort from friends or family. We can’t even speak to one another within our household or she feels ganged up on and, you guessed it, even more enraged. We can’t have people over, we can’t plan any activity or a vacation. She is completely unsympathetic to our agony and when (god forbid) we ask for a little mercy, her favorite response is “I don’t give a fuck!” Please help me.

When people feel torn apart by the nastiness of someone they love, they should always ask themselves whether their goal is to change the person who’s mean to them or change themselves. Since the former is dangerous, painful, and altogether impossible, the choice becomes clear.

Whether her problem is mood swings, alcohol, a bad attitude, or all of above and more, doesn’t matter; you and others have tried hard to change your wife and it’s clearly not going to work. So talking about her problem with anyone else, including me, a friend, or some other shrink, is the wrong thing to do. She says she doesn’t “give a fuck,” and in the meantime, you fruitlessly give all the fucks in the world.

It’s certainly part of our natural wiring to feel unhappy if momma’s unhappy, and feel somehow responsible for making her happy. You know, however, where that wiring and sense of responsibility will take you, and it’s nowhere positive. So put them aside, and stop saying or doing anything that makes you more responsible or even more aware of her unhappiness than is absolutely necessary.

Instead, determine whether you’ve done a decent job as a husband and father, and then do whatever’s necessary to meet your standards without regard to her happiness or opinion. If your frustration with her meanness has made you retaliate, then apologize and do better. To protect yourself from her meanness, you need to gain strength from the conviction that you’ve been a decent guy, no matter what she says.

Next, write up a statement justifying your right to tune her out when she’s mean, not because you want to punish or get through to her, but just to minimize damage and protect yourself from something you don’t deserve. In your statement, don’t blame her or try to change her, just accept the situation as is and justify doing what you think is necessary in terms of making the best of things.

Then start acting on your own personal Declaration of Independence. Instead of ruminating on how to help her problem, mind your own business and keep busy with your own affairs. Be ready to leave her presence if she can’t stop being unreasonably mean and enforce your absence if she pursues you (remember, bathrooms have locks and earphones are a wonderful invention). When the time comes, act decisively, don’t look apologetic, and don’t explain. Let your actions tell her and, more importantly, yourself, that you have a right not to be punished and that Momma’s unhappiness will never, ever control you.

You’re not wrong to hope that a firm response may help her control herself a little bit more, especially if you are successful at keeping your fear, anger, and defensiveness away from her. Your only legitimate hope, however, is to build a solid protective shield for yourself.

You can’t protect yourself from the pain of Momma’s anger or make it go away, but you can resist it with justifiable pride and start giving a fuck about yourself.

STATEMENT:
“My wife’s rages are so weird, I can’t get over feeling that she needs help and my job is to get it for her, but I know that’s bullshit because everyone’s tried and no one has succeeded. So I will learn to live with the pain of her eruptions and develop good ways to escape whenever necessary. Instead of letting her anger become my priority, I will follow my own path.”

My husband works hard and he’s not a mean guy, but he gets irritated easily, so when the kids start whining at dinner, he thinks it’s better for him to take his food into his office, eat there, and avoid confrontation, instead of just staying at the table and helping me get them to behave. The result is that we don’t see him much in the evening and the weekends aren’t much better, because he ducks out whenever things get tense. If I seem annoyed at him, he just stays in his office longer. I don’t like where this is going but it’s got me paralyzed. My goal is to make it better without driving my husband even further away.

There may be nothing wrong with trying to get your husband to do what you want just to make you happy—or to avoid pissing you off and getting hit with a guilt-storm—except that, when it doesn’t work, you’ll feel personally insulted. As you’ve found out, letting him know you’re angry drives him deeper into his boy-cave (which is like a man-cave, but for pouting), so negative communication, no matter how justified, is a bad idea.

Instead, retreat into your own personal Hall of Mature Reason, assume he’s not going to change, and add up what’s good and bad about your marriage. I assume, from what you say, that there’s more good than bad, which gives you reasons of your own for staying, regardless of whether he improves in terms of listening or participating. Yes, you may be helpless to change him, but that doesn’t matter; if you stay because you think it’s better for you and your family, you’ve made a positive choice and met your own standards for being a good parent.

Having anchored your decision in your own values, rather than allowing yourself to react to his actions, pinpoint the difference between his recent performance as dad and the job description you think he should have. While you’re at it, think of the benefits he would gain if he did the job right.

Finally, state your views about his job description, the way it should be, and the benefit for the family if he changed, without expressing anger or disrespect. Begin by showing respect for what he does well, then de-criminalize his distaste for noisy kids and his desire to escape. Finally, argue that, tired as he is, his influence over the kids is huge and he can help them settle down and control their behavior.

Make it clear that you expect him to develop his own techniques for setting limits and that you don’t expect him to learn overnight. Initially, he might find himself feeling angry and helpless. You’re confident, however, that he could make a big impact as a father and help his kids develop the way he wants them to. As long as your opinion is positive, you can pester him to leave his boy-cave and enter the adult-world of parenthood.

STATEMENT:
“When my husband retreats from the kids, I feel he leaves me holding the bag, but I know criticism just adds to his insecurity. I’ll control my anger by reminding myself that I have good reasons to remain and that I’m not his victim. I’ll then make it clear that, regardless of what he does, I think he could learn to become a strong father and have a powerful and satisfying influence over our kids.”