Parental Potential

Posted by fxckfeelings on September 9, 2013

As any parent or even casual viewer of Teen Mom can tell you, babies are very demanding creatures, and with everything they need from parents, it’s sometimes hard for parents to figure out what they need—and deserve—from each other in order to work together. Whether a co-parent’s actions leave you feeling neglected or his words make you feel you’re to blame, it’s time to take a deep breath, put the baby in something bouncy, and use your own standards of partnership to judge whether your performance is good enough for you to be proud of, and whether his or hers is worth living with. Then, keeping negative feelings off the table, discuss the changes that you think would be better for everyone, assuming they involve behavior and not personality. Leave the raw emotion to the baby, because it’s not about your needs, but your family’s.
–Dr. Lastname

I am the stay-at-home-mom of a toddler. I live with my husband and our child in a highly competitive urban area. My husband has been the breadwinner by far since we moved to this city; I am staying at home with our baby rather than working to pay for childcare. To earn his paycheck, my husband works from early in the morning to late at night every weekday. If I am lucky, I see him for a half-hour each night; if our child is lucky, he sees dad for 10 minutes each morning. I am frankly amazed that this limited time with his family doesn’t bother my husband, but I have asked him many times, and he is fine with his schedule. We do not need him to earn as much as he does in order to get by, but he has set a goal for himself to work hard and retire young. As a result, that is the pace he has set for the rest of us. I am beyond fed up with the selfishness of that decision. I am worn out, lonely, and concerned that our child will not know his father. Furthermore, since we don’t talk, our marital relationship is starting to suffer. He doesn’t seem to notice. What can I do to get my husband to slow down and to see how his choices are impacting the rest of us?

Resentment, like revenge, self-pity, and labiaplasty, is one of those things that, no matter how entitled you feel to partake in it, is ultimately pointless and best avoided.

Even though you can’t help feeling worn out, lonely, and worried about your workaholic husband’s schedule, resentment is your worst enemy when it comes to developing and pushing constructive options. Now that you’ve let him know how you feel and he hasn’t responded, you’re doubly pissed, which makes it even more crucial that you stop that cycle now before it goes further. From this point on, the goal is to be constructive, not cathartic.

Assuming your husband isn’t going to change, step one, as usual, is to take stock of what you’ve got. From what you said, your marriage isn’t all bad— as a matter of fact, the things you don’t talk about sound pretty good.

You haven’t mentioned his being unfaithful or working on weekends, and you’re not unhappy being a stay-at-home mom, especially since his earnings are more than enough to give your child security and allow you both to live well. When your husband is around, you’re not unhappy with him, other than his stubborn insistence on ignoring your pleas and sticking with his double-shift work plan. Going down the spouse performance checklist, he and your marriage meet your goals in major ways.

Don’t feel lucky or grateful for what you’ve got, however, because that just makes you feel guilty for having perfectly normal feelings. Instead, just remember what you value about your marriage, aside from its disappointments, so you don’t let them persuade you that you’re a helpless victim of a lousy deal and a husband who doesn’t care.

Step two then, if you like what you’ve got better than divorce, is to use positive methods to keep your marriage on track. Give yourself credit for being a good single (weekday) mother and your husband credit for what he does well. Then prepare for step three, which is to encourage your husband to think as rationally as you have about what’s best for him and his family.

Remind him that his reasons for spending more time at home are the same as yours; not missing out on the experience of raising and teaching his kids, and nourishing a good relationship with you, his partner. Ask him whether early retirement is worth short-changing himself on being a father and putting extra stress on his marriage. Encourage him to examine the details of his work-flow to see if his long work-days are really necessary, or might be shortened by improving his organization skills.

Finally, step four, refuse to talk about your unhappiness or how he’s hurt you or your child. Instead, focus on whether he is living up to his own values and ideas about what works best for his family in the long run, versus pursuing money and hard work for their own sake.

The issue is not between his happiness and yours, but your different ideas about what will work best for everyone. It’s not resentment, just rescheduling, and that’s a much easier change to sell when anger isn’t part of the discussion.

STATEMENT:
“My husband’s unavailability makes me feel neglected and disrespected, but I know he loves me, he’s building our security, and he’s available some of the time. I’ll learn to carry the load of his absences while I urge him to think more objectively about what it means to be a father and what kind of balance he wants to have in his life. Meanwhile, I’ll stick with this marriage unless I think it really isn’t a good deal, without letting anger control my decision.”

I’m not crazy about my work, but I have to work hard to make a decent living and support my family. By the time I get home, I’m eager to spend time with my husband and kids, but he tells me he’s worn out from watching the kids all afternoon and that I’m too tired to be much fun, so he usually leaves right after dinner and hangs out with his buddies in a bar. I like taking care of the kids, but I feel I’ve failed as a wife and want to get my husband to see a marriage therapist with me and try to work things out. I’m not afraid to be told I’ve been doing something wrong if it will help save my marriage.

It may be natural to judge your success, as a person and wife, by how happy and stable your family is, but it’s always a mistake. It’s probably a hard-wired instinct to feel somehow to blame for your husband’s unhappiness, particularly when he tells you that it’s your fault for driving him to drink and evening barroom entertainment. You need to override those circuits, however, and use your common sense to tell you whether you’re doing a good job and whether happiness or stability are really within your reach. Otherwise, you’re blaming yourself for something you don’t control, encouraging your husband to do likewise, and setting yourself up for depression.

Begin by inviting your husband to describe what he needs and expects from you in the evening. Put aside, for the time being, your desire to make him happy or change his mind about what he expects, and ignore his criticism, no matter how unjust. Pretend you’re doing a survey and are doing nothing but gathering facts to be considered later. Then, when you’re on your own, go over his expectations and do just that.

Don’t focus on his happiness or your own, just on whether you think his idea of your job description is fair and you’re doing a good enough job, regardless of what he thinks. Use the same objective and not-emotional standards you would when judging a friend. Get advice if you wish, but don’t ask for emotional support, just a trusted opinion about whether you’re making a reasonable effort to listen to your husband and do your share, given your time, energy, and your God-given personality.

Assuming for the moment that you’ve met your own standards and he’s still unhappy, ask yourself what you expect from him. Don’t accept the notion that he’s entitled to go out on strike if he feels like it, because you never promised to make him happy, just to try. As a father and partner, he has a job to do, so figure out your own description of what you think that job is.

Now that you’re ready to negotiate, start by telling him the good things he’s done for family life, and offer to make amends if you think you’ve failed to meet your own standards for partnership. Then describe what you think he should expect from himself. Don’t contest the fact that he’s happier in the bar, or complain that he’s hurt your feelings and left you in the lurch. Instead, ask him to consider the damage he’s doing to all family relationships and the risk that he’ll fuck up his own life with affairs, alcoholism, and divorce.

Force yourself to accept the fact that he may always be restless and dissatisfied, no matter what you do. Insist that he accept that his evenings with this family are never going to be thrilling, but will always be positive if he makes a good try. The question is not how he can be happy, but whether he can see that it’s better for him to suck it up, accept the boredom, and try to be a good partner.

Your hope, of course, is that he will see that a better home-life is in his own best interest and channel his resentment elsewhere. In any case, don’t accept guilt and responsibility for his unhappiness, regardless of what he or your wiring tells you. Regardless of what he decides, make your own decision about whether he offers a partnership that is worth keeping.

STATEMENT:
“When my husband tells me I’m boring, I feel like I should try harder to be interesting and sexy or accuse him of being unfair. Instead, I will do nothing other than try to do a good job as a wife and mother, as I see it, and encourage him to honor his own standards. I’ll accept that he tends to whine and allow no discussion of his complaints or mine. I’ll stick with him if I think it’s best for me and the kids.”