Nay, Jealousy

Posted by fxckfeelings on August 15, 2013

As feelings go, envy is an amazing two-fer—by hating others for having what you want and yourself for wanting it, you accomplish twice the useless negativity in half the time. Luckily, we’re here to remind you that feeling envious and like a loser seldom has anything to do with being a loser, just that you’re down on yourself for failing to perform, or are flooded with memories of all the times you came up short. So don’t let envious loser feelings have very real, negative effect on relationships, beginning with the one you have with yourself. Until someone finds a cure for that evil/efficient feeling—and better performance isn’t usually the answer—you need to remember what you value, other than high performance, so that your feelings of being a loser can never persuade you that you are one.
–Dr. Lastname

I’m going through one of my regular bouts of deep unhappiness, and there is a common cause to each bout—I am useless at everything. The problem is made worse because I have a partner who is so talented and brilliant at everything that I want to be talented and brilliant at. We do the same work (same company) and his feedback from clients is fantastic. He has a huge and positive impact on people generally. He also likes to write and is better at that than me. So I feel rather pathetic and that I have no strengths or skills or talents. It’s always been this way (since my teens—I am now verging on middle age!) only now I have a mirror reflecting back all the things I want to be and yet lack. I’m not sure how to get beyond this enduring sense of being a rather worthless human being.

Envy is a tough feeling to live with, particularly for those who are both particularly envious and ambitions. For them envy is like carbs; if it isn’t turned into fuel, pushing them forward, it clings to them and weighs them down.

Given that few envious people actually get to surround themselves with people who have less than they do, those not propelled by envy feel as trapped as someone in skinny jeans at Thanksgiving dinner, seldom able to escape or satisfy their misery-making feelings.

So, as usual, ask not how to escape a painful, unquenchable emotion, ask what you can do with it. You haven’t stabbed your brilliant partner in the back, trashed his work to your mutual clients, or just fled your partnership. In other words, you’ve haven’t let your envy turn you into a jerk, deter you from making a living, or make you betray your promises. You’ve kept it inside where it belongs, even if it hurts like hell, and saved yourself all the greater pain that comes with unleashing it and letting it mess up your life.

Of course, you should also ask yourself whether your self-loathing hurts more from time to time because you tend to get periodically depressed. Depression, which tends to come and go whenever it wants, makes every painful issue feel worse; since human nature is to see patterns where none exist, we tend to see the issues as causative of depression when, in actuality, it’s often the other way around. It’s a good idea then to go down the checklist of depressive symptoms, such as low energy, irritability, sleep problems, and poor concentration, and, if you have more than a couple, seek help.

You can also help yourself by re-defining your goals. Many of us start out by defining our self-worth in terms of performing better than someone else, but we come in time to value more important goals, like making a living, keeping a family together, and being a good person. People who are particularly good at something may continue to see their self-worth in terms of competition, but that just slows their development and makes it harder later on, when they meet their match in terms of other talented people, or simply aging.

With good coaching from a therapist or friend, draw up a list of the priorities you value that don’t depend on qualities you can’t change. You don’t control how much your clients love and admire you, but you do control your ability to offer good, conscientious services. Stop giving yourself mean crap for not being a superstar and instead respect yourself for doing your best with what you’ve got, which is quite an accomplishment.

Maybe you can’t help feeling self-critical, but you can learn to fight back against false self-devaluation and depression; with luck, you can even feel better. Your envy probably isn’t going anywhere, but if you learn to manage and accept it, it won’t make you go crazy.

STATEMENT:
“I can’t stand being around people who are far more gifted than I, but I know what I have to offer, and one of my strengths is that I can put up with a lot of self-criticism and envy without collapsing or becoming a mean person. I can also learn how to value other things than talent and thus to give myself the respect I deserve.”

I feel guilty saying this, but I don’t like spending time with my older brother. When we were kids, he was an all-star in school and everything came easy to him, but now that we’re older, he’s had to struggle a bit, and he’s not used to it. Meanwhile, I did OK for myself, despite being an average Joe, with a lot of hard work, so he’s become really resentful. I want to spend time with him, but when I do, he’ll be nicey-nice while really saying mean things—passive-aggressive back-handed compliments—which just gives me the creeps. I wish he’d leave me alone, but the more I try to stay away, the harder he tries to be “nice,” and the guiltier I feel. I wish I could stop him from being so bitter, so he’d be more natural and I wouldn’t have to feel guilty about how creepy he is to be around.

You can’t stop other people’s envy except by becoming a miserable failure and medical disaster, so it’s best not to feel responsible for their envious feelings about your success. As described above, some envious feelings act as a Darwinian part of the human apparatus because they provide us with useful motivation to get ahead, in addition to tearing others down. In any case, your brother can’t help the envious way he feels about you, especially since he’s not using those feelings to move up, but to try and bring you down.

It’s not your job to change his feelings, but to deal with an issue that often crops up in life; how to do your duty as a close relative to someone who is obnoxious to be around and whom you can’t really like. In putting together a social job description for yourself, respect the value of family solidarity and mutual support but also respect your need to be protected from shitty relationships.

Commit yourself to some regular expressions of good will and interest, and the necessity of helping out in case of emergency. Keep social occasions brief, however, or, in extreme cases, limit your contact to email and large family gatherings, depending on how obnoxious your brother is.

Don’t feel obliged to explain your actions to those who think you’re not doing enough. You have good reason to find your brother hard to be around, but you’re not blaming him or yourself. Respect the fact that, despite this problem, you’re doing your job as a brother, and if someone wants you to be happier or more comfortable with him, those are yet more feelings that you aren’t responsible for.

The creepier he is to be around, the more respect you should give yourself for being a positive, polite brother. Don’t back away, but give yourself reasonable limits for the amount of time you spend together and, during that time, show your interest and ignore anything but the most obviously offensive behavior. You can’t change him, but you can control your own social demeanor.

Meanwhile, don’t fault him for envy he can’t control, or yourself for triggering it. Be a good brother, by your own definition, with extra credit for putting up with qualities that would normally drive you away. Perhaps time and life events will blunt his envy and allow the two of you to experience a more positive chemistry. (Hopefully, those events will not require you to become homeless or get a face transplant).

STATEMENT:
“I want to avoid my brother’s sticky nastiness, but my own idea of being a good brother does not depend on how attractive or repulsive he is, so I’ll develop my own way of being a good guy while keeping the distance I think appropriate.”