Wedlockdown

Posted by fxckfeelings on August 12, 2013

Almost everyone—man, woman, and certainly fundamentalist Mormon—regards marriage as a happy ending and valuable goal in itself. It’s no wonder then that we’re reluctant to ask ourselves whether marriage is actually a good fit for everyone’s character, or whether some marriages are doomed despite lots of love and motivation on both sides. So beware of the sentimentalism of love when it applies to the unsentimental institution of wedlock. Instead, tally up the facts that come from actual behavior to determine whether marriage suits what one person needs and another person has to offer. If you’re looking to add a sister-wife, we can’t help you.
–Dr. Lastname

Now that I’m 35, I wish I could finally find a way to explain to my family that I really don’t want to get married, but they won’t hear it and think I just don’t want to grow up. It’s true that, for many years, I was out of control with drinking, drugs, and big lows, and I can understand that they don’t believe I know what’s good for me. But I’ve been sober now for five years, I take my work seriously, medication has stabilized my moods, and I’ve dated some nice girls I really care about who I enjoyed spending time with. At a certain point, however, I always start to wish they’d go home so I could do what I wanted to do, like reading or watching Netflix. I’ve remained friends with most of my exes, but I’d rather spend time alone in my own place, controlling my own time, and, while I love kids, I don’t want to raise any. So my goal is to figure out a way to get my relatives to accept my decision and stop nagging me.

It’s particularly hard to believe in the value of your own major choices if you’ve had trouble with substance abuse or mood swings, and even harder to get anyone else to believe in your major choices, especially when you make the choice to stay single and childless. Evidently, your history of addiction and mental illness is a good reason to second-guess your choices, but not your ability to raise a human.

Now that the worst of that addiction is in the past, you know that one of the great benefits of getting sober and taking time about your decisions is that you can actually come to believe in their rightness. In your case, you’ve got good evidence that there’s nothing wrong with your preferences; your emotions haven’t been controlling you, nor is a lack of good prospective partners influencing your personal choices. To paraphrase a wise, fictional Friday night football coach, you have a clear head and a full heart, so you can choose and not lose.

I assume there’s no sign that you get overly anxious about emotional intimacy, though, if you have doubts about it, you can always talk to a shrink or to a friend who really knows you. Before asking them whether you seem to run away because you don’t like to share, make sure they don’t equate a dislike of partnership with a fear of intimacy, as opposed to leaving because you have things to do and really like living alone. Craving solitude is a perfectly normal instinct, just an uncommon one; since most people fear being alone as much as you long for it, make sure that whomever you’re talking to understands introverts, or at least has an open mind about people who like both intimacy and solitude.

I assume you’ve also thought about what your needs might look like in ten or twenty years and are prepared to endure life’s bad luck on your own. That doesn’t mean you should get used to having no one to rely on, but it does mean you’re ready to nurture a network of friends and family that can sustain you and give life meaning through hard times.

So, if you’ve gone down your decision checklist, ruled out the bad and temporary reasons for disliking marriage, and assembled evidence that living alone is what you really and consistently prefer, then give yourself the assurance you deserve. Don’t bother trying to explain yourself to your family. You’ve told them that you don’t think marriage is for you, and if facts and self-assurance are on your side, it’s OK if your parents aren’t.

Be polite and positive in letting them know that further conversation is unwelcome, assuring them that, while you appreciate their interest and do like having strong, lasting relationships, you also value the freedom that comes with living alone. It’s not something you intend to waste time talking about.

If your family doesn’t trust your choice, it probably has less to do with the way you made it than with their prejudices. You may never make them proud grandparents, but they should be proud parents about how far you’ve come.

STATEMENT:
“I feel I have to defend myself for being different when it comes to wanting to get married, but I’m confident I know what’s best for me and it’s time I let my family know that I will never discuss my differences unless they are clearly accepted.”

My brother is living with a girl who doesn’t seem likely to make him happy. She’s a recovering alcoholic with a baby, and he complains about how much work he has to do to care for the child, dealing with her (fairly recent) ex, and how she doesn’t really get along with our family, but he never considers leaving. He never seems to let go of any girlfriend once he’s committed, but this is the first time he’s dated someone so needy, and I can’t see her letting him go anytime soon. If he does nothing, I’m sure there will be a baby, with or without marriage. What can I do to stop him from sliding into a really horrible life partnership?

You can’t protect your brother from a bad marital choice, but you can encourage good methods for decision-making and hope he’ll use them. If you criticize his girlfriend he’ll probably feel protective and criticize you for putting her down, especially since he seems to confuse her neediness with loyalty, and, from what you’ve said, he prizes loyalty above all else. If your topic is what’s right or wrong with his methods, however, it’s less personal and threatening.

Refuse to discuss how much he loves her or wishes to help her. Instead, while respecting his feelings, ask him to weigh the factors that are most likely to determine how he feels in a few years: to what degree she can do her share of child-rearing, money-earning, and crisis-managing. Warn him that, no matter how many good reasons she has for being incapacitated, if he consistently does more than his share, his anger will grow, and that won’t be good for either one of them.

Tell him he should listen to his own complaints about her, not because you’re tired of listening (though you are), but because he should be paying attention to them and deciding whether they represent serious, permanent problems. You don’t want to help him vent his complaints, even if doing so makes him feel better, because that’s temporary relief without a long-term plan. Insist that he ask himself whether the behavior that’s bothering him is likely to change and/or likely to sabotage their relationship.

Don’t let him change the subject by telling you how he feels or how he felt better after they had a good talk. Your questions may not be what he wants to hear, but remind him that he’s the only one who can protect himself from a bad marriage, and that it’s his job to give himself fact-based answers.

Commend his willingness to stick with relationships, but warn him that it’s a bad quality if he sticks to someone whom he hasn’t really evaluated or vetted. That’s when it’s called self-neglect, and he doesn’t deserve it; with the right questions, you can urge him to pay as much attention to his partners as you do.

STATEMENT:
“I’d hate for my brother to marry his trashy girlfriend, but I’ve got to keep my fears and dislike to myself while I challenge him to do the objective evaluation of her suitability that he should do to give himself the protection he deserves.”