Caring is Wearing

Posted by fxckfeelings on August 5, 2013

When someone attacks you because they’re hurt, you have no choice but to enter an emotional battle dome. If you care too much, you’ll feel cornered, attack them back, and you’re an asshole for being mean. On the other hand, if you back off, they’ll feel more hurt, and you’re an asshole for not caring enough. Either way, if you attempt retaliation, the situation will become “two angry people enter, only one sulks away.” Instead, develop your own rules for doing right by your friends and responding to grievances. Then, even if they can’t stop feeling hurt, you can do what’s right without acting more like the jerk they think you are, and leave the battle dome unscathed.
–Dr. Lastname

My wife and I get along very well most of the time, which is a good thing, because we run a business together. Typically, however, when we have fights, it’s not easy for either one of us to get over them. Recently, I said something she thought was demeaning, and she blew up at me in front of our friends. A day or so later I thought it over and apologized, because she was right, but she said that wasn’t enough and that she just about had enough of me. Then that reminded me of all the times she had acted like an asshole and I put up with it, but I don’t want to start the fight up again by reminding her of all those times and, at the same time, I hate that she’s huffy and threatening to leave. I was big enough to apologize, so she should be, too. My goal is to have a better marriage and not fight so much, which I think means getting her to play fair.

In a traditional shakedown, you’re offered your money or your life. In a partnership, however, the threat isn’t delivered in a dark alley but a well-lit bedroom, and it’s a lot more fraught; you’re offered the choice between your marriage or your pride.

It certainly would be better, if you’re sensitive to criticism, to have married someone who doesn’t hold grudges and isn’t too sensitive, but that’s obviously not what happened. Thankfully, your wife has other good qualities that have kept you together for many years and allowed you to be good business partners. Putting your marriage before her win, however, isn’t one of them.

That means you will need to learn how to disengage from fights yourself in three easy steps: first, do the right thing, even if it means apologizing, so you can honestly say you’ve met your own standards of behavior; second, give her the last word and the hurt, outrage and injustice that go with it; and third, stop her from having any more last words by changing the subject.

The reason you’re giving her the last word is that you’re OK with yourself. You apologized for your nasty words and, I assume, you meant your words sincerely and really think nothing more was required. You’ve done what you would advise a friend to do and, if someone did it to you, you would judge him or her as having done enough.

I assume you have the strength to absorb some pain or, again, you wouldn’t have stayed married all these years. If you want a painless marriage, you’ll have to start looking again and it may be a long search, probably to one of those real dolls or a toothless, clawless cat. To your credit, you didn’t ask for a painless marriage, so let’s welcome a little more pain for the sake of gaining the strength you need.

If your moral judgment is satisfied, then you can say you’re sorry she’s still mad and thinks about leaving you, you can’t tell her what to do, but you love her, you think you’ve got a good partnership, and that, given your temperaments and personalities, it’s impossible not to have some painful fights. From your point of view, however, it’s best not to talk about old fights once an apology has been made, so you’re not going to talk about this one. If she continues to do so, you’ll walk away (with all respect). Then go about your business and, at least for the next few days, try to ignore her huff.

In most cases, this procedure will break the huff-blackmail and make it clear that she can huff and puff as much as she wants, but that you still love her and you’re not taking the bait to fight, because you’re over it.

Instead of letting your certainty in your position keep you from letting the argument go, use that security to allow yourself to walk away. Your marriage is more important than making your point, and if you drop the fight to make that point, your wife will pick up your lead.

STATEMENT:
“I can’t stand it when my wife attacks me and won’t stop, but I can learn how to keep my mouth shut when she does because I know it will get worse if I don’t. The key is to believe I haven’t done wrong so that I can live with my conscience even when she can’t stand looking at me.”

I’m having a fight with my sister that I don’t really want to have but I can’t stop it. She’s going to move across the country for another job at the end of the summer and is anxious to spend more time with me before she goes, but I’m also going away and I’ve got close friends I’ve got to see. It’s not that I don’t like my sister, but she’s not my closest friend. Now that she’s started acting pissy and hurt, though, I like her even less, and want to spend less time with her, which makes her act crazier. How do I put a lid on this thing?

Obviously, you can’t stop your sister from feeling needy about not spending enough time with you, which is worse because she’s worried about moving away, not finding friends, and losing the foundation that she relies on. Even if she knows she’s worried (or has it pointed out to her), she may feel just as needy and angry. Your main goal is to avoid making things worse, no matter how pissy and clingy she gets. She is, after all, your sister, and you seem to realize that your time together does have some value.

Begin by deciding for yourself what a proper amount of time together should be, given your relationship and your idea of what a good sibling should do. Don’t peg it to her mood or response to you; that’s beyond everyone’s control. Instead, decide what’s right, whether or not she’s pissed off with you or you’d like to avoid her pissed-off presence.

Then ignore her aggrieved expression and propose that you spend some time together doing the things you both like to do. Offer her the opportunity to put aside her hurt and spend some time, even if it isn’t as much as she’d like. Be positive and optimistic about having a good time together.

If she can’t let go of her hurt and is determined to blame you for what she’s not getting, don’t argue. Instead, assure yourself that your commitment to her, given the situation and your need to spend time with old friends, is fair, reasonable, and consistent with what you’d expect a sister to do for you. After that, let he know you love her and that your time together is important, given your coming departures, but you can’t spend as much time as you’d like with her, because of complicated commitments. Still, you’ve given some thought about how to make the most of that limited time, and if she can’t stop feeling hurt, you can’t help it. You’re ready to have a good time together, but not to talk about her hurt.

Then stand by your actions and try not to respond with anger, guilt, or retaliation if she continues to nurse resentment. Show her that her grievance can do nothing but spoil your leave-taking whereas, if she can give it up, you can have a good time. Sooner or later, that’s the approach that will put your relationship back on a good footing, and show her that you do care, even if you’re not as available as she’d like.

STATEMENT:
“I can’t stand my sister when she’s sulking, but I know we love one another and we’re going through a stressful period. I’ll stay positive and put together a plan for us to spend good time together and let her know she can take it or leave it, but I won’t recognize her grievance or discuss it any further.”