Poise To The World

Posted by fxckfeelings on August 1, 2013

Self-confidence, like humility, is least often felt by those who deserve it most—call it the Trump theory of confidence conservation, with the baselessly-smug balancing out the needlessly self-doubting. Instead of paying attention to feelings of self-assurance, decide whether you or others have done their best, given what’s available. If so, try to act on that judgment, regardless of how you feel or how much confidence you encounter. Then you’ll do right by yourself and feel good about it, but not Donald-good, if you know what’s good for you.
–Dr. Lastname

I don’t know what to make of my wife’s efforts to find a job. When we married two years ago, she had a good job and enough money to take care of herself, but then she was put on probation—it didn’t bother her—and, since getting fired, she doesn’t seem to be trying hard to find new work. She knocks herself out to help me with errands, but then she always eats out for lunch and spends her time shopping with money she doesn’t really have. She doesn’t look worried, but I can’t get a straight story out of her about her budget or savings, and I’m beginning to worry what will happen when the money runs out. That includes my money, because I can’t afford to support the two of us indefinitely, particularly with her level of spending. I don’t want to undermine her confidence, which she obviously has lots of, or to mess up a loving relationship, but I’m afraid of what will happen if I say nothing. So what should I say?

Some people have an unshakeable confidence in themselves but shouldn’t, and for them, there is little solace. Everybody worries about people with low self-esteem, but for those with excessive self-esteem, the world is a cold place. On the other hand, they have so much faith in themselves, they don’t care.

Those with excessive self-esteem don’t necessarily suffer from too much pride or big egos, or deny some truth they don’t want to face. They just don’t see how fucked up they are because they believe they’re completely capable, and it prevents them from doing anything about their problems.

Without being nasty, sit down with your wife, go over her daily activities and checkbook, and offer to prepare a schedule and budget. If I’m wrong and you’re lucky, written reminders and coaching will help her do better. What I’m worried about, however, is her failure to respond to probation at work, which probably means her mind tunes out certain executive tasks even when there’s lots of supervision and her job’s on the line. In other words, as nice as she is, her control over key survival functions is weak and she may not have a choice about doing better.

If you find she’s making no progress, don’t assume she’s lazy or trying to screw you—she just has an unfortunate (and undocumented) disorder. If you try to figure out more about how this issue has affected her in the past, you’ll probably find out that this isn’t the first time she’s she’s had trouble with school, jobs, and schedule management. If she hasn’t mentioned it, it’s partly shame and partly an inability to notice; in other words, you’re both screwed and it’s not personal.

If that’s the case, be realistic about her disability and don’t expect her to manage money, responsibilities, or bad habits. Showing as little resentment as possible, take over money management, urge her to destroy her credit cards, and limit her tasks to those you know she can do. Don’t tip-toe around her problem or blame her for it; talk about it as a crippling disability that will require a huge effort to manage.

To the degree that she accepts your assessment (and you may be surprised by her willingness to do so) and welcomes your management, she may find ways to do better. In any case, you’ll wind up with a better idea of what she can and can’t do and the risks and burdens, as well as pleasures, of being her partner.

Of course, you may decide that her baggage is too heavy and that partnership creates too great a risk for your future security. If so, you will have no reason to feel betrayed by her laziness or guilty about your unwillingness to help; you’re simply screwed by life and determined to make the best of it.

Do your best to make it work, see if it works well enough, and then have just the right amount of confidence to do what you think is necessary

STATEMENT:
“I can’t understand my wife’s inability to search for a job or control her spending, but I know she really can’t. I’ll try to protect us from the worst consequences of her problem, while I decide whether I can stay in this partnership without wearing myself out or endangering my financial survival.”

I can’t seem to regain my boyfriend’s confidence since I got laid off. It’s true, I wasn’t as careful as I should have been about what I said at work, but it really was a layoff, and I’ve done all the right things since then to get myself hired somewhere else. I’ve taken part-time work in the meantime and maintained the apartment we share. If I’m still without full-time employment, it’s not for lack of trying. Trouble is, I’ve also had a recent string of medical problems and crises. I’m not disabled, but there were a few scary moments, and my boyfriend seems to think I’m out of control and a source of nothing but chaos. I let him know what I’ve accomplished every day, but it doesn’t seem to change his attitude, which is destroying my confidence, and making me worried he’s lost confidence in our relationship, which, up until now, has been headed towards marriage. I feel my life is coming apart, even though I’m doing all the right things. What more can I do?

When you’re sick, unemployed, and doing your best to get a job, you’ll scare people. We like to think we control our lives through hard work and taking care of our health, which is comforting, because if people realized how much of their fate was left to luck, they’d be lazy and drunk most of the time. Still, when confronted with a walking reminder of how little control they actually have, which you are, people can get a little spooked, especially the one considering a commitment to that reminder for the rest of his life.

That’s no reason, however, for you to spook yourself; you’ve risen to the unemployment occasion and kept up your job search, never hesitating to do whatever work came your way. Shame, humiliation, and medical problems haven’t stopped you, so you should be proud of yourself, not defensive.

Worried as you are about your boyfriend’s approval, don’t ask for it. Instead, assume you deserve it, and, if you don’t receive it, there’s something wrong with him, not you. He knows the facts, and while you can sympathize with his fears, it’s time to see how he acts when he’s afraid. If his fears make him flee, he’s not the guy you want or need.

Instead of explaining yourself, observe how you interact with him. If you appear insecure, you will trigger his anxiety, so show him that you’re confident in your abilities. That doesn’t mean you’re sure you’ll get a job and never have another medical crisis, but it does mean that you’re confident you can manage whatever problems come along for as long as necessary. Let your posture and tone convey confidence and independence while you do anything but explain. See if your belief in your own abilities can calm him down.

If, in the end, he can’t stand the chaos, you’re better off without him and it’s good to know that now. If, with your leadership, he continues to plug away and be a good companion while you do what’s necessary, he may be partnership material. Ideally, you’d like someone strong and supportive, but he may require your confidence and leadership to get there. You might not be in control of your health, but you can do damage control on your boyfriend’s reaction.

STATEMENT:
“When my boyfriend and I talk about my problems, he seems overwhelmed and angry. I know I’m managing them well and carrying my load, so I won’t doubt myself or share my fears with him. I’ll convey confidence, see if he calms down, and decide whether he’s got what it takes to be a good partner.”