Hope Springs Infernal

Posted by fxckfeelings on July 25, 2013

The phrase, “when the going gets tough, the tough get going,” is a bit unclear; after all, in a tough situation, you can either buckle down and get more focused or just give up and get going outta there. Trying harder or just giving up both give us a sense of control, but no matter where the tough go, either choice can easily make things worse. So when life becomes difficult, first assess the odds that more work will yield more positive results. Then, if there’s no way out of a tough spot, respect yourself for what it takes to eat shit and stay put. And no matter what, always make careful use of your clichés.
–Dr. Lastname

I know my adult daughter is a terrible avoider and procrastinator—she struggled all throughout school, and only graduated from college with a lot of help—but she made great progress a year ago after we developed a schedule and daily to-do list, and she was very good about using me as her coach. After her last lay-off, however, she lost steam and started looking depressed—she stopped getting up on time, keeping up with her calls, getting exercise, going through her mail, etc. She’s not totally incapacitated and we still talk every day, but she’s vague about what she’s actually accomplished. I’m thinking we should start over and develop a new system for evaluating what she needs to do and tracking whether she’s done it. When I talk with her about starting a new system, however, she gives me more vague answers, which leaves me frustrated and very, very worried. I’ve got to find some way to push her or she’ll never get going and then it will become more and more difficult for her to resume her career. She’s almost 30, and I can’t push her forever.

Throughout time, humans have developed useless-yet-comforting rituals to ease us through hopeless situations; from ducking and covering through a nuclear blast to stocking up on duct tape during an orange alert, there’s nothing like an empty ritual to distract you from the fact that, ultimately, you’re totally fucked.

As such, the good news is, you’ve done everything right by your daughter to help her manage procrastination by drawing up a schedule and to-do list and offering to track them with her. The bad news is that all those positive steps sometimes lead nowhere, and trying to figure out a new system at such a time might be about a useful as hiding under a desk to avoid a mushroom cloud.

The reason you’re probably wrong to go through the whole routine again, beginning from scratch, is because some causes of avoidant behavior are harder to manage than others, particularly when one of those causes is depression, and expecting results you can’t get will make depression worse. So don’t withdraw your good advice and kind offers, but assuming they’ll work may avoid the fact that this time they can’t.

Of course, just because a particular approach may be hopeless doesn’t mean you should give up hope; just because you’re fucked does not mean you should lie down and die. Instead, it means you should open your mind to the possibility that your daughter is less in control than before and that you need to adjust your approach accordingly, beginning with a discussion of that possibility. Instead of pushing harder and harder, tell her her inability to keep up her good habits may mean she’s in worse shape than before and less in control. Treatment for depression may help, but in the meantime, she should be patient while continuing to do her best and being realistic about the amount and kind of work she can do each day.

Challenge the notion that you rate her according to her work performance and instead remind her that it’s her effort to fight avoidance, not her actual performance itself, that matters most. You know she believes in taking care of her own business and being independent and that she does her best to live according to those values. If she keeps trying, she’ll get there. You don’t expect anything more.

Knowing that your daughter might be beyond the course of help that worked well before might mean you have to abandon that course, but it doesn’t mean you have to abandon hope entirely. Reset your course, along with your goals, and your rituals might have a smaller impact, but a much greater meaning.

STATEMENT:
“I was so successful in getting my daughter out of her last rut, it’s hard not to believe we could do it again by just trying harder. I know, however, that we won’t always have that power and that my biggest challenge as her coach is to help her respect her values and keep trying, even when she’s too disabled to get out of her own way.”

I don’t know what I’m doing wrong with dating, but it must be something, because I haven’t had a serious relationship in eight years. It’s true, I take my work seriously and my intellectual interests are boring to a lot of prospective dates, but I’ve got some time for socializing, and I put myself out there on the dating websites. I’m lucky I have good friends, or I’d be a lonely guy (then again, they never set me up with anyone, so I’m starting to feel like they’re trying to tell me something). As it is, I don’t see the point in going out on another dinner date with someone I won’t really want to see again—I wonder why I’m wasting my time, and fairly certain it’s time to resign myself to being alone forever. How do I know whether it’s officially time to give up?

Don’t pretend that there’s a special someone for everyone and you’ve got to be doing something wrong not to find her; you should know by now that you’re not living in a romance. Some jerks are lucky in love, some terrific people aren’t, and frankly, in my experience in public health, the nuttiest, most physically unappealing people are the most likely to be married. Stop paying lip-service to a fairy tale and telling yourself you’re a loser when being single is absolutely no indicator of worth (or mental health).

You seem to come well equipped to the dating game, even if you’re not easy to match. You’re hard working, enjoy friendship, and have the character to survive the world of e-romance. It’s just a fact that some people have all it takes to be good partners and still have the odds stacked against them.

So don’t make it worse for yourself by searching for your faults. If finding a good match is hard but it’s still what you want, use your smarts to improve the odds. Put out a self-description that properly describes your strengths and interests while fending off girls who would waste your time; that way, you expand your search while stiffening your screening. If she’s a needle in a haystack, invent a good technique for sieving great mounds of hay.

Every time you eliminate someone from your list, don’t regard it as a sad defeat, but as evidence that you’re doing a necessary job; to give yourself a chance, you need to be a clever, unsentimental eliminator. Give yourself respect for learning from your mistakes and doing the job well instead of grief and an excuse to stop looking entirely.

That respect, plus the search techniques of a veteran, will give you a much better chance of finding a good partner. If you want to find a partner, period, lose some sanity and all willingness to shower, and you’ll find a winner (and a headache) in no time.

STATEMENT:
“Loneliness has a way of mocking me with should-haves and might-have-beens, but I know what I want and I will never blame myself for the fact that life is tough and unfair. I will use my experience to improve my search and respect myself for going after what I want, regardless of whether I get lucky.”