Coerced Depression

Posted by fxckfeelings on July 18, 2013

Saying that being depressed just means being sad is like saying that having cancer means feeling nauseous; depression involves a lot more than misery, including anxiety, self-doubt, exhaustion, physical pain, and even nausea, depending on the individual. Some people are always at least a little depressed because they’re never satisfied with themselves, and others have severe symptoms but only briefly after special disappointments. In either case, until depression gets it’s own chemo-like treatment, people can seldom cure their symptoms. They can, however, learn to think more positively about their lives while not confusing the pain of symptoms with failure or character defects, or the pain of life with depression in general.
–Dr. Lastname

I have a very demanding and high pressure job, part of which is done in public, so when I make a mistake, I can’t stop thinking about it or beating myself up. I always think the worst, even for the minor stuff, but I don’t understand why. I accept mistakes in others, why can’t I accept them in myself? I am not arrogant or self-important; just the opposite, I often think I’m the dumbest, most inept person in the room. I’ve had some success but I always attribute that to external forces, not anything I’ve done. This is starting to really affect my life. I cry a lot. I don’t know what to do. Please help.

The fact that you got such a demanding and high pressure/profile job probably means that you have what it takes to get it done, but part of what helped you get it and do it well is being ultra-conscientious, which means worrying, self-criticism, and now, probably, depression. Circle of life, meet circle of strife.

The good side of worry and anxiety is that they drive you to work harder and look out for mistakes. Worriers succeed, not to keep my industry alive, but because worry-genes help people survive and multiply. The negative side of these genes, however, is that they set you up for negative thinking and depression. Anxiety and depression are just two sides of the same miserable coin.

If you’re not feeling too incapacitated, start reading up on anxiety, depression, and the kind of negative thinking they tend to cause, and look for a therapist who can help you to think more positively. There are also physical things you can do to help yourself, like exercise and meditation, that can help reduce symptoms.

If, however, you feel like you’re starting to lose it and need all the help you can get, see a psychiatrist and try some medication while also exploring those other options. While medications always carry a higher risk than non-medical treatments, take several weeks before they start working, and are far from a sure thing, they can sometimes turn things around, particularly if you’re patient and keep trying.

Don’t ask why you can’t accept yourself, because asking that question will just make you more non-accepting. Instead, take pride in the fact that you make good use of your non-accepting, nervous self—at least, when you’re not so depressed that you can’t stop sobbing—and that you can be a good person and lead a good life.

Depression and anxiety may be holding you back right now, but they’re also part of what got you to where you are in the first place. If you learn some techniques for managing your moods, you’ll break the circle before it breaks you.

STATEMENT:
“I hate being a self-hater, but I work hard and do what I, in my saner moments, believe is a good job. I will do what’s necessary to survive depression and anxiety and keep my life going in a positive direction, regardless of my nasty, negative inner voices.”

I don’t know why I’ve suddenly become stricken with depression after being such a happy, competent person up to now, but starting a month ago, I couldn’t stop crying. I’m sure feeling better now, but I don’t know what to do. A month ago I got very upset when my younger daughter didn’t get into the graduate school I thought would be perfect for her. I love her dearly, and she’s very motivated, but she sometimes goes off the rails and screws up a course, and when that happened, I couldn’t stop the train wreck. The truth is, she got into a different school she was very happy with, but I couldn’t stop feeling obsessed with her failure and mine until I actually visited her graduate school with her, and then it looked very nice and suddenly I was fine. So, should I keep taking the medication a psychiatrist gave me and am I getting enough therapy?

It’s unusual for someone to get totally depressed over this kind of issue just once in their lives, so I’m going to assume that your vulnerability to feeling devastated by setbacks is a continuing issue, even if good luck has prevented you from experiencing it before. If I’m wrong, and you’ve had similar disappointments in the past without being hammered by depressive symptoms, then please disregard what I’m about to say next—although, I’ve got to warn you, it’s a basic rule in medicine that, if something bad happens once to some part of your body, it will probably happen again. There are few lasting cures for diseases of the back, bowels and brains.

Lucky for you, reacting adversely to disappointment isn’t exactly the same thing as depression—depression can be random and paralyzing (see above), while what ails you has a more predictable cause, and therefore, an easier approach. Your first job then is to be aware of your vulnerability to feelings of failure and be ready with a philosophy that grounds you in your deeper values and a realistic sense of what you and others have accomplished. So armed, you would urge yourself not to become over-attached to the attractiveness of any one graduate school.

After finding out where your daughter was accepted, you would actively research that school’s strengths and remind her and yourself of her personal accomplishments. You’d then help her to seek for patterns in her occasional academic meltdowns. The more actively and optimistically you manage your own symptoms, the better you will help her manage her academic reverses without criticism or stigma.

If, regardless of your self-counsel, you felt yourself slipping into despair, you would give yourself the same assurances as if you had the flu; the symptoms will pass, work if you can, take good care of yourself, and get help immediately if things don’t get better.

So no, you don’t need treatment for depression, but you could probably benefit from treatment for negative thinking in reaction to certain kinds of disappointment. Be ready to help yourself and keep your bearings if this happens again. It will help you, as a person and a parent, to avoid therapy and talk of depression altogether.

STATEMENT:
“I know I’m over the severe depressive symptoms I had for a month, but life is hard and I’m sure I will run into similar shocks in the future. I will work out a lifeboat drill for keeping my perspective in spite of depression and negative thinking, taking good care of myself, and providing leadership to those who need it.”