The End Is Why?
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 15, 2013
Love and hate aren’t opposites, they’re siblings, which is why there’s a level of hatred you can only feel for someone you’re involved with, and at your rage-iest moments, it’s often hard to figure out whether your relationship is healthy. It’s especially difficult at those times since you may be too distracted by love, hate, rage, passion, etc. to define the specific requirements that matter most to a partnership or you may be too spooked by a close relationship to ever feel comfortable. In either case, a little hate in a relationship is healthy; it’s being too indifferent, either to make the effort to assess what you need or learn how to assert yourself with your partner, that spells trouble.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m really stuck on my relationship. The first year was great, then we moved in and I’ve been in this space of questioning it ever since. I’ve never lived with anyone and have only had one other long-term relationship so have little to compare it to. I have come to realize over the past year through counseling that my thoughts about relationships have been mostly fantasies, thinking that it’s easy and fulfilling all the time. This one has required me to do a lot of ‘work’ overcoming this, compromising, changing my views, and pushing myself to bring up difficult conversations. We are great friends and have similar values, which I think is what holds us together. However on a day-to-day basis we argue quit a bit, have different preferences on lifestyle (he likes to be out all the time, I am a home body), and sometimes have different views on romantic relationships. I understand that differences are inevitable but what I am really having trouble with is determining if I should continue to work on these issues and accept that relationships have never been easy for me, or if he’s not the right match. I could keep looking and find myself in the same boat with another man a few years later. Or, I could be realistic, know that it’s not like it is in the movies and settle down and start a family, which is ultimately what I want. What is your view on this?
To paraphrase Tolstoy, all successful relationships are alike; every unhappy relationship is unhappy in its own way. The signs pointing to a partner’s worthiness are fairly obvious—if they’re responsible, share your values and your friends, all factors you’re taking into account—but the small things that can doom a relationship are often more unique.
You’re on the right track about advancing a close relationship by living together to discover how you and your boyfriend gel in very realistic, specific ways, but you need to be even more specific now about the significant differences that remain between you and your partner, particularly if, as you say, you want to start a family.
Figure out the particular topics about which you’ve got to have “difficult conversations,” or whether your lifestyle differences include his drinking, going out to concerts or hanging out with the guys. Ask yourself whether his out-of-the-house activities get in the way of your doing things you both like, or his fulfilling his responsibilities around the house, at work and with friends. Don’t just tally up the times you’re irritated with him against the time you’re not.
Use your experience with this live-in relationship to sharpen your job description for an acceptable partnership; now that you know what your boyfriend is like to live with, you probably know what he’d be like if you were raising kids together and were short of time, energy, patience, and money, which is what raising a family is. Ask yourself whether he does and would do his share of the work and accept you when you’re not particularly nice and vice versa.
Put aside, for a moment, whether he measures up to the movies or whether you sometimes hate him, because if you think he can be a good partner and, when you’re not too pressured, a good friend, then that’s what you’re after. Don’t use counseling to air your emotional disappointments, because, as we always say, that’s the equivalent of airing intestinal gas; it allows you to achieve temporary relief while poisoning the atmosphere for everyone in the vicinity.
Instead, sharpen your focus on the behaviors that you think would be problematic or downright unacceptable and ask your therapist to challenge you to be specific about your absolute needs. That way, at the end of three months, you should have a list of requirements for a prospective partner and, next to each, have graded your current partner as acceptable, forget it, or possibly trainable. If you know he can’t meet an essential requirement, then it’s time to move on, and your job with your therapist is to get the separation accomplished and clear the deck for something better. If he’s trainable, ask your therapist to help you give him clear, positive statements about what you need and determine, objectively, whether his actions give you realistic reasons to hope he can improve.
You’ve realized that partnership isn’t about romance; now come up one more level and use your live-in experience to be specific with yourself about what you need and what you’ve got. Then you’ll have the right answer, which might be painful, but less than reading Tolstoy, and even more educational.
STATEMENT:
“It’s hard, when I’m accommodating someone I love, to decide whether he’s right for me, but I have enough experience to know what I need and figure out whether he’s got what it takes. If I do a disciplined evaluation and abide by the results, I’ll have my best chance of finding a good partnership and avoiding a bad one.”
I can’t get over the feeling that my husband abuses me even though my sister says he’s not so bad and I’m overreacting. I feel like he dominates me and controls my decisions about everything, and is never happy with me. I worry too much about whether he’ll like what I wear or serve for dinner, and I’m always second-guessing myself about what he’d say when I discipline the kids. My sister, who’s around a lot because she helps me with them, says he’s grouchy sometimes but that he’s not so bad–after all, he works hard, is a good dad, and loves me. I know I’ve always been a sensitive person and it doesn’t help that my husband and I met in high school and neither of us ever dated anyone else. My therapist also tells me I’m reactive to pushy men because I was sexually abused by a family friend and have always been prone to depression. Nevertheless, I don’t know what to do about my marriage.
Since you’ve done your homework by comparing your husband’s behavior to what you expect in a marriage and gathering objective observations about how well he measures up, you have good reason to think your negative feelings about him have more to do with your sensitivity than his bad behavior or possible abusiveness. That doesn’t mean he’s right and you’re wrong; it just means you have a different kind of problem on your hands.
As your therapist says, being abused as a child often makes people oversensitive and sometimes they choose abusive guys as partners. You didn’t do that; you chose a husband who seems basically decent. Nevertheless, the feelings of being dominated and criticized won’t leave you alone. You feel comfortable with your long-term female friends and therapist, however, so your sensitivity is limited to certain people. Maybe there are things you can do then, using your trusted friends and therapists as advisers, that will stretch your marital comfort zone.
Begin by imagining how you would behave if you weren’t married and your husband was out of the picture, including what you would eat and wear and how you would manage the kids and enjoy yourself. Push yourself to define your taste and style. If in doubt about the right thing to do in that hypothetical situation, work it out with your friends or therapist until you’re sure you’re not just reacting to your husband’s wishes and beliefs.
Then start to do things your way, regardless of your fears about your husband’s reaction. It’s possible he’ll go with the flow, even after some huffing and puffing, and you’ll find you have less to worry about than you think. As long as you have good reasons for doing things your way and are confident you’re not being mean or overbearing yourself, you have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about. If he’s upset, it’s his problem.
If he makes you feel guilty about your choices, give those choices additional thought. Then, if you still feel you’re within your rights, work with your advisers on a speech that will let him know you care what he thinks but you believe in your right to agree to disagree when you think it’s appropriate. Yes, that will certainly test your fears, as well as your relationship, but, in the end, you’ll feel stronger and less worried about what your husband or any domineering guy thinks. You’ll also know whether your husband can accept the woman you are, whether you can accept him, and whether the real root of the abuse is your own self-doubt.
STATEMENT:
“I wish my husband didn’t make me feel abused, but I have reason to think he may not be a bad partner in spite of my feelings. I will push myself to act more independently and challenge my anxiety (as well as his opinions), to see if I can make myself more at home with a guy who, people say, is basically reasonable. It’s work, but it’s better than the alternative.”
