The Replacements

Posted by fxckfeelings on June 27, 2013

We all have an inner-cyborg, at least in terms of having certain missions, usually involving kids and jobs, that must be carried out by any means necessary. As such, if someone or something threatens the mission, our instinct is to terminate that threat even though fighting it can sometimes put the whole mission into peril. Before entering defense mode, ask your rational, human mind what you’re doing it for and what about this process you control. Then, if and when it’s threatened, you’ll know when you’re better off accepting change and when it’s worthwhile to stand against it. You’ll also be sure that you’re a fraking human after all.
–Dr. Lastname

I am going through divorce after a long and painful marriage to a man who lied and let me down many times but was a good father to our children. We have a baby granddaughter whom we both adore. My soon to be ex has a partner who he deceived me with for years and who showed great contempt for my feelings. Our adult children only met her quite recently which I suggested in the interests of us all moving on and I have been polite to her for their sake. I have a new partner whom they like and who is kind and trustworthy. He has grandchildren of his own but this woman is childless and of menopausal age. My daughter has told me that her father has asked to take the one year old girl on a lengthy car trip to meet the extended family of this woman. She was defensive and awkward so I let it go but I feel hurt at the disloyalty. She is welcome to my weak and dishonest ex but I feel usurped. My goal is to behave well in what feels like a takeover bid.

Some people try by finding a certain spouse, or a cruel mentor, or even a drinking problem, but there really is no replacement for one’s actual mother, no matter how much you feel like your ex’s new partner is trying to become a mother to your children.

Your children will never feel about anyone the way they feel about you, and your influence will grow in proportion to your wisdom, not the guilt you can generate through disapproval. Paranoia is a mother, but it still doesn’t hold a candle to your actual motherhood.

As for your goals, remember that your top priority is what will help your kids be good parents and stable partners, not what will make you feel secure from a hostile family takeover. In this case, you have another advantage in that your ex’s proposal to take your one-year-old grandchild on a long car-trip with anyone is probably a bad idea, and it gives you opportunities to do some teaching about motherhood and management.

After all, the trip might give your daughter a break from parenting and make her father and his girlfriend happy, but it will present your grandchild with a long time away from her parents and all familiar settings, and also break up her feeding and sleep routines. So draw on your parenting experience to help your daughter weigh the pros and cons of the trip in terms of what she thinks is best for her daughter and her family’s routines. Encourage her to do what she thinks is best, regardless of whether it hurts anyone’s feelings, including her father’s or yours.

If she asks whether you’re upset, seize the opportunity to create a boundary by telling her that it doesn’t matter. Of course, your divorce sometimes presents you with painful challenges, but you don’t want your kids to worry about a problem that you’re managing very nicely, thank you very much.

You’re pleased she’s discussed the issue with you so that you have a chance to give her the benefit of your experience when it comes to parenting and raising a baby. That’s the greatest honor and satisfaction that you could have, as one mother to another.

STATEMENT:
“I sometimes feel that my ex and his partner try to edge me out of my own relationship with the kids and grandkids, but I have confidence in the love my kids have for me and I will encourage them to be aware of their own priorities when they find themselves responding to suggestions or requests from the older generation.”

I’m not about to lose my job, but I hate going to work every day because I feel I’m being edged out of any serious responsibility. It started when I raised an ethical objection to my boss’ way of solving a problem and, since then, I’ve realized I’m no longer in the loop. He includes me in meetings only if he has to and gives me routine problems while keeping me away from anything difficult or controversial. I’ve never liked this job, but I’ve given it 10 years of dedicated hard work and now I feel like I’m no longer respected or part of the management team and it’s got me depressed. My goal is to get my self-respect back.

“Dedicated” and “work” are two words that don’t belong together unless there are other dedications you’re ready to make at the same time. For instance, it’s OK to be dedicated to doing a good day’s work, meaning you take pride in doing a good job during the designated workday, but not if you don’t make it clear to yourself that your dedication to work is limited by other, more important commitments, like friends, family, and all the stuff you actually enjoy and love that work is there to support.

Remember, work, bosses, and co-workers sometimes suck, as does the economy, and other jobs are not always available, so if you’ve linked your self-esteem and mental health to something you don’t control, you’re asking for trouble. If you’re going to say that your work is your life, then it’s time to change your life, and now’s a good time. Given the nasty realities of work, you shouldn’t allow yourself to become as dependent on it as you have.

You deserve great praise for standing up for your principles and telling your boss his plan wasn’t ethical. Now you’ve discovered, however, that good ethics requires emotional independence. So be proud both of your hard work and the courage it took you to stand up to your boss, and if he no longer feels comfortable working with you, it proves you were right. Instead of mourning the loss of his trust, respect the fact that you trust your own moral compass and that it’s time for you to find colleagues whose ethics match your own.

Fortunately, since your boss relies on you less, you have more time for a job search. Even more important, you also have more time to build a life outside of work and recognize that a job is nothing but a job. You’re not there to win your boss’ trust, though that would be nice, but to make a living and not do anything indictable.

Remind yourself that you’re available to take on more responsibilities at work but, if they aren’t offered, you know how to keep yourself busy—with networking, exercising, and resumé-building. Find a good coach-therapist who can help you expand your social life and re-focus your identity on the person who works to live, not lives to work.

You don’t have to get your self-respect back, because you’ve done a good job of earning it in the first place. You just need your priorities back, and that includes finding more time for life outside of work, and a new job in general.

STATEMENT:
“I feel like a nobody at work, but I have no doubt about my ability or my ethics, so it’s time to work for myself and find a better job.”