Love Me D’oh

Posted by fxckfeelings on June 24, 2013

If you have problems being alone, you’re just as screwed as the guy who has problems committing to being with someone else; either way, you’re both in a bad situation, either sticking around with a bad thing or leaving a good thing because fear, not self-respect, is dictating your decisions. If you’re prepared to apply reasonable standards to your relationships, however, and stand by those standards, you can develop confidence in your ability to protect yourself from bad relationships as well as bad fears. You don’t necessarily have to love yourself to love someone else, but you do have to stop screwing yourself out of love altogether.
–Dr. Lastname

I always felt the one thing I needed for happiness was to find a guy who loved me as much as I loved him, but that I’d probably never find him, because relationships with guys either never last or they get one-sided, or both. So when I found someone I loved who really cared about me, I began to feel that I could finally relax and trust someone. The trouble is, I now have a man I love so much but he keeps doubting my love, and he’s controlling about the friends I keep, how I dress, where I go and if I miss a call he calls back to argue with me. What should I do? I am feeling hurt and lost but at the same time I feel I can’t do without him.

No matter what your heart may tell you, the only person you can’t live without is yourself. The only exceptions to this rule are conjoined twins (who might actually share a heart) and dogs who happen to read advice websites.

That’s why it’s foolish to scare yourself then into thinking you’re more dependent or desperate than you really are. You coped with loneliness before, so you can do it again, especially now that you’ve acquired the wisdom that you not only deserve someone who can love you back, you someone who isn’t a suspicious, controlling Asshole™.

Before starting a more intelligent search for a good partner, however, persuade yourself that you’re not as helpless as you feel you are and talk yourself out of the fear of being on your own. Fight your intense need to hang onto someone/something that’s no good for you as you would with any addiction, by consulting your experience and adding up the good and bad he brings to your life. With tough realism, tell yourself he’s not going to change. And remember, if you decide he’s bad for you, it’s your job to get yourself out of this relationship. No one else can do it, and waiting for him to get fed up and walk away is just wasting time and prolonging your pain.

Of course, once you tell him his behavior is unacceptable and you’re ready to call it quits, he may just apologize and thank you for calling him on his shit. That would be a wonderful outcome for both of you, assuming he could keep his behavior under control. If he does stop acting like an Asshole™, however, stay confident in your own standards and walk away before you’ll let anyone make you feel responsible for their happiness.

If you decide he’s bad news and you’re still unable to pull away, then it’s time to come to terms with the fact that your addiction is no longer in your control. Admit your addiction to friends and ask for their help in putting up a barrier, and perhaps find other addicts to talk to in Sex or Love Anonymous meetings (but don’t date them). Learn to recognize the negative things you say to yourself. No matter how much it hurts to be alone, telling yourself that you can’t live without someone is disrespectful and demeaning to yourself; it’s a cheap distraction both from that hurt and figuring out what you need to do next.

There are a lot of guys out there whose love would trap you and drain you dry. Remember who you are and you will find the strength to break free, move on, and give respect and enjoy spending time with the one person who’s always been there for you, yourself.

STATEMENT:
“I feel trapped, but I’m not. I will learn to recognize and challenge the fear that I can’t let go of someone I love.”

I don’t like to meddle in my daughter’s life, but I hate the way she’s treating her boyfriend. He’s a great guy, but she doesn’t want to get married because she’s fascinated with her career and thinks she’s not ready to commit because he doesn’t support it. Unfortunately, this is a pattern with her—finding great guys and then finding reasons it won’t work that don’t seem entirely sound—and even though she’s young, I know as someone who’s been around that she can’t afford to walk away from another really great guy. I’m worried she’s going to throw it away, not get as lucky again, and end up lonely and full of regret. I wish I could find a way to help her without pissing her off.

I assume you’ve got good reasons to worry about your daughter’s passing up a good chance for a great marriage. There are also bad reasons, like the wish for grandchildren or a particular affection for her not-to-be fiancé, which, despite being perfectly understandable, are best kept to yourself because expressing those thoughts will make your daughter guilty for not making you happy and trigger her resistance to letting her mother run her life.

Telling her that she’s fear-driven when she’s not ready to admit it will also get you nowhere, particularly if it’s true. She’ll feel you’re trying to shrink her, respond with some observation about your real, unacknowledged motivations for doing something that ruined her life, and have yourself a nasty mother-daughter guilt-off.

The good reason for your concerns is that you know how hard it is to find a good partner and it doesn’t get easier as you get older. You also know that there are good ways to determine whether a prospective partner can be flexible and respectful when career needs pull in different directions.

So tell her that, while you respect her determination to find a partner who will support her career, dual careers often create unavoidable conflict and unhappiness. The true test of a good dual-career partnership is not whether your partner makes you unhappy about a career decision but whether negotiations leave you feeling respected and gives you an opportunity to do what really matters, sooner or later. Ask her whether her boyfriend has shown flexibility about disagreement in other relationships and whether he can sometimes go along with her wishes even when he doesn’t like them.

Advise her to disregard whether he’s always happy with her plans and notice instead whether he can go along with them without getting too angry, holding a grudge, or laying on the guilt. Once your daughter knows you’re not pushing her towards a particular decision, or telling her how she really feels, she will probably be willing to listen.

Even if your advice doesn’t give her second thoughts about dumping Mr. Might-have-been, it will improve her confidence in her ability to stand up for her career priorities within a partnership and give the two of you a way to think together about her decision-making without knocking her love, loyalty, intelligence, or the quality of your relationship.

STATEMENT:
“I wish I could stop my daughter from making fear-of-commitment decisions about perfectly good relationships, but I know that criticism will just make her fears worse. I will offer her practical methods for dealing with these fears, show confidence in her ability to find a good solution, and hope for the best.”