Man of Feel

Posted by fxckfeelings on June 10, 2013

While many have argued that romantic feelings can alter a person’s ability to reason, they also seem alter one’s vision, either giving one the ability to see faults in their partner and relationship that aren’t visible to the ordinary naked eye, or blinding them to real details in a rose-colored cloud. The best way to correct this impaired vision isn’t with glasses, but by keeping your eyes shut for a bit and looking inward; all good partnerships require behavior that meets your idea of what the job requires. So instead of analyzing unhappy feelings or taking comfort in love, figure out what you want him or her to do, dig for facts, and make it clear what’s acceptable and what isn’t, according to your experiences. Then, regardless of whether you break your heart or just his, you’ll have what you need, and you’ll never have to wonder what you “saw in him,” or what to look for going forward.
–Dr. Lastname

I’ve been in a relationship for about five years now but I’ve gradually realized that my significant other derives his self-worth from a futile “Superman complex,” and he has admitted as much. That is, he feels his parents are stuck in an unhappy marriage, they express panic at the thought of him leaving home once a steady job comes along, and he has to make them happy. He takes the approach that he’s the mortar holding unhappy people together, whether they be relatives, friends, or coworkers. I’ve let him know my opinion, that he’s not helping them one whit, and that he may be keeping them from advancing in one direction or the other. Up goes the great “you’re wrong” wall of China. He hides low self-esteem behind a front of cockiness and runs like hell from any negative emotion (i.e., bottles it up and believes the pressure will never blow). I don’t understand how someone who doesn’t love himself can truly love anyone else, let alone me. I know I can’t force a change in him, but I still feel driven to reason with him since he professes to be a creature of logic. His intentions are ultimately good. Am I being completely dumb and trying to salvage a relationship that was built on unsteady ground to begin with?

Before you get too convinced that your boyfriend’s Superman issues are going to drive you apart, remember that Superman himself is rarely actually single. So, instead of assuming his parents are your relationship’s Kryptonite, ask yourself what you want from him and to what degree his unhappiness and over-involvement with his parents get in the way, if they do.

Lots of people can’t stop being unhappy because it’s not under their control, and expecting them to be happy leads to nothing but disappointment and a sense of failure. No matter how much you love someone, remember, you can’t make it work unless you also accept him, so if you need a happier guy, maybe you should look elsewhere. Superman or no, he’s powerless to his emotions.

Lots of unhappy people, however, can be great friends and companions as long as their unhappiness doesn’t push them towards bad behavior, like clinging to their parents, drinking, or being busy helping others when you’re supposed to have a weekend together. If he behaves pretty well in spite of his Superman self-image, then the question to ask yourself is why you’re making such a big deal of his unhappiness. If it’s because you’re making his unhappiness your responsibility, then you’re doing unto him what you’ve accused him of doing to his parents, and you should stop, forget about his unhappiness, and enjoy his companionship.

On the other hand, if he spends too much time thinking or talking about his or his parents’ unhappiness to wasting time in futile attempts to help them when he should be out making a living and starting a life with you, discuss what needs to change about his behavior instead of trying to tinker with his feelings. Be clear about how much time and attention he should be devoting to you and his own life, then praise him for good behavior. Make your decision about the future based on how well he performs after you give him good coaching, not on his moods.

Stifle your wish to change him through psychoanalysis of his low self-esteem, wish to make his parents happy, comic-book complexes, etc. Instead, ask yourself whether you can accept him the way he is, assuming he can behave reasonably, by your standards.

This is a good example of how analyzing people’s feelings can cause more problems than it solves. Focus on practical thinking and patience, because neither superhuman strength nor insight is going to save your relationship.

STATEMENT:
“I’d love to get my boyfriend to understand why he makes himself unhappy over his parents’ relationship, but it’s none of my fucking business and discussions about it are unhealthy. I’ll define what I need from him, decide whether he can do it, and try to train him if I think it’s worthwhile. Then I’ll have my answer.”

My boyfriend and I get along well, but I sometimes wonder where we’re going. I know he loves me and I’m the only woman in his life, but we seldom get together more than once a week because of his work, which is all-important to him—he’s an assistant professor and is always writing lectures, grading papers, or preparing to write a book. He lives with his parents to save money and hates to think of anything else in life but tenure, which may or may not happen soon, so he doesn’t want to think about our living together or getting married and starting a family. I wonder whether this is normal and, if it isn’t, what should I do about it?

There’s certainly no reason to doubt the value of a warm, steady relationship, even if you get to see your boyfriend no more than once a week, but the question you don’t seem to have asked yourself, as in the case above, is what you want the relationship for, and if the answer is, “for more than one day a week,” you’re in trouble. If you want a husband, which seems more likely, then you’ve got to wonder whether this fellow is ever going to meet your job description.

If he’s such a tunnel-vision single-tasker that he allows no demands to be put on him other than work (between you and his parents, all his needs seem taken care of), then there’s good reason to doubt he’s going to change once he gets tenure. The force behind a lifestyle like his is usually character, not circumstance, regardless of what you would both prefer to believe.

So don’t postpone your decision-making just because he wants you to, or because it may lead to painful conclusions. Instead, decide whether you want him for something more than going steady on Saturday night. You’ve known him long enough, so this isn’t a decision that requires conversation, agreement, or anything other than consulting your own experience and wisdom and making up your mind.

If you think he’s a legitimate candidate, compose and propose a together-time schedule that you think is compatible with his need to get work done and your need to know whether he can also chew gum and share his life with you. Without asking him to take the initiative or feel good about your plan, advance your opinion that you can have a good partnership together if he complies with your conditions.

If he’s partnership material, he’ll be nervous and resistant to your plan, but he’ll do it and things will work out fine when he does. If he doesn’t have that flexibility and really can’t stand to get torn away from his work or his mommy and daddy, then he won’t budge and will blame you for breaking up a good thing.

Either way, you’ll get the answer you need if you want to find a partner and go ahead with your life, even if you have to find that partner elsewhere.

STATEMENT:
“I don’t want to break up a warm, stable relationship, but, if I want more than a weekly companion, I’ve got to figure out whether this guy has what it takes, even if it means laying down requirements that he may find painful or disagreeable. If I think he’s got what I need, then I also think my plan for moving the relationship forward is what we’ve got to act on.”