Over The Influence

Posted by fxckfeelings on May 30, 2013

While we all work for a boss in one way or another, it’s safer to do so strictly for the paycheck, instead of the emotional reward of approval. Otherwise, caring too much about whether the boss appreciates your performance can ruin your job satisfaction, even when you know you’ve done it well, or spark you into self-destructive rebellion. So the best thing to do is not work too hard for the boss, the Man, or the Woman; it’s to become your own judge of what constitutes a good day’s work and a reasonable worker’s boss, judge yourself accordingly, and keep getting paid.
–Dr. Lastname

I loved my job at the nursing home for the first 20 years or so, and we were a great team, but the last ten years have been much harder, mainly because we had to move further away because of my wife’s work and I’ve had a tough 90 minute commute each way ever since. I worked extra hard, stayed late, and continued to do the job pretty well, but between being tired and older, I stopped enjoying it and I think my boss was less happy with me. I needed the work, however, so I soldiered along and never got a bad performance review, though it was hard feeling my boss and I were no longer as friendly as we used to be. Six months ago I decided it was time to retire—the kids have graduated college and the pension isn’t bad—so I announced it to my boss, and since then it’s gotten more painful. He didn’t hide his relief and immediately hired my replacement, whom I’m supposed to train. My goal is to get over feeling like I’ve failed at the job that I gave most of my life to, since they’re really glad to see me go.

No one who labors for ten years at a job requiring a three-hour daily commute in order to support his family and secure a pension should ever consider himself a failure, let alone give a shit what anyone else thinks, especially on your way out.

If your boss is eager to see you go, then that’s his problem; you gave him many years of good work and dedicated service, and countless hours suffering through gridlock and morning zoo radio shows.

You’ve held this job because you did it well and owe no one an apology if you haven’t been quite as sunny and positive for the last few years. Assuming you’ve put in your hours and offered a wealth of valuable experience to your clients and colleagues, your boss is lucky you’ve stuck it out these many years, and if, instead of acknowledging his good luck, he chooses to focus on the negative, that’s not worth worrying about.

In any case, you’re old enough to have your own standards about work and, particularly, what constitutes doing your particular job well, so you should be proud of what you’ve accomplished under trying circumstances. Your first priority was never to make your boss happy (although that’s always desirable), but to do good work, make a living, and get your kids a decent start in life. That’s what you’ve succeeded in doing, so by the standards that count—your standards—you should be proud. If you’re particularly sensitive to your boss’s mood, that’s too bad, but it’s doesn’t really matter.

Coming to this issue well-armed with experience, age, and wisdom, you have a good opportunity to put your sensitivity into perspective and assert your belief in the greater importance of your values. Appreciate how you’ve accomplished something most other people wouldn’t have the strength to do, i.e., the equivalent of mining sixteen tons of coal a day while moving through late middle age. So when your sensitive side laments the lack of respect you see in your boss’s behavior, allow your realistic side to give those thoughts the finger.

Don’t wait to say thank you after your boss and co-workers give you a good-bye party and the equivalent of a gold watch before starting to write your farewell address. Express pride in the services you’ve offered your clients and satisfaction in being able to help them and share your knowledge with colleagues. Let them know you’ve treasured the camaraderie and respect you’ve shared at the workplace, without mentioning your feeling disappointed over the last few years, that it hasn’t been as good as it used to be. Let them know that it was your love of the job that made you decide to stick with it, in spite of a long commute, and that you took particular pleasure in being able to maintain the quality of your work.

Now you’re ready to move on and accept new challenges, but you’re glad you were able to do a job you liked, that challenged you, that kept you thinking and learning, and provided you with colleagues you liked and respected. Even if they don’t respect you back, it doesn’t matter, especially if you can learn to respect yourself for all you’ve done.

STATEMENT:
“I feel like my work has been in vain because my boss is happy to see me leave the job I’ve spent my life doing, but I know how well I’ve performed my duties and how high the obstacles were that could have stopped me but didn’t. I’m proud of having supported my family. That’s what matters.”

My husband’s job turned out to be much less interesting than he thought it would be when he took it a year ago. His boss is a micromanager who doesn’t let him make key decisions about his own clients, and then doesn’t give him full credit for the income from their accounts. His performance reviews of my husband describe him as having weaknesses that are really not true. I think he expects him to shut up because he’s new and the job pays well, but my husband is very proud of his abilities—as am I—and feels strongly that he should never have to lick anyone’s ass or take disrespect, which has cost him jobs in the past. I know he’s going to tell his boss what he really thinks, and then we’ll have another long period of unemployment while we try to support our family on my part-time income. My goal is to prevent him from losing his job until he’s found another without crushing his spirit or giving him the feeling I don’t support him.

You need never worry about giving your husband confidence because you obviously respect his abilities, but it’s time to define a second job that he also needs to accomplish, and that’s keeping his thoughts to himself and his shit job intact until he finds something better. Keeping a shit job requires one to eat shit—it’s the nature of the job—and it happens often to people lacking independent means who are struggling to raise a family in tough economic times. Some people think that eating shit—tolerating humiliation—is demeaning, but you and I know that it’s the toughest and noblest job there is.

The first step in managing such a job is, of course, to define it by urging your husband to rely on his own experience and observations. You and he know what he’s capable of if he gets the opportunity and good leadership, but you both also know that his boss has limitations that apply to everyone, not just him.

So when his boss’s bad leadership causes humiliation, deflated numbers, and compromised performance reviews, you both understand that it’s not his fault or under his control. It’s not a regular job, but a shit job, and his job description is to do what he thinks is necessary under the circumstances.

Don’t tell him to shut up and keep from aggravating the boss, just that you know he’s good at what he does, you’re sorry his boss is an Asshole™, and you’re impressed with whatever he does to put bread on the table.

If he says he needs to let his boss know where he stands, tell him you think it’s totally unnecessary; as long as your husband knows his own value and believes in himself, his boss’ opinion is insignificant. Urge him to treat his boss as he would a client or a customer to whom he’s selling hamburgers. The customer isn’t always right, but he should always receive polite respect and no more disagreement than is absolutely necessary, because the purpose of doing business is doing business.

Urge him to think of ways to make his boss feel effective, particularly as a leader and advice-giver. Offer him honest scripts he can use, such as telling his boss he has learned a great deal from his leadership (without specifying what he has learned) or that he has given great thought to what he can improve in his reviews and is open to more advice, even if the advice he’d like to give in return to his boss is to go fuck himself.

Let your husband know, regardless of what he actually says to his boss or how long the job lasts, that you believe in him and you know how hard it is to hide how he really feels. If, however, he’s able to do the job of shit-eater in addition to his regular job, you’ll be even more impressed.

STATEMENT:
“I’m scared of what my husband is going to say to his boss about the unfair criticism he’s received, but I will let him know that I respect his own view of his abilities far more than I respect his boss’s and that I also have great respect for his ability to show his self-respect by keeping his true opinions to himself, and bullshitting his way through a tough situation.”