Nature Versus Searcher

Posted by fxckfeelings on May 23, 2013

As we often say, approaching dating as a “search for love” is like trying to keep people safe by starting a “war on terror;” since you can’t date love and you can’t kill hate, your quest is likely to be frustrating. Sometimes people doing a mate-search have a good idea about what to look for but don’t have the good work habits they need for the job. Others with fine work habits get staggered when the carefully chosen prince or princess they kiss turns out to be a frog. Remember, unless you’re very lucky, any search requires both a disciplined method and an acceptance of the fact that good matches are hard to find. The less romantic you are in your methods, the more romantic you can let yourself feel later on, but at the outset, figure out exactly who, not what, you’re looking for, in order to have good—or any—results.
–Dr. Lastname

I’ve struggled with depression several times in the past (that I’ve gotten out of through exercise, counseling and little cognitive therapy workbooks), so sad feelings are hardly new to me. But the sudden way they come about lately has me really freaked out. I actually like my job. If I let my work pay for more schooling, and I stick with it, I could make a really good life for myself. These mood swings seem to mostly exaggerate sad feelings I already have about not getting any and might be related to PMS, although I’ve never had period-related mood swings like this before in my life. Despite being an attractive, young girl that likes to go out and be social, I’ve never had a long-term boyfriend. I’m so frustrated that I can’t find a guy that I’m both attracted to and think is a good person, and that likes me back. (Habits like spending money on expensive clothes instead of student loans, and drinking lots on the weekends don’t help.) I eventually want babies (I think I would be a great mom), a partner, a garden, and to be a good person so my goal is to somehow control these mood swings, and maybe take online dating a little more seriously. I just want your opinion first.

From what you’ve said, my opinion isn’t far from your own; your values and goals are good, but your habits and mood swings aren’t. You’ve found a job you care about and want to get better at, but between dips of depression, drinking, and being distracted by the wrong guys, you’re stuck.

It’s not unusual for depression to push people into bad habits, like drinking and other feel-better-now-sorry-later activities, just in case the disease alone isn’t doing enough to make you feel like a pathetic loser who can’t get work done or have normal social relationships.

As you’re well aware, it takes time, lots of practice, and even worksheets to keep your perspective and hold your ground against an invasion of negative depressive thoughts. If you want my opinion on that specifically, I think it sucks, but there’s no way around it, and drinking only makes them worse.

The good news is that you may be able to reduce the symptoms by cutting back on your drinking and trying antidepressant medication. There’s no guarantee medication will work, but when depression interferes with your ability to do your job, the risk and bother of medication trials are worth considering. Compared to the impact of depression on your life, the risk of medications is low.

You would also benefit from having a coach and/or a support group who are also struggling to control their behavior in order to help you focus, not on feeling better, but on doing better when you feel lousy. A coach could help you develop your own rules for safe, constructive dating that are simple, business-like, and draw on your own experience. You make up a list of the qualities you know you need in a candidate, focusing on strengths and accomplishments that aren’t hard to verify from references and knowledge of a candidate’s track record.

Then you resolve to avoid dating anyone who does not have these essential qualities and to be careful about getting too close until you’re sure, not just that they like or love you, but that they have these qualities. It’s OK to go online to look for love, but get your priorities in line first.

In my opinion, you know what you need to do, but your depression has you intimidated and fearful of the work you need to do. If you can acknowledge your depressive swings and bad habits without shame, you’ll get stronger at managing them.

You may not feel as good in the short run, but you’ll be much happier with who you are and have a much better chance of finding a good partner and building a strong family. You’ll never feel good 100% of the time, but at least you’ll feel better about feeling bad.

STATEMENT:
“I feel like I’m getting nowhere with my personal life in spite of good talents and opportunities, but I know that depression has hit me pretty hard and that I can’t control it. I’ve never let it stop me and I will learn new ways to keep it from controlling my life and interfering with my most important goals.”

I’ve always assumed I’d be a great father because I’m a teacher, love kids, and nothing gives me more satisfaction than helping them learn, grow and have a good time. It seemed natural then to fall in love with another teacher, get married and start a family. When she suddenly dumped me, two weeks before our wedding, it came without warning (I later found out she’d done something similar before) and it really destroyed my faith in my values. Now that I’ve learned you actually can go wrong falling for a good person who loves kids, I don’t know who I can trust and so I’ve avoided dating. I’ve been introduced to some women, but I find myself instantly finding reasons not to trust them. I just no longer feel that I have any guarantee that I’ll find a good partner and I don’t ever want to go through that kind of loss and disillusionment again. My goal is to find a way to get my faith back.

Doing good is said to be its own reward, particularly when it leads to good feelings like the ones you get from teaching kids, but the real test comes when the reward goes missing which, sooner or later, it does. That’s what happens when you teach a good class but the kids’ parents don’t like you, or when you fall in love in what you thought was the right way with the right person and you get left at the altar. The true test of your values is whether they’re still worthwhile even when the results suck.

My guess, from what you’ve written, is that your values continue to matter, which is why you still enjoy teaching kids. The pain of getting dumped, however, has caused you to question the fairness of things, which is a particularly important issue for schoolteachers, who dedicate themselves to creating fair environments for kids. When life treats those teachers unfairly, however, it often cuts deeper than it would for people who are just trying to get by and less invested in creating a just world for their students.

As usual, negative feelings create a vicious circle of negative ideas and actions that can confirm and realize your worst fears: mistrust and disillusionment cause you to stay away from dating, which makes you more lonely and depressed, which makes you more vulnerable to negative thinking and, if the wrong person comes along, bad dating. Yes, locking yourself in a tower usually leads to bad and infrequent romances as well as more visits to the shrink (thanks) and your snack shelf.

So don’t wait for your fears to go away or for life to show that it really is fair and full of meaning. Take the values you already believe in, combine them with your recent, sad experience, and start dating again. Your experience should give you the wisdom to never neglect your dating homework or allow love, lust, or loneliness to push you into a relationship until you’ve done your background check and learned the facts about a person’s past relationships and behavior under fire. You can find what you’re looking for, but you’ll have to work harder to find her.

Whether or not you find her quickly, expect to become a better teacher. No, you can no longer promise kids that people will be nice to them if they’re nice, or that things will always work out better if you can just talk things out. What you can now teach them, however, is that some people can be good friends and some people can’t, no matter how much you like them, so you’d better learn how to tell the difference and act accordingly.

If the heartbreak disillusioned you, so much the better. Armed with your good values and a stronger sense of the world’s dangers and limitations, you’re ready to teach kids about survival in the real world and give yourself a better chance of finding the partner you deserve. Nobody enjoys their time at the school of hard knocks, but at least you’re ready to graduate.

STATEMENT:
“I feel like my life’s goals are meaningless if my love is worth nothing, but I know that’s not true. I’m now ready to protect myself while I search for someone who is truly worth loving, using the values I still believe in.”