Self-Critical Condition

Posted by fxckfeelings on April 30, 2013

Compulsive self-criticism and sensitivity to criticism are often innate traits, like a bad sense of direction, or a lactose intolerance. Whether someone excoriates themselves undeservedly or resists constructive advice that would save them from disaster, opposing those poisonous instincts will often make them worse. Just because people are carried away by self-destructive tendencies, however, doesn’t mean they don’t have common sense methods for judging other people’s actions. If they can be encouraged to draw on those strengths, they can learn to stand up to their instincts and accept good suggestions. Just because someone has a bad sense of direction for their own lives and a criticism intolerance doesn’t mean they’re innately screwed.
–Dr. Lastname

I’ve always had a contentious relationship with my little brother– I love him, but he’s the baby, and his spoiled brat act always drives me nuts. He assumes I’m trying to criticize him if I offer advice or even ask him questions about his life, but I’m just worried because he recently announced he’s about to marry a woman who’s fifteen years older than he is, and he gets defensive whenever I try to ask even the simplest questions about her, like whether she has kids or has been married before. I wish I could get him to delay the wedding and get to know her better, or let the rest of us get to know her better, because we’re a big family but we’re very close. My goal is to get him to hear me when I try to explain to him why he’s probably doing the wrong thing.

Until the magical day when somebody actually directly asks someone to explain to them exactly how they’re fucking up, telling anyone why and how they’re doing the wrong thing is a bad idea. Turns out most people are touchy about being told they’re acting like idiots, particularly when it’s true.

So instead of trying to persuade your brother that you’re sincere ·(in believing he’s an idiot), borrow a page from professional consultants and start out by building him up and showing respect. Tell him how happy you are that he’s found someone to love and is ready to take on the responsibilities of partnership. Use Botox on your face if necessary to hide your emotions and keep your true feelings to yourself.

Then urge him to assess the future of his partnership; you can do so without implying that he’s an idiot for not having done it already by suggesting that being engaged gives him a unique opportunity to look for certain problems that can sometimes prevent two good, loving people from becoming good partners.

As they share more responsibility for chores and finances, he can see how well his fiancée does her part, makes spending and saving decisions, and negotiates differences. Spending more time together can also show him how well they accept one another’s bad moods and weaknesses. Don’t imply that you’ve discovered obstacles he’s ignoring— instead, express curiosity about his efforts to gather information that he needs to make a good decision.

Chances are, of course, that he won’t change his mind about getting married. If you’ve advised him well, however, he may remember your questions and use them at some time in the future, particularly if conflict develops.

You probably can’t protect him from a bad choice and heartache by schooling him in how his choices suck, but you can give him the tools and questions he can use to protect himself going forward.

STATEMENT:
“I feel like my brother is about to fuck up as he usually does and that he’ll hate me if I give him anything less than total approval. I know, however, that I can give him good advice while staying very positive, as long as I keep my real fears and concerns to myself.”

My wife is a wonderful woman and we’ve raised a great family together, so I don’t know why she doesn’t have a lot of confidence, but she doesn’t. Almost every day she’ll find some opportunity to blame herself for some mistake that wasn’t really a mistake, just something that turned out badly. I know where her self-criticism comes from—my mother-in-law was a witch—but the insight doesn’t change anything. I’ve told her many times I think she’s wonderful and I remind her about all the good things she’s done, but she doesn’t listen, which eventually pisses me off. My goal is to figure out a way to give her the confidence she deserves and get her to stop the endless self-criticism.

It may seem strange, frustrating, and even a little insulting when your wife can’t respond to your praise and respect, but don’t worry. It’s not because you’re not important to her; it’s because self-criticism like hers is an automatic reflex that is far beyond anyone’s ability to control. She’s just allergic to praise, so don’t take her adverse reaction personally.

Don’t believe the therapists who talk about such compulsive self-criticism as evidence of low self-esteem, implying that it would go away if treatment could help her feel better about herself, because, more likely, the problem works the other way around; your wife has not lacked the self-esteem to be an effective partner and mother but she has a strange, compulsive urge towards self-criticism that can’t be helped, and the idea that she should be able to control it makes her feel like a failure.

Don’t make her feel bad about herself, then, by urging her to change something she can’t. Instead, urge her to develop her own procedures for determining whether she’s fucked up, regardless of what the demon says.

While accepting her self-critical instincts, ask her to be explicit about the value-based criteria she would use to judge a friend and urge her to use those criteria to judge herself. Insist that, if the judgment she derives from using these criteria differs from her instinctive self-criticism, she should stand up for what she believes is true.

You won’t get far by telling her that she should stop criticizing herself, because she can’t, but if you remind her that she has good tools for making rational judgments about her guilt and that it’s her obligation, not yours, to protect herself from undeserved criticism, she can develop a praise tolerance. That’s regardless of whether the negativity comes from her witchy mother or the witchy voices inside her head.

STATEMENT:
“I wish I could protect my wife from her irrational self-criticism and it’s frustrating that I can’t, but I know she can’t help it and no one has every been able to get her to stop it. I believe, however, that she has the ability to judge herself rationally according to deeper values and, if her rational judgment contradicts her instinctive self-criticism, that she’s the one who should oppose her self-critical urges, particularly by not giving them voice.”