Family Canning

Posted by fxckfeelings on March 25, 2013

Some families are horrible to live with because, although everyone means well, their individual suffering and sensitivity make them act badly, while, with other families, a rejection-sensitive demon-spawn who does not mean well is torturing the clan from within and acting like a terrible beast. So, before letting your own family-focused feelings drive you into conflict or away from the fold, ask yourself how well your family members can behave and under what circumstances. Sometimes better behavior management can help their good intentions overcome their bad moods; other times, the only way to help is to build a solid wall, slip out the door, and solder it shut, like you mean it.
–Dr. Lastname

I feel like the depression and anxiety issues of my husband and three sons is literally sucking the life out of me. There are days here and there when one of them will be in a good mood, but for the most part it’s gloom and doom, and their inability to make a decision about ANYTHING has become equally exhausting. I know they can’t “snap out of it”, just “get over it” etc., and they’re all receiving professional care…but honestly, after a couple of years of this, I’m wearing down. I have lupus, and while I’m generally a positive, happy sort of person, I’m at the point where I really do need their assistance sometimes. I’m starting to feel like my hair could be on fire and no one would even notice, much less get up to help. Sometimes I can get one of them to take the dog out, or bring the laundry downstairs, but it practically takes an act of congress to make it happen…and we all know how that process goes. I want to be supportive, and feel I’ve done my best to be patient and tolerant…but how do I protect my own health and sanity while this situation drags on?

If your family has turned into a misery association that is dragging you down, imagine if it was possible to quit your current family and find a new one. After all, If a workplace is often compared to a family, then it should not be hard to picture leaving your position at Misery and Frustration Inc. for a position elsewhere.

This fantasy also forces you to think about your own goals in life, aside from your response to their depressed feelings and unhelpful, apathetic behavior. As a parent, it’s easy to put those things on the back-burner while you try to make them happy, but as a professional, you’re supposed to think about what needs to get done before quitting time.

Ask yourself how you would run things if you were to start over, assuming that your new family members, like regular office drone co-workers (and your family), couldn’t be expected to stick to a schedule or initiate a task without supervision, but might respond to clearly stated rules, procedures, and incentives.

Of course, it’s hard to act like a school principal or camp director with your own family without responding emotionally to their moods and attitudes, and even harder if you have lupus, which can make people extra sensitive. Nevertheless, it’s helpful to borrow a page from the book of an administrator and ask yourself, given your overview of the tasks that need to be accomplished, who should do what and when.

With your new corporate attitude, build a schedule around the family to-do list, being fair while taking into account any weaknesses that you think aren’t going to change. Don’t moralize about how people should follow through without having to be reminded. Instead, assume everyone is brain-damaged and set up a big calendar with a daily score showing who accomplished their tasks today and thus deserves a tasty reward. Provide nightly reminders at dinner about what people have to do tomorrow.

True, it’s unfair that the burden for providing this management service falls on you instead of being more evenly shared, particularly with your husband. If you let your anger about this unfairness color family interactions, however, things will get worse. Better to suck up the anger, do the management, and smile, smile, smile, particularly when they get it right.

Don’t hesitate to get coaching from a therapist, assuming you can find one who’s good at it (it’s more a matter of the therapist’s personality than training, so do interviews before deciding). Focus less on venting and more on improving their performance, if not their moods, as a way of protecting yourself.

You may never get the fantasy family or the golden parachute, but if you change your approach, you might still be able to get them to get the job done.

STATEMENT:
“I feel infected by my family’s apathy and grumpiness, but I love them and know we all do better when we are active, moving, and doing our jobs. Instead of expecting people to see what they need to do and do it, I will spell out their tasks and commissions for work done. I will praise them for good work accomplished while feeling draggy rather than let them drag themselves and me down.”

I feel totally trapped by my mother. She hasn’t spoken to me in 20 years and I feel nothing for her at this point, but I never know when she’s going to stir up trouble in the family by telling horrible, toxic lies about what I’ve done to her and said about other family members. The only thing I’ve ever actually done was object when I found out she was underfunding the education of some of my half-siblings (she’s been married way too many times), in spite of being pretty rich, and sending them away to live with their fathers as quickly as possible, even though a couple of her ex-husbands were abusive. I’m perfectly happy with my own life—great wife, nice kids—but my mother is getting old and I know she’s spread the word that she never gets to see her grandchildren because I won’t let her, which isn’t the truth because I can’t prevent her from doing something she’s never asked to do in the first place. Her avoiding us has been a blessing because I really don’t want to have any kind of fight with her—I don’t know what I’d do if she showed up on my doorstep, so I’m afraid to say anything positive to family or to her for fear that she will. My goal is to avoid being trapped by her craziness and figure out how to keep her away without seeming mean to the rest of the family or feeling guilty myself.

Sometimes the total inevitability of someone else’s nastiness frees you, not to be nasty, but to be firmly protective of yourself and your family without guilt. Other people may interpret your protective actions as retaliatory or mean, but you’re the only one who knows the truth, no matter what they choose to think.

If your mother could mellow out a bit and truly enjoy a relationship with her grandchildren, then you might well be obliged to forget past grievances and give your kids a chance to get to know her. This would also show them that you value kindness and making the best of relationships far more than grudges and punishment.

Unfortunately and fortunately, however, the facts of your mother’s life suggest that she can’t stop her friendliness from turning into disappointment, injury, grievance, and what she views as justified retaliation. She’s the most dangerous kind of Asshole™, whose grievances give her the right to punish those who have taken advantage of her love and generosity. The more her God-given right to wrath makes her dangerous, the more it gives you a right and responsibility to keep your distance.

Decide for yourself then whether she is unmanageably dangerous. Don’t focus on how helpless she’s made you feel or how outrageously she’s acted, but whether she’s ever able to stop herself, in the end, from feeling injured and then harming others. If, putting aside your feelings and relying on the facts, you see no reason to believe that kindness and love can stop her monster transformation, then trust what you know. Remember, caring what others think just gives power to her most destructive weapon—victimhood that authorizes release of her patented Biblical punishment.

Don’t wait until you’re too angry to set limits on her behavior, because then you’ll be too late. Instead, compose a friendly note that describes your intention to postpone direct meetings as necessary and for the best. You can wish her well and regret the necessity, but with a tone of conviction, and without excessive apology or explanation.

You didn’t choose to have a dangerous mother and she probably has no choice over it either. Once you’re sure you can’t change her, however, even with all the love in the world, don’t give yourself grief when you decline to invite her or be invited. Take pride in the fact that you can do what’s necessary, regardless of what others say, of your own doubts, and the sadness you have to endure. Sadly, but not surprisingly, being the spawn of an Asshole™, you’re bound to feel like shit.

STATEMENT:
“I hate to be mean to my mother but, if I’m nice, I’m terrified she’ll come for a visit. I know, however, that I have good reason to fear her destructiveness, and that I can protect my family by doing what’s necessary and ignoring the opinion of others.”