Rejective Measures
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 18, 2013
When you feel misunderstood or criticized by someone you really need a good relationship with and aren’t a hypnotist, warlock, or mob boss, you probably feel like you lack the power (or powers, or firepower) to find a desirable resolution. Still, don’t think your only choice is to figure out what’s wrong and try harder, or figure there’s no hope and walk away. Instead, ignore their agenda, re-approach the situation with your own idea of what’s best, and talk actively about it while refusing to talk about topics that have been beaten to death. The other person will either find it’s better to follow your lead, or, if s/he doesn’t, you’ll know you didn’t walk away without giving it your best effort on your own, regular-guy terms.
–Dr. Lastname
I need to figure out how to do better during job interviews. I thought I was fully prepared for the last one—I’d researched the company and was ready to discuss the experience and training that made me qualified for the position—and then they ambushed me by asking a series of probing, uncomfortable psychological questions about what I’d do or have done in difficult situations when I’m angry or in conflict, and I got tongue-tied. I’m just not glib or confident when I’m surprised or anxious, so I feel like I showed them I don’t have good self-esteem. My goal is to be prepared to handle anything they throw at me, so I can be competitive in a tough job market.
Job interviews always feel like performances aimed at getting people to want to hire you, but that’s really not the truth. That’s like going on a blind date with a guy who has Nazi tattoos and lives in a dumpster but worrying only about whether or not he’s impressed with you (and if you so much as live in a car, he should be).
While you certainly don’t want to stroll into an interview straight from a jog, with uncontrollable gas, or physically fighting a bad case of lice, your job is to discover whether you and the job would be a good match and to confirm that you really know what your resume and references say you know. Regardless of its pay or prestige, you don’t want a job you can’t see yourself doing.
Instead of preparing for an interview by simply focusing on ways to make yourself more attractive, review your past job experiences to remind you what has made jobs unworkable for you, and use that information, as well as your positive work experiences, to prepare a list of your own needs and questions you can ask about them. As with love, your worst breakups often tell you how to ignore superficial attractiveness, zero in on the essentials, and make a good match.
Don’t fault yourself for not being quick and glib; glibness may give an impression of self-confidence, but so does being slow and careful if that’s your real style, and you want employers to hire you for your real strengths, not your appearance. If they fault you for being tongue-tied by an intrusive stress interview, then the bottom line is that they’ve shown you something bad about who they are and you wouldn’t want to work there.
Putting aside their rapid-fire inquiries into the way you handle stress, never feel obliged to share your feelings with an interviewer, just the way you manage them. Don’t tell them about the time an angry colleague made you cry, but about the way you’ve learned how to manage a difficult confrontation and try to give them a successful example that is at least hypothetical if it can’t be real.
Even if they ask you directly about your feelings, don’t feel obliged to answer the question in the terms it was asked. You might’ve once reacted badly when you were criticized for something you didn’t do, but talk instead about the methods you’ve since learned for responding to criticism while avoiding emotional statements, then describe an incident when it worked well. You’re not there to analyze yourself, but to let them know how well prepared you are to manage nastiness and stress with professionalism.
Given the research you did for this job, there was nothing wrong with your preparation or your self-esteem. So, if they rejected you on the basis of your response to this interview, knowing your resumé, then they’re not your kind of people. They’re not homeless skinheads, but they’re not the right employers for you.
If they want your response after you have time to think about it, then no problem, but the important thing is that you’re doing the job-search job right and don’t deserve to second-guess yourself just because you ran into a shit-storm. That’s just part of the job-search job, just like bad dates are part of doing a good job finding a mate. Keep up this approach, and you’ll find an impressive interviewer sooner than later.
STATEMENT:
“Failing to respond well to a probing job interview leaves me humiliated and angry at myself, but I know I’m good at searching for work, preparing for interviews, and sizing up how well I can do the work and get along with management. If a prospective employer can’t communicate well with me, the job isn’t the right one for me.”
I’ve just about had it with my husband. I still love him and wish we could stay together for the sake of our daughter, but he’s nasty every day when I come home, picking on me for things I haven’t done and forgetting the fact that I do twice as much as he does. He’s a recovering alcoholic who’s been sober for a year, but he uses nastiness as a way of relieving stress now that he can’t drink, and just won’t stop. The more I try to get him to see how unfair he’s being, the worse he gets. My goal is to get away from this abuse.
Before giving up on the idea of improving someone’s behavior, whether that someone’s an adult or child, remember that some people respond to firm limits even when they don’t agree with what you’re doing or why you’re doing it. When you get nowhere by repeatedly explaining to your husband why his accusations are mean, unfair, and unjustified, it’s reasonable to conclude that he’s a jerk you can’t trust.
On the other hand, if better behavior might make him OK to live with, in spite of these minor flaws, you may still be able to get what you want. Before you pin down the behavior that needs to stop, however, you must first convince yourself that the limits you’re going to draw are right and for the best; since he’s not going to agree, you’d better be sure of yourself.
So come up with a rough definition of your freedom from bad speech. It probably includes not being criticized repeatedly for shit you’re sure you didn’t do wrong and/or in a nasty tone of voice. The worse your husband’s behavior, the easier it should be for you to define, not what he does that you dislike most, but what you believe is both undeserved and bad for your relationship. Then describe the behavior you want him to stop in clear, simple terms and devise a response that discourages him from continuing that behavior without forcing you to express any intense or negative feelings or causing you any more discomfort than necessary.
Finally, write an announcement of your new policy and procedure that is positive, firm, brief, and in no way invites prolonged discussion. Writing it down gives you an opportunity to edit out defensiveness, anger, and negativity while letting him know exactly where you stand, why you feel that way, and what will happen if he continues the behavior you object to (an example announcement is below).
If you believe in what you’re doing and execute your plan consistently, you may be able to train him out of bad behavior. Then, afterward, you can tell him how pleased you are that things have improved. In the worst case, if he doesn’t stop, you’ll know you’ve done your best and that, if you’re leaving, it’s because he just couldn’t control himself, and not because you didn’t try hard enough.
STATEMENT:
To be delivered to the husband: “I think it’s great that you’ve stopped drinking, but I still have a problem with the angry, negative tone of our conversations when I get home. I think they’re bad for everyone because the issues are either old or could be dealt with quietly when we have the time. From now on, I’m not going to take part in such conversations and I won’t stay in your vicinity if you don’t stop. With all respect, I refuse to get drawn into the kind of negative discussion we both want to avoid.”
