A Less Perfect Union
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 28, 2013
Between the scary finality of a legally binding union and the hysteria and excess that go into most modern weddings, marriage often creates a vortex of expectations, chaos and terrible bridesmaid’s shoes that suck in unwilling and innocent bystanders and cause others to run away from the process entirely, even if they should be at the altar themselves. If you find yourself getting sucked into marital mayhem, ask yourself whether your relationship, be it to the bride or groom or as the bride or groom yourself, meets your definition of friendship or partnership, not just in terms of intense feelings but also actions over time. Then you can decide for yourself what and how much you want to commit, regardless of anyone’s expectations, and use that knowledge to either gather the strength to resist the pull of marital-mania or jump in with both feet.
–Dr. Lastname
My friend is getting married on my birthday, but my husband has planned to take me away for that weekend, so it’s created a bit of a dilemma that goes deeper than just the wedding. This friend is an old friend from school who was never particularly nice to me—in fact, she asked me to be bridesmaid, but then changed her mind. My husband says I don’t owe anything but I feel guilty for not being there in her big day. My husband emailed her saying we would miss the wedding and she responded by saying we’ve known the date for ages and can we change the dates. I would rather go away but how can I make peace with myself over the decision?
Given how many labels we’ve created for people with whom we have romantic relationships—partner, spouse, boy/girlfriend, “it’s complicated”—it’s frustrating that, when it comes to platonic, non-professional relationships, the only word out there seems to be “friend.”
Because of this, you can use “friend” to describe someone you talk to everyday, and someone you are merely linked with on the internet, and someone who treats you as poorly as the “friend” you describe.
So, even if she’s never been particularly nice to you and invited-then-disinvited you to be her bridesmaid, she might still technically fall under the definition of friend, but her behavior, not her title, should have you asking yourself why you’ve imposed on yourself the obligations of close friendship.
Just because she says you’re a close friend and that she would feel unsupported if you couldn’t attend her wedding doesn’t mean she is actually a close friend. You’re already smart enough to have judged her on the basis of her actions over the years rather than her professed feelings, but you have to respect your own judgment and use it to repel all the guilt she’s trying to throw your way.
When faced with wedding-associated guilt feelings, girls normally ask guys what they think because guys tend to take less responsibility for other people’s feelings, being less capable of reading them in the first place and putting less importance on them even when they’re read accurately. For that reason, guys are considered less “nurturing” but more “objective” in this kind of situation. In actuality, however, you should make it your own business to judge what you owe someone in this situation, regardless of your nurturing instincts or their ability to make you feel guilty/responsible for their feelings. Life is full of Bridezillas, and bad friends in general. It’s your job to stand up to them by knowing what you think is right.
So review the give and take of your relationship and decide what you would expect a friend to do for you if you had treated that friend as this bride has treated you. If you decide she hasn’t treated you well, then congratulations, you can let yourself off the hook; not only do you skip the ritual humiliation of paying for having to wear something intentionally ugly and being bossed around, but you also get to skip the whole fucking mess and have a nice holiday on your birthday.
There may be a part of you that will nag you with guilt, and it may be worse if she accuses you of letting her down, but that’s a nasty feeling you will have to bear if you expect to follow your own judgment and be your own woman.
Don’t expect your husband or shrink to make you feel good about this; decide what’s right, do it, and tell your nasty guilt you don’t care how you feel, you’re off for a well-deserved vacation. Be your own best friend, and treat yourself right.
STATEMENT:
“Some people may think I insulted my friend by skipping her wedding, but I’m a good judge of how good a friendship really is and I’m confident that my response is appropriate. I will not be drawn into defending myself for behaving badly when I haven’t. I will express regrets for not being able to come and my good wishes for her marriage and future life.”
I get along well with my girlfriend and I’m happy we’re going to have a baby, but I just don’t feel ready to get married. I saw how marriage was a trap for my father that gave my mother permission to nag the hell out of him until he finally fled, and I sympathized with him, even though my mother had to work all the time and he didn’t see me and my sisters that much. I don’t want that to happen to me or our relationship. My girlfriend says she’s worried I’m going to bail once the baby comes, so my goal is to get her to understand that our relationship will be healthier if it’s based on love instead of on a legal contract that that we’re not ready to sign and that encourages us to take one another for granted, anyway.
It’s natural to want to save your love from the nastiness that babies always seem to cause when the person carrying one gets tired and wants to transfer responsibility to his or her partner. The most loving people and rational people in the world find reason to wonder where were you when they needed you and refuse to help you due to how exhausted they were from doing everything themselves. It would be nice if romance and the absence of a binding contract could protect your love from baby-driven bickering and recrimination, but it actually works the other way. The vaguer your commitment, even if it’s profound and sincere, the more likely you are to be doubted, mistrusted, and blamed for your baby’s problems and partner’s frustrations.
Meanwhile, regardless of a wedding, you’re going to have to pay for that baby, and you won’t ever get the benefits of fatherhood if you don’t spend time and do the dirty work. The big question for you then isn’t whether you feel ready to get married, because, with a baby on the way, marriage is besides the point—you have to figure out whether a marital contract will help you move forward and be the father and partner you want to be.
Of course, if you want to minimize your involvement with your girlfriend and child, then marriage isn’t for you, but you seem to be saying that you and your girlfriend work well together and that you place a high value on your relationship with her and your future child. So ask yourself whether you’ll be better off trying to start a family in close partnership with her, or trying later with someone else when you have fewer resources to offer and work with because you’re supporting two families. Forget whether you feel ready or comfortable, because ready or not, here baby comes; instead, consider the financial reasons for trying to make this thing work now.
You might also gain confidence from figuring out a way to respond to criticism that doesn’t require submission or running away, assuming for a moment that you do a fathering job that measures up to your own standards and your wife unloads on you the way your mother did on your father. Work with a therapist or coach if necessary to prepare a response that doesn’t apologize for things you didn’t do wrong while respecting your wife’s right to believe you’re in the wrong.
With a little work, you can learn to protect yourself from being driven into behaving like your father, even if you can’t prevent bickering, criticism, and hurt, which are an unavoidable part of running a family and raising a child. If that’s what you want to do, then prepare to meet and manage some tough feelings, then decide whether marriage and being a husband will help or hurt your effort to be the best father you can be.
STATEMENT:
“I’m scared of what marriage will do to the most important relationship in my life, but I love my girlfriend, I have confidence in our ability to work together, and I want to be a good father. If marriage will help me achieve that goal, I’m for it, regardless of whether I feel ready.”
