Assholes D’Amour

Posted by fxckfeelings on February 25, 2013

While sappier-types, producers of Lifetime movies, and Twi-hards would disagree, love and sex are, at their core, evolutionary tools that trick us into commitment; as the relationship progresses and the novelty fades, we’re left with something much less fun and sexy, but a lot more secure and important. If you refuse to accept that, however, continually searching for relationships based only on emotion or getting restless at the commitment stage, you’ll end up frustrated, lonely, and watching way more Lifetime movies than anyone should. If evolution gave us romance and love to bring people together, it’s the way relationships evolve beyond feeling that make them lasting and worthwhile.
–Dr. Lastname

I dated a guy for ten years, since junior year of high school. During the time we were dating I never felt like I needed a best friend– I had friends, but not a clique or group to call my own. I never could experiment with anything because he would get mad, so maybe I would have been more wild or fun if I wasn’t with him. He is very social, outgoing, and almost pompous, but never to his friends, just to people who were almost a little uncool. I think he’s a little uncool, because I believe he has a drinking problem, money problem, and low expectations in life, which as his girlfriend bothered me. Now we broke up because I cheated on him, but it’s been six months, and I want him back. He’s having fun hooking up with girls, and I get jealous when he goes somewhere without me. It hurts. I have friends who tell me to forget about him and move on, but I can’t. We hook up and it’s the best feeling when I’m next to him, but when I see him with another girl it feels like when we first broke up all over again. I know that he drinks too much and doesn’t have any ambition, and that it’s because of him that I never got to figure out who I really am or make any close friends, and because of that I don’t know how to cope with being by myself. Lately I’ve felt what I think are panic attacks. I don’t know how to deal without him, but I just want to get over him and be happy.

Like a drug, dating can be exciting and make painful feelings disappear, like loneliness and boredom. It can also make you into a huge Asshole.

Just as being an Asshole isn’t a pre-requisite for being an addict but addiction comes with automatic Asshole-status, dating for the emotional high can make you into an Asshole, even if you weren’t one to begin with.

If you’re hooked on dating the same Asshole over and over again, you’re in even more trouble, since Asshole-ism can be a venereal disease that can’t be stopped by hormones, latex, or the voice in your head telling you to leave this drunk loser for good.

The slide into becoming an Asshole starts when feeling good is your main reason for dating and you find yourself dumping and being dumped in reaction to every negative feeling that you and your boyfriend encounter. You then find yourself angry at guys for making you cheat and angry at them for dumping you when you don’t deserve it, because when you’re not feeling happy, you’re empty and it always feels like someone else is to blame.

For Assholes, it’s always someone else’s fault, even/especially if they’ve done their fair share of wrong. You may feel like he made you cheat or miss out on living life to the fullest, but you’re the one who made the choice to stick with him, despite his shortcomings, and then cheat on him, and then hook up again and again. And while it makes you feel bad to see him move on, you know what you have with him will only make you feel worse.

So put those feelings aside and decide what’s good for you, as opposed to what makes you feel good. If you decide, as I think you have, that you have no use for a guy who’s bad with drinking, money, and taking care of himself, then it’s your job to say goodbye and move on. Otherwise, you expose yourself to a world of persistent hurt, and the person who’s doing that isn’t him, it’s you. Whether you hang onto your ex-boyfriend because you love him or can’t stand being alone doesn’t matter; in the end, you’ve disrespected your values and your obligation to protect yourself.

Instead of being his victim, give yourself credit for breaking up a bad partnership and opening opportunities to grow, and, instead of hooking up with him, find ways to meet new people and use your experience to be more selective about choosing friends. Yes, you’ll miss him horribly, but there’s no avoiding it and it doesn’t matter compared with the importance of your finding something better. Suck it up and take care of yourself.

Don’t dwell on your misery when it can’t be helped, or it will control your decisions, as it has for the past decade. You don’t deserve it, but you’ll have to accept and ignore it if you want to make a better life.

Respect what you’ve learned over the past ten years, make your choices, and take pride in ignoring your pain while you go ahead and do what’s right for you. Consider the pain of moving on to be the anti-Asshole medication that will help you, not just get over an Asshole, but get rid of the Asshole within.

STATEMENT:
“I feel like my ex-boyfriend has trapped me, prevented me from growing, and stuck me with feelings of repeated rejection. I know what’s good for me, however, and he ain’t it. I will ignore loneliness and hurt as I build a better social life and find a good relationship, no matter how long it takes.”

My husband is a great father but, let’s face it, after 15 years the thrill is gone and I feel a real emptiness in my life where our love used to be. We used to be crazy about one another. Now, we don’t have that much to say to one another except whose turn it is to do carpool or help the kids with math homework, and one of the worst things is that it doesn’t bother him. When I dragged him to couples therapy, he couldn’t understand why I was unhappy and it became clear things aren’t going to change. My goal is to put love back in my life, even if it means leaving him and finding someone else.

Experiencing the excitement of being in love with a guy who loves you back can be as much curse as blessing, because it makes you believe in your ability to make yourself very, very happy, which means you’re now responsible for keeping the high going. In reality, of course, you know that lots of good people never get to experience that kind of intense high, and some not-so-deserving people do with the help of chemicals. So, there’s nothing wrong with enjoying being love-struck, just as long as you don’t get dependent or regard that state of mind as the ultimate benchmark of a successful marriage and personal fulfillment.

Of course, it can be lonely to live with someone if you don’t connect, even if you function well as partners and parents and don’t fight. Hard as it is, however, and much as you miss your courtship-high, don’t forget to tally up the way this partnership affects the things you value most, like the kids’ welfare and security. Splitting up means they don’t get the benefit of seeing you together and will probably see less parenting in general, as both of you work longer and harder to pay for the basics. You also can’t be sure of finding a better partner, given the relative scarcity of good guys who are good at commitment.

Don’t guilt yourself into sticking with your marriage, just add up the impact of divorce on whatever you value other than, or in addition to, the joy of loving. Someone once did a study of couples who stayed madly in love all their lives which suggested that they weren’t the best parents since they were too distracted. Once you have kids, being a good parent should trump being in a highly-passionate relationship.

Remember, regardless of how good it feels, it’s never good to love someone if it makes you forget your own values. Science tells us that love is, in part, programmed into our brains because it helps our offspring survive, just as fighting is programmed into guys’ brains when there’s a pretty girl around. Running your life according to your values rather than your programming takes work, but it’s what’s best for you and your family.

Since you’re wise to realize that trying to make your husband change is sure to make things worse, you’re now ready for the next step, which is to do a state-of-the-union appraisal using your values, not your pleasure-centers. If you do it right, you will know the right thing to do, and you can feel good about that, even if you can’t feel the thrill you once did.

STATEMENT:
“I feel like my marriage is a beautiful love affair that ran out of gas, but I care about my family as much as I care about love, so what I do next will depend on what I think is best, not what love directs.”