Speak and Destroy

Posted by fxckfeelings on February 4, 2013

Even though we now live in an age when communication is technically easier than ever, there are still plenty of people who have trouble interpreting other people’s words; their phone might get a clear signal, but their brain does not. Some people read too much into what others think of them while others are oblivious, but no matter how you tend to misinterpret your fellow man, don’t trust your feelings-skewed understanding until you’ve first looked at the evidence and given time and experience a chance to tell you whether you’re making the right call or dropping it.
–Dr. Lastname

My problem is a lack of trust and a great deal of insecurities. I am suspicious of my boyfriend and of my friends. I feel like everyone had ulterior motives, and I can’t help that being the first thing that springs to mind if someone is too busy to see me, or even if they ask me to do something with them (my thoughts – maybe they feel sorry for me). I feel sorry for myself, when I have no great reason too. My life isn’t so bad. This might not sound like much but to be tormented with it everyday… It feels like much. My goal is to trust and have more confidence in myself and in others.

It’s a mistake to lump mistrustful feelings together with mistrustful actions when you describe yourself as a mistrustful person; lots of people describe themselves as having bad tempers, but not all of them allow those tempers to land them in jail.

As such, if you mistrust your boyfriend enough to dump him for no reason or force him to list the reasons he loves you every day, then you’ve got a serious problem. Not serious enough to be criminal, but serious enough to be screwed.

If, on the other hand, you have mistrustful feelings but have nevertheless found yourself a trustworthy boyfriend and sustained a relationship that works for both of you, then you’ve got a painful syndrome that you’re managing very well; you’re not mistrustful, then, you simply feel mistrust.

Mistrust can also be a sign of depression, which likes to put lots of negative thoughts in people’s minds about being losers who are probably going to be dumped by friends who don’t really like them. Depression is renowned for its ability to distort feelings and beliefs, so check yourself out for other symptoms, like anger, sadness, and fatigue, and see a shrink, if you think you’ve got it, to find out what treatments are available.

Since you don’t describe any tortured behaviors, however, I’ll assume it’s your feelings alone that are the problem, that you’ve done what you can to figure out why you’re mistrustful, and that whatever insight you’ve achieved, whether obvious or subtle, from friend or professional, hasn’t changed your feelings.

If that’s what’s happened, it would certainly not be unusual; many good people tend to have negative ruminations, and more than half are women. It’s not fair, then, to assume you’re insecure or untrusting just because your mind fills up with insecure or untrusting thoughts and feelings, since actions are what count.

So don’t make it your goal to trust others. Instead, put your mistrust to good use and constructively evaluate the strength of your friendships. Watch carefully to see how they bear up under the test of time, and if there’s a good give-and-take during times of loss, sickness, economic inequality, and unemployment. Then trust your own findings and let evidence drown out your doubts.

Yes, you will probably continue to wonder why anyone wants to spend time with you or suspect that they’re hiding the bad things they really think about you, or working hard right now to arrange to have a party without you. You can’t help the tricks your mind plays, but you can work hard to reassure yourself that you aren’t stupid, you’ve checked things out carefully, you have good things to offer as a friend, and you think you’ve found the real thing.

If your doubts cause you to defeat yourself, get a good shrink/coach to help you get out of your own way. As long as you’re making a good effort to screen your friends and be a friend, however, you should be proud.

If you can do that while experiencing lots of doubt and mistrust, you should be even prouder; you might be a mistrusting person in theory, but not in action, and not totally screwed.

STATEMENT:
“I hate myself for being the most doubting, insecure person on earth, but I know how to look for friends, be a friend, and recognize real friendship. I’m proud of my ability to live with my doubts without acting on them.”

I love my girlfriend and I wouldn’t like to live with anyone else, but I’ve always had the feeling she’s a little naïve about how people react to her, which is usually part of her charm. Recently, though, I began to worry when she told me that she’s unhappy at her new job because people started to seem unfriendly after she tried to help them by giving some frank feedback that she thought would make the workplace more efficient. I know she prides herself on her honesty, and I love her for it, but I suspect she’s ruined her relationships at her new job and I’m not eager to support her through another long period of unemployment. My goal is to help her but I don’t know how.

When truth-tellers have a deep passion for the way things should be and aren’t, as well as an insensitivity to the way others are likely to respond to their confrontation, it’s hard to stop them from shooting themselves in the foot. It makes you wonder whether ideal-loving is sometimes a stronger passion than sex, with the capacity to do even more damage (just ask Ralph Nader, just don’t mistakenly think about him having sex). In this case, it may make your girlfriend unemployable, in spite of her being motivated, smart, and hardworking.

If you implore her to shut up, she may misunderstand your concern and categorize you as a supporter of moral compromise and an enemy of her own finer instincts. Trying to help her is worthwhile, but don’t blame her or yourself if you don’t succeed.

Of course, you have strong reasons for wanting to help her, including sparing her the pain of being fired and yourself the burden of having to support her indefinitely. You’ll be more effective in trying to help her, however, if you can keep strong emotions out of your discussion. Her passion for truth is passion enough, so don’t over-stimulate it with passion of your own.

Instead, invite her to consider the morality of her truth-telling in terms of its consequences, rather than of how it feels. Ask her to consider whether speaking the truth is more likely to help the people she wishes to confront to understand her point or, as is more common, make them feel threatened and find fault with her. In most cases, you will find evidence that her words will backfire and that her good deeds will be punished.

If she’s poor at reading emotional responses, ask her to describe in detail how people reacted to her previous suggestions, even offering to read their email responses. You may find her receptive to your translating what they say and do into a language she can understand.

While commending her motives, explain the logic of your concluding that her words will work out badly for her and not improve things for her company. Ask her to consider whether her priority is to make a living, or bring divine justice to an unfair world.

With luck, patience, and good self-control, you may be able to help her. If not, assure yourself that you’ve tried your best, accept the fact that her problem may imperil your partnership, and start your own truth-filled assessment of whether you can accept her the way she is.

STATEMENT:
“I’m worried that my girlfriend’s tendency to tell people their faults is going to cause her and us a lot of pain and force us to break up. I will do my best to help her reconsider her priorities and learn how to be diplomatic, and I will accept her if I can’t.”