Urge Protector

Posted by fxckfeelings on January 7, 2013

Talking is many things—an activity, a profession (ahem), an anathema in almost any public setting if done via cellphone—but it’s rarely a constructive, active solution to a personal problem. Talking about fears is a good way to avoid doing something about them, whether that means stopping bad behavior or taking a good risk. So, whether you’re talking in therapy or with a friend, don’t talk up your issues until you’ve talked with yourself about what you need to be doing and whether it’s worth the fear-fighting effort. Then, if your goals are worth the trouble, suck it up and limit your talk to your fear-fighting efforts, excluding what it would take to make you feel better, like talking about your fears, especially on a cellphone in an elevator.
–Dr. Lastname

My ultimate fear is this– that my girlfriend will be swayed by another man who is more handsome and stronger and more interesting than me. I am not a jealous guy normally, but when it comes to girlfriends, then I don’t trust them. I think I am what is called an “Anxious-Preoccupied” type person. I am never reassured of how much my girlfriend loves me, or how much she cares about me, and I always need more and more validation and confirmation. My clinginess and overly attachment is what killed my first two relationships. In the beginning they adored me and found me interesting, but as our relationship grew I would slowly become more and more scared, until it ended up being an almost self-fulfilling prophecy. When I am not with her, I fear she will be with some other man. She has never given me any reason to doubt her, besides the fact that she is a desired attractive female. It’s the unreasonable trust, and one a human being cannot give someone else, but the fear is killing me, and I want to end the relationship to this person whom I love deeply, but I know I will take my weird conditioning with me to the next relationship, anyway. I don’t know how to accept this likely outcome that can happen in every relationship. My father was a cheater, and he left me and my mom when I was five. I’ve had a bad relationship to him ever since. My stepdad cheated on my mom as well, and it killed me as a nine year old seeing my mother break down. Now I am 25, and have periods of confidence, but also bad ones (like when I become overweight, as I’ve yo-yo’ed through my teens and mid 20s). Right now I am in a bad period, 20 pounds overweight, and have no job. Maybe it’s no wonder that my confidence is low, but why can’t I slay this demon? Can you tell me what to do, because this is not only ruining my relationship, but also me as a person. I seem incapable of being close to anyone without destroying their respect for me with overly attached nature.

Despite the number of little Nevaehs and Aubreees out there, the act of naming someone or something is usually given a great deal of importance; giving something a name is a sign in itself that that person/bridge/boat etc. is consequential and valuable. Given that your fears should be neither of those things, however, taking the time to name them is an odd choice.

While you might hope that naming or explaining your fears will set you free or give you courage, the reality is that focusing on your fears can easily make them seem more important than what they prevent you from doing, and make you believe that you can’t act better until you feel better. Making your fears that important then, or at least as important as a yacht, is not a good place to begin.

Begin instead by considering the value of whatever it is your fear prevents you from doing, and whether fear is actually changing your behavior in a negative way. In your case, it doesn’t prevent you from starting close relationships, but then you start to beg for reassurance, which drives your girlfriends away.

Begging for reassurance is what your fear wants you to do for the sake of immediate relief. What you want to do, however, is nurture a potentially close and meaningful relationship. There’s no reason to name your fear when it’s already calling the shots.

Unfortunately, your reassurance-begging behavior has become an addictive habit that may be hard to break; unfounded jealousy can have OCD-like qualities. If understanding the reasons for an addictive behavior was any good at helping people stop, you’d have good reason for self-analysis, but unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. On the contrary, self-analysis helps you postpone the struggle for self-control by promising it won’t be necessary if you can just give your problems a title, which will do nothing to help you maintain your relationships in the meantime.

The real decision to make then isn’t whether you’re “anxious-preoccupied,” jealous, or a Capricorn, but whether shutting up about your need for reassurance is worth doing, even though that’s hard to do, in order to keep your girlfriends around. You’re likely to feel worse in the short run because your fear would have no outlet and your bad habit will want to take over. On the other hand, if you can stifle your self-expression, you may be able to spend good time with someone and develop a close relationship in spite of the negative worries crowding your mind.

If your girlfriend wondered why you seemed tense and unhappy, you could tell her that close relationships make you nervous, but they never make you run away and that you think you’ll get over your nervousness in the long run. Meanwhile, you’re crazy about her and that’s what counts. It’s true that, if she finds your nervousness off-putting, you might lose her, but that just means that you need someone less sensitive.

So don’t let fear drive you into self-confirming bad habits. If you can remember what you’re trying to accomplish, you can control your behavior and draw on your experience and wisdom to manage even your worst nightmare.

If you feel you really need to identify your obsessive behavior, use the name Jayden like everyone else and then get to the real business of getting it under control.

STATEMENT:
“I am haunted by fear of losing anyone I deeply love, but I know I’ve got a talent for starting relationships and hanging onto them even why my behavior gets pretty obnoxious. I will stop asking for reassurance and start looking for a partner who’s not too sensitive to my fears. I know I have a good chance of finding a partnership that will work.”

My long-term boyfriend has hurt me once again, and I wish I could get him to understand how much it’s affected me. We’re both divorced, have grown kids, and reached a stage in life where neither of us has much baggage, so we should be able to make something of the fact that we’ve been dating steadily and exclusively for 10 years. What gets to me is that, no matter how hard I try, he doesn’t want me to be a regular part of his life and won’t include me in gatherings with friends or family. He says he likes to keep part of his life separate and resents the way I try to push for more, but I tell him that there’s nothing wrong with wanting more from a relationship. My goal is to persuade him that I have a right to be unhappy with how he treats me and that I deserve better than this.

If you’re stuck arguing your boyfriend’s right to treat you the way he does, after he’s been doing it for 10 years, your need to stick with relationships while complaining about them is probably much stronger than your ability to make hard decisions about relationships and bear the pain of doing so. You seem old (and hopefully wise) enough to know that your boyfriend isn’t going to change and to be immune to wild, crazy, I-can’t-live-without-him love. So ask yourself whether a general kind of over-attachment has always made it hard for you to remember your own priorities when you feel let down, whether it’s by a boyfriend, boss, or child.

Of course, unlike the person above whose jealousy and need for reassurance are unfounded, you have a right to feel disappointed and to want a different relationship. To give yourself a choice over leaving or staying, however, you need to be aware of and attend to your own personal priorities other than by getting your boyfriend to satisfy them. Without that ability, you can’t manage yourself.

Talking to others about your problem—friends or therapist—may well make your problem worse if you do nothing other than vent or seek the source of your feelings. In addition to driving friends away and your therapist to the bank, such talk gives more importance to your feelings and attachment when what you need is to listen more to your own sense of what’s good for you.

Exercise your inner manager by drawing up a list of what you’re looking for in a relationship, not just in terms of feelings, but also behavior and values. Obviously, you want someone who’s faithful and whom you like to spend time with, as you do with this guy, but also someone who wants to share daily life and mutual responsibility for one another’s health and welfare, as life partners do. If this relationship falls short, as it does, you have a responsibility to yourself to continue your search. As long as you’ve let your boyfriend know where he stands, there’s nothing wrong with continuing your relationship with him until you find someone better—but to do so, you’ve got to stop your clinging, venting, and complaining and do your job.

When talking to others, keep your feelings to yourself, instead talking about what you’re doing to stop clinging and keep searching. If you slip back into old behavior, try to figure out what went wrong and how to do better tomorrow. If separating from him hurts, take pride in your ability to soldier on, since it’s the price you pay for being able to manage yourself.

Ultimately, you need to keep pursuing what you can reasonably get from him and stop pursuing what you can’t, all while pursuing what you want from the world. In the short run, you will hurt, but in the long run, you’ll have given yourself strength, a better chance of finding a partner, and (even more) wisdom to grow from.

STATEMENT:
“I feel like I want nothing other than to see more of my boyfriend or talk about him if I can’t, but I know those feelings tie me to a relationship that can’t give me what I need and deserve. Every day, I will own my own relationship goals and not blame him for my disappointment. I will give myself opportunities for a better relationship, regardless of how weak or needy I feel or how much I wish to talk with him or others about my disappointment.”