Just the Tact
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 20, 2012
When you believe in the value of a close family, it’s natural to take on the role of diplomat when a conflict between some of your nearest and dearest threatens to make you all distant and estranged. Unfortunately, there are some disagreements that can’t be resolved, be they by diplomat or total destruction, but that’s not reason to despair; there’s much you can do to be helpful and cement relationships that do work if you allow negative feelings to exist without blame, and respect the value of spending limited amounts of time with family you have to be with. After all, a good diplomat knows that peace isn’t found through open togetherness, but through respectful time apart.
–Dr. Lastname
Please note: There will be no post on Monday due to Christmas Eve. Happy holidays to all (and if that doesn’t happen, you know how to reach us).
My sister and I have been raised by our single mother, and I have excellent relationships with both of them. Unfortunately, my sister and our mother’s relationship has always been difficult and it’s getting worse. My sister recently revealed that she had been sexually abused by one of my mother’s boyfriends, and inexplicably, I felt like I knew it all along. My mother was obviously distraught by the news, although I don’t know that my sister and her have had any deep discussions around that issue. My sister did briefly see a shrink but never went on a full therapy. In a nutshell, I think my sister has built a lot of resentment towards my mother and their disagreements/fights are becoming more and more bitter, to the extent that my mother is becoming less and less inclined to have a relationship with my sister. I’m tired of being in the middle of it all and have decided to let them deal with their issues themselves. I don’t like to see them unhappy but it seems to me that they refuse to take the necessary steps to heal their relationship. Am I right in deciding to stay out of it? Or is it my duty to keep trying to mend their relationship?
When two people you love are estranged, it feels like your only choice is to try to get them to reconcile or give up entirely—the “Parent Trap” trap. Fortunately, there’s a third option, although it’s not very Disney, and there’s no happy ending.
Your third choice happens once you accept the fact that their reconciliation is neither your responsibility nor under your control. You didn’t pull them apart, you can’t put them together, but you don’t need them to pull you apart, either.
In addition, since their relationship has always been difficult, you can’t be sure that either one has the power to overcome their current bad chemistry whether or not it arises from a history of sexual abuse. The abuse allegations certainly don’t help, but they didn’t ruin a loving bond, just made a rough relationship toxic.
What you would like is for them to air their anger and helplessness, have a good cry, and get past blame. When it comes to reconciliation, however, it takes two to tango; if there’s an unresolvable dislike and one party is unwilling to put up with it, you can’t bring them together.
Once you reject responsibility for their relationship, you will be more effective at advising whoever will listen on what her choices are. Your job isn’t to listen, provide comfort, and urge closeness; it’s to see whether or not your mother and sister will bear painful emotions for the sake of maintaining an important family relationship.
If your mother wants to continue to socialize with an always-angry daughter, she needs to tolerate anger while limiting discussion. She should look for opportunities to spend time, then disengage if your sister attacks; as long as she values a continuing relationship, the possible hurt and humiliation may be worth it. Similarly, urge your sister to accept that your mother may never make her feel “healed” or comfortable, and that it’s up to her to decide whether a relationship is worthwhile anyway.
You can’t offer your mother and sister a painless solution, nor can you be sure that either can see beyond her unhappiness, but you can remind them that some mother-daughter relationship is usually better than none, even if it requires living with issues that can’t be healed or satisfactorily expressed.
As long as your job is to remind them of their choices, rather than listen to grievances or bring them together, you need never give up, which is as Disney as it’s going to get.
STATEMENT:
“I ache for the pain and disappointment my mother and sister feel in their relationship, but I know their problem doesn’t arise from a lack of communicating and that I can’t ease their pain. What I can do, however, is urge them to make the decision that is most meaningful rather than letting anger control their choices.”
I hate the greedy way my husband’s two college-aged sons treat him, and the way he responds by giving them whatever they want. It’s no wonder they’re spoiled and manipulative, not because of how their father treats them, but because their mother is a horrible drama queen who’s always told the boys how much their father owes them and her. I think they love him, but they don’t hesitate to use him and, until recently, he didn’t know how to say no to any of them. Now, with help from me and a lawyer, he can say no to his ex (which is why I’m still married to him), but with them, he’s still unable to refuse. I wish I could get him to see how spoiled they are and how much they need a parent who can stand up to them, but when I say something, he treats me like I’m an evil stepmother. My goal is not to let them run his life.
It’s not as hard to deal with family you dislike and don’t care about as it is with family you don’t like but still love (see above), but it nevertheless poses major challenges, which you seem to fully understand. You know that, if you try too hard to protect your husband from his sons’ demands or confront their bratty expectations, he’ll see you as an unloving interloper from whom his kids need protection. At that point, you’ve defeated yourself, damaged your marriage, and given them just what they want.
In order to avoid that outcome, a situation like this requires restraint. You may feel it’s outrageously unfair that they can make him feel guilty and responsible much more easily than you can, and that it’s partly because you play fair and they don’t. Nevertheless, that’s the way it is, and you’ll make the situation worse if you don’t accept the powerful, impersonal forces arrayed against you. It took many years to shape these relationships and your stepsons’ characters, so don’t expect to have much influence, regardless of how much your husband loves you.
On the other hand, you may have more success in changing his approach if you keep your anger and reformist urges to yourself while urging him to consider his choices from a rational, rather than an emotional, perspective. Whenever the kids ask for something excessive and he reflexively prepares to give them what they want, ask him to consider the pros and cons in terms of what’s best for them, what will happen if he doesn’t agree, and what the consequences will be on his other priorities, including his marriage.
It may be hard, but if you keep anger and disapproval out of your voice and focus solely on helping him make the decision that is most consistent with his values (which, on a deep level, you really share), then he may listen. Whatever choice he makes, he may then be willing to rate what happens next in terms of positive and negative consequences, rather than guilty feelings. From your point of view, animosity aside, you hope he’s right about the good that will come from his giving but, if not, you’re positive about the possible benefit of doing things differently.
Meanwhile, don’t feel obliged to become a loving stepmother. Accepting responsibility for feeling affection for kids you know and dislike will drive you crazy. As long as you dedicate yourself to being polite, friendly, and supportive of their welfare, you’re doing your job. That you’re doing it well with kids you don’t like doesn’t make you a wicked stepmother, but a wicked professional one.
STATEMENT:
“I wish I could like these kids or stop them from being creepily dependent on my husband and him from being a pushover, but I can’t and, anyway, it’s not my job. Instead, I don’t expect to have a close relationship with them, I act like a good paternal assistant, and I help my husband think more objectively about how to help them. Aside from that, I have a life of my own that is not affected by their relationship.”
