Do The Limit

Posted by fxckfeelings on December 17, 2012

In most situations, it’s easy enough to get away from an unpleasant stranger; you can always slip away to the bathroom, the next subway car, or the nearest police station. With family, however, it’s not so easy to escape. If the problem is bad behavior, you may need to take protective action, but if it’s just causing uneasiness with words more than conduct, your best course of action is probably to show great restraint. In either case, you must have enough confidence in your judgment so that you don’t need to talk things out; just do what will cause the least harm, the most safety for the rest of your family, and prevent any police involvement.
–Dr. Lastname

I try to be nice to my father because, well, he’s my father, but he hates my wife and he’s always nasty to her, and it makes it hard to fit him into our family life. He just doesn’t get the idea that when you’re openly rude, people don’t want to be around you, and that, even though I’m his son, he’s not entitled to insult my wife during family visits. My wife doesn’t want him in our house, which I understand, and I can’t get him to understand he’s got to behave. He says he should be able to visit and see his grandsons, AND say and do whatever he pleases. I feel torn by having to protect my wife and family from his bad behavior. My goal is to figure out how to get through to him.

That you have the courage to tell your father what he’s doing to your wife is wrong is a good indication of your character. That your father can’t be convinced that being a dickish monster to the mother of his own grandchildren children is wrong, however, indicates very, very bad things, both about his character and your chances of ever getting him to agree to behave himself.

If your father is completely blind to the fact that being rude is, well, rude, telling him to stop being rude is essentially an impossible task; it’s the kind of denial usually reserved for nasty drunks and gay Republicans. So instead of taking on the impossible, take a step back and give yourself a task that’s merely difficult.

Accept the fact that your father has a fundamental belief in his right to put down those he doesn’t like and you’re not going to change him, no matter how logic- and truth-based your arguments may be. It seems grim, but the upside is that anything you do to protect your wife from his insults doesn’t require you to give him an explanation (which, in any case, would just cause more put-downs and the very rudeness you’re trying to stamp out).

It’s pointless to blame him for the emotional or moral blindness that makes him act badly; it’s like blaming a badger for its evil temperament. On the other hand, you’re not responsible for changing his anger or inability to understand or agree with your rules, just to deal with him and create limits that protect your family from his unique not-charm. Don’t waste time, then, telling him why you condemn his behavior. Instead, describe the kind of behavior you won’t accept in a voice that says you mean business and have no need to explain. It’s your wife, your family and your rules.

If he tests you with bad behavior, be ready with a procedure for breaking contact without the need for talk, like leaving the restaurant, the room, or, although it’s more difficult, the house. See if he behaves better after you’ve done it a few times, and if he doesn’t, that’s too bad, but not your fault.

You can’t change your dad, but you can stop him from messing up your home and marriage. All you have to do is believe that, when it comes to decent behavior, you know what’s right and you’re ready to stand by what you know, no matter what; you’re not being a dick to your dad by putting limits on his ability to be a dick to everyone else.

STATEMENT:
“I feel guilty and disrespectful when I challenge my father, but I know he doesn’t have a right to be mean to my wife and that it’s my job to protect her and our kids from his bad behavior. However much it hurts me to do so, I’ll keep him out of our home until he shows he’s ready to follow the rules.”

My wife’s anger causes me a lot of pain, but she just can’t seem to stop it. I had a very difficult mother, and my wife’s unhappy face brings back all my childhood pain and terror, and I just can’t stand it. She doesn’t hit anyone or throw things, but the tension can’t be good on our kids. She’s a good mother otherwise, but she thinks it isn’t a big deal because she doesn’t yell and her anger doesn’t last long. What she doesn’t understand, however, is that it makes me feel as if I’m walking on eggshells and a bomb is going to go off. My goal is not to cause me or our kids to re-live the hell I went through with my mother.

It’s one thing to be extra-sensitive to your wife’s angry feelings, which is what you’re describing, and another to believe her bad behavior is a major threat to you, the kids, and the kind of home you want to create. If that’s not the case, and it sounds like it isn’t, then you have no moral reason to do something about it. If anything, since staying married probably has more benefits for you and the kids than getting divorced, you have lots of good reasons for limiting how you react to her temper.

So don’t judge her behavior only by the way it makes you feel, because the last thing you want is to blame her for the way she makes you feel, then have her blame you for the way you make her feel, and on and on. You’ll drive one another nuts with responsibility for one another’s feelings.

Instead, take the first step and think hard about what makes a spouse’s actions damaging, e.g., hitting, kicking, not keeping your promises, not doing your job, scaring the kids, saying cruel things that aren’t true, etc. Don’t hesitate to look for outside insight, from friends to shrinks to scripture, on how to characterize domestic crimes and misdemeanors. The point of the exercise isn’t to indict your wife—you’ve already indicated her offenses are not indictable—but to protect yourself from your own sensitivity. No, you can’t protect yourself from pain, but you can stop yourself from over-reacting and causing yourself and your kids more pain.

The second part of this exercise is to spell out what makes a marriage good or bad, given what you want it for. Obviously, your painful reaction to your wife’s anger is a big bad. What you should also include, however, is how well your marriage helps you to be a parent, build security for you and the kids, and pursue other priorities in life. It helps, of course, if it also provides intimacy and companionship on those occasions when she’s not angry and you’re not feeling threatened.

If, regardless of what you decide about your marriage, there’s nothing about her behavior when she’s angry that needs stopping, then—good news—you don’t have to stop her and—bad news—there’s nothing you can do to stop her from being angry.

Ultimately, however, the good news is that, if you limit your response to her angry feelings, avoid blaming her, and give her some time, you can stop her anger from doing serious damage to your marriage, even if you can’t stop her from getting angry.

STATEMENT:
“I feel terrible when my wife fumes, but that’s unavoidable and my first priority is whether she and I keep a lid on spiteful, hurtful behavior, which we generally do. So my job is to stay positive about the fact that we both behave pretty decently and to appreciate the effort it takes to keep my hurt and sensitivity from turning me into the frightened kid I used to be.”