License to Ill Will

Posted by fxckfeelings on December 3, 2012

Because resentment can be so painful and ugly, people spend lots of time trying to get rid of it, usually by talking it out, trying to beat it out of themselves, or outdoing themselves in their efforts to become so rich and powerful that they’ll have nothing to resent in the first place. In reality, however, resentment tends to linger no matter what you say, do, or earn, and people do less harm when they accept that fact. So, while your heart may become stained with resentment, it can’t color your values or control your actions. Better to focus on managing your urge to kill someone than kill yourself trying to make that urge go away.
–Dr. Lastname

I can’t stand resenting my brother day and night, but that’s what I’ll have to do if I don’t speak to him about his decision to claim our late father’s summer cottage, where we used to go when we were kids. He feels he’s entitled to it because he’s spent more time there over the years (since I went away for school and grad school, and he didn’t), but I moved back a while ago and I’m the one with kids, and I want them to enjoy that place as much as my brother and I did. He’s a rigid guy who never gives an inch and always gets his way, and the executor has already ruled on it, but I can’t stand the idea of living the rest of my life nursing resentment. I’ll feel much better letting him know how I feel, getting it out of my system, and showing him that I’m not afraid. My goal is to handle my feelings as effectively as possible.

It’s hard to nurse resentment against an unfair or unfeeling brother, especially now that he’s submitted what’s only the most recent chapter in his many-volume history of making you feel bullied or pushed aside. By having it out with him, you’re hoping to make this history, well, history, and begin fresh with new tales of him being better-behaved because he knows he can’t push your around.

Trouble is, the one thing that’s harder than nursing said resentment is expressing it to a brother who doesn’t accept criticism, and winding up with a family feud. Whatever resentment you get off your chest will come back doubled and re-doubled, so if anything ends, it will be his willingness to speak to you and your ability to set foot inside that cottage again.

In a fair world, your brother would see the light and choose to share, but in real life, your brother is a lost cause, leaving you to choose between festered resentment and more festered resentment. You can’t expect to get it off your chest, but you can find a way to keep it from doing any lasting harm while it’s there.

Keeping your resentment inside may make you feel like a helpless child, but it’s your job to challenge negative feelings with positive reality; you’re not a helpless child, you’re a caring parent who’s accomplished good things in life, and whether you lose a house you deserve doesn’t change that. Stop your negative thoughts from turning disappointment into personal defeat when, in reality, you have neither control nor responsibility.

Unfortunately, the pain of resentment may linger as long as it wants, possibly gaining strength from your sensitivity and strong attachment to the summer cottage. Since these are things you don’t control, don’t make yourself responsible for “getting over” resentment, just bearing it and being quiet.

If you decide to nurse rather than disperse your resentment, be proud of your strength, and be patient, since there’s always a possibility that your neutral attitude will make your brother comfortable enough to open the house to your kids.

In the meantime, don’t hold your breath, just hold your tongue, and hopefully, he’ll hold back from adding to his antagonistic archives.

STATEMENT:
“I doubt that I’ll ever stop resenting my brother’s inheritance and his smug sense of entitlement, but I know I can’t change it or him, so I’m committed to making the best of it. I’ll never be his friend, but that’s not new. What I will nurse, in addition to resentment, is a friendly-seeming family relationship that discourages conflict and makes life as easy as possible for the next generation.”

I don’t know why my sister’s husband annoys the hell out of me. Well, I’ve got a good guess, and it’s partly envy, because he’s got a good job and is always happy in life, and I’m running scared, doing a job I don’t like and trying to take care of my wife and new kid. But there’s no reason for me to hate him all the time—I seldom see him—so it drives me crazy that I can’t forget about him and stop feeling this way. I know I’m the sensitive type and this isn’t the first time I’ve gotten fixated on someone I couldn’t stand, but I don’t want to be this way. My goal is to stop this feeling and focus on what’s important in life.

Like a lot of sensitive-tempered people (see above), you find yourself with painfully negative feelings you hate to have but can’t get rid of. They make you feel like a bad person with an evil secret you can’t justify or share (except with an anonymous internet medical professional). I wish that positive thinking could drive the evil from your heart, but nasty obsessions have their own special super-glue. They may go away eventually, but not quickly or in response to hymn-singing, psychotherapy, or the highest of colonics.

What’s good to know, however, is that evil thoughts don’t make you an evil person. Quite the opposite– it’s easy for a kindly person to think kind thoughts, but it’s much harder for a nasty thinker to keep his mouth shut. Of course, if you keep criticizing yourself for an obsession you don’t control, you’ll drive yourself crazy, which puts the evil, not in your thoughts, but your self-criticism. No one deserves to hate himself for hateful thoughts, unless they cause evil actions.

Instead of self-purging, give yourself credit for the bad things you haven’t done and think of ways you can distract yourself from those-thoughts-that should-not-be-named. Avoid whatever stirs them up, prepare distractions when avoidance is impossible, and/or measure the number of pounds of muscle-pull in your cheeks required to keep a serene expression in your face.

It’s hard to live with nasty obsessions, but they also make life interesting (at least if they’re harmless, because otherwise, they make life shorter). With a little luck, you’ll always keep yours under control, but if not, let’s hope you’ll at least get good at damage control so you can return to being resentful in silence.

STATEMENT:
“I hate feeling hateful, but it’s not something I can change. I can’t stop hating, but I haven’t let it interfere with family relationships and I’m not going to. It’s not easy, but I’ve got the strength I need.”