The Natural Mystery

Posted by fxckfeelings on November 29, 2012

Whether traumatic or dynamic, having an early and/or intense sexual experience can make you worry that your ability to have solid adult relationships will be damaged. While sexual trauma can make intimacy scary, and sexual overstimulation can distract you from it, there are ways to move past your past. If you have a clear vision of partnership and the discipline to implement it, sexual feelings need never control your life. You may never stop them from causing pain and distraction, but they can never stop you from finding and being a good partner moving forward.
–Dr. Lastname

I recently had a severe panic attack that lead me to believing I was molested as a young child. From what I know, I lost my virginity to a man in his 20s when I was 13 years old, or in 7th grade. After visiting with some old friends, I brought up an event which had happened when we were 13 years old that involved men in their late 20s or older, alcohol, and oral sex. She was horrified I brought it up, but to me, it was something that was part of my life, but after heading home that night, I began to think that maybe it wasn’t so normal for young girls to be having sex and that’s when my panic attack sunk in. For some background, I was “raised” by a 15-year-old mother who I believe loved me, but was at times, emotionally abusive and manipulative, and often times neglectful as she also had three other children after me. My father was also very young and inconsistent, I often went months without hearing from him and longer not seeing him. Anyways, eventually I lost my virginity to a man in his 20s which lead to years of promiscuity with much older men. My brother is now in his 20s and I try to gain perspective by mentally placing him next to what I perceive as a 13-14 year old, but I really can’t process the age difference. I don’t necessarily feel like a victim because I felt like such a willing participant, but lately, I’ve had this deep terrifying feeling that this sexual history goes back much further than I can remember. Although I can’t figure out what happened to me as a child, I do have these “flashbacks” that sometimes make no sense and I can’t seem to place them on a timeline, but my mind will immediately discard them and a sense of panic will set in. My goal is to come to terms with my history so I can start processing and begin to heal.

Being forced by a chance perspective to reexamine your basic assumptions about your childhood—whom you could trust, how safe you really were—can create a domino effect of doubt.

You’re now compelled to call your entire sexual history into question and wonder whether anxiety and flashbacks are side effects of the shock, or legitimate signals of unremembered sexual trauma. Between what you do remember and your lack of parental protection as a child, it could mean that you were sexually abused.

It’s never certain, however, that recalling such an experience in therapy can produce healing, and there’s a danger that delving into childhood trauma may make you feel more helpless and trap you in loops of negative thinking that keep the dominoes of doubt in perpetual free-fall. So before committing yourself to exploring the past, examine the risks and your expectations carefully.

From your own experience, you know the basic dangers of badly managed sexual needs: STDs, bad relationships and forgetting whatever you’re supposed to be doing. Yes, you might learn something from wondering why you choose a certain kind of loser, or whether what you’re really hungering for is sex, intimacy, power, and/or mommy or daddy. Unfortunately, while self-analysis may give you the illusion that you’re getting something accomplished, it probably won’t change your feelings or behavior.

Instead of focusing inward, measure your current behavior against your standards for safe dating, such as staying away from anyone who’s likely to hurt or disappoint you, anyone you’re likely to hurt, and anyone who isn’t good, solid and responsible. Do lots of looking for good partners, as well as an almost equal amount of screening out, while learning to put up with your unmet needs without compromising the above standards. Welcome sexual good luck when it happens and don’t blame yourself when it doesn’t. As long as you keep your own safe dating standards in mind and live up to them, you’re doing the job of a good parent and sex-life-manager and making good use of bad experiences.

Life forced you to learn about sex and relationships the hard way. From what you say, you haven’t fallen into the traps that claimed your parents, though you’ve picked up your share of scars. Your past may be scary and possibly never totally knowable, but either way, it’s not something you can change, and digging into will more likely do more harm than good.

Instead, take advantage of your experience (and get coaching if need be) to be properly selective about sexual and other intimate relationships. Then, even if you continue to get anxiety attacks, you know you’re doing a good job, because you’re leaving the past behind, building confidence based on what you’ve learned, and putting your energy towards a better future.

STATEMENT:
“Remembering my past sexual relationships leaves me feeling empty, anxious, and confused, but I’ve learned much about the dark side of neediness, I understand what prevented my parents from doing a good job as parents or partners, and I’m determined to do a better job myself.”

I have just one worry about my fiancée, and feel somewhat ashamed to admit it, because it just makes me seem insecure and stupid. The trouble is, before we met she had a wild sex life with a number of partners, which she clearly enjoyed. And I believe she has a right to have a life and enjoy sex, plus she wasn’t engaged to any of them, so I believe she’s serious about relationships and seriously committed to ours. What I can’t stop worrying about is how she’ll feel when we’ve got an old, married sex life that falls far short of her old adventures. My goal is to stop worrying or to figure out if I have a good reason.

Despite your misgivings, the question of when a super-active sex life is indicative of a problem character and when is it nothing more than good, clean/dirty fun is a legitimate one. As most of us learn from experience, it’s not easy to have friendly sex, apart from a committed relationship, without using or misusing other people, compromising whatever else you’re supposed to be doing, or getting your heart broken.

Of course, it can be done if you’re lucky, careful, and/or one of those rare lucky types who have the right combination of sex appeal, charisma, and straightforwardness (not too much, not too little) to keep a hyperactive sex life from turning into a tortured love life or a lazy work life. Your job is to figure out whether your fiancée is one of those rare sex-savants.

Begin by looking at her old relationships and asking yourself whether all that sex caused any broken hearts, including hers. Don’t count serious long-term relationships, just look at casual or friendly hook-ups that, in retrospect, could not possibly be safe/harmless for one or more participants. Then ask yourself whether pleasure-seeking gets in the way of her other priorities, like making a living, managing a budget, and being a good friend. As you would with any pleasurable habit, judge it on the basis of trouble it causes her health, safety, and integrity, rather than on the absolute number of episodes/partners/orgasms per unit time.

Finally, as you would with any potential partner, ask yourself whether her close relationships, sexual or otherwise, tend to last and survive conflict. Her sexual activities may have complicated some of those relationships, but, if they survived and remained honest and trusting in spite of all the stimulation, then she may well deserve extra credit.

Follow your usual procedures for checking out a person’s ability to be honest, faithful, and protective of people’s feelings, avoid getting distracted by jealousy or self-doubt, and stand by your findings. If they’re positive, as they have been so far, then you’ll have as good a chance of a happy marriage as anyone. As in the case above, an unusual sexual history doesn’t have to ruin your chance for a sturdy, long-term partnership in the future.

STATEMENT:
“I find my fiancée’s comfort with her sexuality and sexual experience both attractive and disturbing, but I won’t let doubt or jealousy influence my marriage decision. I know how reliable and steady she’s been, in spite of her sexual adventures, and that’s an amazing accomplishment.”